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Newest Member: kdeegandy (46044)

User Topic: Another Retrouvaille Fan
learningtofeel
♀ 39543
Member # 39543
Default  Posted: 5:36 PM, April 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would like to put forth another plug for the value of attending Retrouvaille. We went this past weekend, and I had been concerned that we were too far out and not in crisis enough for it to be useful – that maybe we had missed the moment. There were definitely plenty of couples clearly in active crisis, and I think we would have found this a huge help a few months ago, but even so we found it highly valuable even where we are today.

Two things stand out to me: first, the practice of slowing down to identify and focus on feelings, and to make sure our partner gets what we’re saying, and we get what they’re saying. We already understood the idea of active listening and have been employing it, but this is even deeper, slower, more deliberate and more intentional. It’s not about problem-solving, it’s about finding and being in touch with feelings and being skilled and sharing and hearing them. I’m not very good at it yet, but we are both ready to keep practicing.

Second, the incredible solidarity of spending a weekend with twenty couples who know EXACTLY how we are feeling and what we are struggling with. Not necessarily infidelity (because no one tells their stories except the presenting, trained couples), but hurt, pain, anguish, crisis, and risk of ending one’s relationship. The presenting couples have BEEN THERE DONE THAT and here they are giving back, paying it forward. It felt so good to be cared for by them and to have all the other couples around us. Even though I am not a religious person, I appreciated how nurturing it felt that there were couples all over the world praying for us last weekend.

I most definitely recommend this weekend for anyone considering it. I’m not sure I could have handled it before Aboutdamntime came out of the fog, but almost any time since then I think it would have been valuable. And for some couples maybe it can help their WS move out of the fog.


M 1989
3 young adult kids
D-Day 4.13.13
WS (him): 7 OW over 15 years
BS (me): had no clue

Posts: 102 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: United States
rachelc
♀ 30314
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 5:51 PM, April 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

what a great story. Thank you for sharing.

I wish it was in our state and that I actually felt like investing more in us but right now I just don't.


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5778 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
lilflower1000
♀ 36634
Member # 36634
Default  Posted: 9:09 PM, April 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the info. I tried to drag WH when he was still on the fog he talked me into going to ATL to a hotel for the weekend instead. It was a nightmare. We would like to go, but I will let him do the planning this time. It is just so difficult because we have so many kids. ((sigh))


lilflower1000
Me: 44 BS
Married 12 yrs
Dday:8/1/2012
True R: 12/2012
4kids(11, 8, 5, 4mos)+ 2 Step kids I love like my own

Posts: 315 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Georgia
learningtofeel
♀ 39543
Member # 39543
Default  Posted: 12:23 PM, April 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lilflower1000, I know how hard it is to get away for 48 hours when the kids are little. A huge production, plus needing to tell the babysitter where you are, thus possibly outing yourselves for something you don't want to share. If I could come take care of yours for you so you and your WS could attend, I would!

Keep it in mind in case you are able at some point.

Rachelc - same to you. Some day, maybe. When you feel ready.


M 1989
3 young adult kids
D-Day 4.13.13
WS (him): 7 OW over 15 years
BS (me): had no clue

Posts: 102 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: United States
MissesJai
♀ 24849
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 1:46 PM, April 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for sharing. We are going in June.


FWW - 41
"Don't think first about the risks of speaking up. Think first about the risks of not speaking up." ~ Kerry Patterson

Posts: 6042 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
lilflower1000
♀ 36634
Member # 36634
Default  Posted: 7:30 PM, April 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lol learningtofeel.. Maybe we'll make it one day.


lilflower1000
Me: 44 BS
Married 12 yrs
Dday:8/1/2012
True R: 12/2012
4kids(11, 8, 5, 4mos)+ 2 Step kids I love like my own

Posts: 315 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Georgia
lilflower1000
♀ 36634
Member # 36634
Default  Posted: 7:30 PM, April 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lol learningtofeel.. Maybe we'll make it one day.


lilflower1000
Me: 44 BS
Married 12 yrs
Dday:8/1/2012
True R: 12/2012
4kids(11, 8, 5, 4mos)+ 2 Step kids I love like my own

Posts: 315 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Georgia
lilflower1000
♀ 36634
Member # 36634
Default  Posted: 7:30 PM, April 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lol learningtofeel.. Maybe we'll make it one day.


lilflower1000
Me: 44 BS
Married 12 yrs
Dday:8/1/2012
True R: 12/2012
4kids(11, 8, 5, 4mos)+ 2 Step kids I love like my own

Posts: 315 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Georgia
PinkJeepLady
♀ 37575
Member # 37575
Default  Posted: 8:59 PM, April 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah for you!
My fwh calls it "the awakening", it was profound.

lilflower, I really hope you find a sitter, it is worth all the effort to make arrangements for the kids, good luck!


Me: BW-54. Him-FWH 54. DDay June 1st 2012 cheating with prostitutes overseas
R-ing
"Not everything that counts is counted. Not everything that is counted counts." Albert Einstein

Posts: 504 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Out West
Topic Posts: 9

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