I really don’t know what to do, how to act, or how to ultimately get past this.
I discovered on March 20th, 2014 that my wife of 14 years had an affair. Our marriage was not perfect, but not bad, obviously we stopped communicating effectively, but the idea of an actual affair never crossed my mind.
I found out about the affair because of an email that I discovered. In the e mail, my wife confesses to her friend (not him) about her excitement of this whole thing, I guess like you would if you were explaining a new exciting sexual relationship. I believe she regrets what she wrote. I must admit, some of the biggest pain I experienced came from those words. My other pain is the mental image I have of them together sexually, mix the two together and it is like a dagger to my heart every time. This has yet to fade in anyway, sometimes it actually gets worse.
The confrontation was not pleasant, there were lies at first, but ultimately I believe the truth came out. Her reasons for the affair were based on her own personal insecurities (looking for affirmation), maybe boredom, and perhaps a little bit on uncommunicated anger towards me. She took full responsibilities for the infidelity, blaming me for nothing. She wants to stay together, pledging to never do this again. I do see the remorse in her eyes, the sadness she carries. She said she never told me out of fear of losing me, and that she had never stopped loving me at any point (yet another pain for me, as this is hard for me to imagine when you are having sex with another).
To add to the complexity of the situation, her affair was with another married man, her supervisor, and at one point a friend of mine. We all work together, including his wife. They of course work in close proximity, about 3 feet from each other, and we all work in the same office (different departments). At this point it is only the three of us that know. I made a commitment to my wife not to destroy the families (we all have kids) or their careers. While I guess there would be some personal satisfaction in exposing everything, but it would destroy the kids of both families, and I want to protect the innocent from the pain I feel.
I do love my wife. She truly is an amazing woman. We have beautiful, intelligent children. After all this, we are communicating better, we are more focused on each other, and I certainly feel this is a marriage worth saving. I truly hate saying this, it feels like I am giving credit to the infidelity that hurts so much, but I suppose it is sadly kind of true.
Still, I feel as if I am going crazy, especially at work. At work, I must wear a mask, I cannot express any feelings. I am torn, I want to be angry but cannot. I am aware that they sit close to each other every day, and I cannot change it. I am aware that I will see him every day until I retire years from now, and must treat him as a fellow employee. I have not actually talked to him since I found out, he is expecting it, but I don’t know what to say, and am uncertain if I can control myself (I am pretty sure I can, but worry I might snap). I understand he is sorry, and wants to apologize, but I can’t hear it, I just don’t understand how anyone could do this, there is no apology, there is no excuse.
How do I do this ? How do I cope with the mental images of them together in the back of our car ? How do I keep this mask on forever ? She tell me that this is the only time it has happened, and I believe her, but how can I totally trust again ? Does this fade with time ? There are times I feel anger, almost rage, towards him, how do I suppress this ? I also feel humiliated, embarrassed, he knows things about me (shared by my wife) that I wish he didn’t, how do I cope with those feelings ? I am not the kind of person that goes to therapists, but is it worth it to try ? Life goes on, and maybe there is guilt that will last for them, still so far they seem fine with putting in the past, keeping their secret and their mask’s in place, for me there is nothing but the reminders, they had pleasure and excitement mixed with their pain, for me, nothing but pain.
Am I crazy ? am I a fool ? or is this part of being a good husband, a good human being, to forgive and maybe even forget ? How long is it taking you to move forward ? How did all of you survive this ? Can/will it get better ?