Topic: Renewing Vows
Member # 42162
| Posted: 10:21 PM, April 7th (Monday), 2014|
I never would have done this before and now I find myself wanting to renew our marriage vows. I want to make it simple. Something done for just us. No witnesses or other guests. I'm not even sure I want an officiant. I do know I want us to write our own thoughts to each other.
I'm hoping to get thoughts from those here. Would you plan something for a wedding chapel or maybe just find a place that we like and just say our vows to each other? Down at the beach or something like that?
I do know I want to make it semi formal and dress for the occasion and then go to dinner after and have some alone time.
Him: fWH 39
1 DD 8yrs old, one on the way then miscarried Jan 2014
Pregnant again, due May, 3015- I must be crazy.
In R and taking one step at a time.
Posts: 21 | Registered: Jan 2014
Member # 37575
| Posted: 12:06 AM, April 8th (Tuesday), 2014|
Funny isn't it when you are thinking about something and then get on SI and see someone else is having the same thoughts!
I was just talking with fwh about this. I too want to have some kind of renewal thing with just the two of us. I want it to be more than just a talk. I haven't worked out the details either, just wanted to let you know you aren't alone in this thought!
I think writing out vows and reading them to each other in a special place would be a very bonding experience. I think dressing nice would show respect for each other and then a nice celebration dinner, fabulous!
You are motivating me to keep working on this idea. I was thinking it would be a way to reflect on the progress we have made and talk about our hopes for the future. I too had never thought I would go for something like that, but it seems like it's the right thing to do.
I hope you will be able to come up with something personal and meaningful, it's a great idea. I am looking forward to hearing more ideas to make it a special event.
Me: BW Him: FWH in our 50's
DDay June 1st 2012
cheated with prostitutes overseas
Posts: 700 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Out West
Member # 30434
| Posted: 2:07 AM, April 8th (Tuesday), 2014|
Early in recovery I wanted to renew vows, but as time went on renewing vows became less important to me. Two reasons: 1) I learned to trust my wife's actions more than her words. She burned me too many times verbally 2) I was a "Scurry" trying to find the cheese. Action, action, action. Renewing vows was action. I guess I'm more of a "Sniff" now.
WW 47 FOO Issues
DDay 11/09 Coworker
High School Sweethearts
8 months TT
Sons 19 and 14
Recovery is constructing a pyramid of inference from which to see clearer.
The process involves using the reflexive loop.
Posts: 1447 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Ches
Member # 41655
| Posted: 2:28 AM, April 8th (Tuesday), 2014|
I thought I wanted to early on. Now I just don't know.
Me: BS 61
Married 40 years
Together more than 40
Porn use known since 2005
DDay: 11.24.12 - found emails to prostitute,
Disclosure: TT for months. Still not sure whether I have it all.
DDay 2: 2.20 2013 phone, txt to same prostitute found
Posts: 196 | Registered: Dec 2013
Member # 32757
| Posted: 4:13 AM, April 8th (Tuesday), 2014|
We renewed our vows in "secret" on Valentines Day. Just us and one of the pastors at our church who had counseled us and agreed to officiate. It was not fancy but it was so special.
Now we don't celebrate our original wedding anniversary. The A was the last nail in a hard marriage and since we were recommitting, we decided to bury it all together and start new. Best decision ever! Its been a few years and every Valentines Day we have a blast! It's also special because no one knows but us.
BS me - 32
WS - 36
Posts: 19 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Sacramento, ca
Member # 39439
| Posted: 4:41 AM, April 8th (Tuesday), 2014|
Before this all came out, I was thinking I wanted to renew our vows too. Then DDay. Now, I don't know. It's so great that you are in a place where you feel this. I hope you make it special. Please let us know what you end up doing.
And remember Murphy is right. Nothing is so bad that it can't get worse!!!
Posts: 1858 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Ontario, Canada
Member # 35862
| Posted: 5:19 AM, April 8th (Tuesday), 2014|
I agree it's funny how you think something and think you're alone in that thought and come on here to find it posted already.
I have felt we need the exact same thing. I would like it to be private, just between us. I think it would be more honest and open that way.
I also feel like we need a ceremony too. The M we had ended when H decided to have sex with someone else. I would like an "official" M with the new rings.
Me: BS H: WS
DD #1 7-11-08
DD#2 8-21-09 same OW, A never ended.
Started R in 12-09
"If what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, I should be able to bench press a Buick."
Posts: 935 | Registered: Jun 2012
Member # 30826
| Posted: 5:21 AM, April 8th (Tuesday), 2014|
I thought about doing this shortly after dday too. But, as time went on, I didn't see the need.
I would wait a bit. Maybe a year or so. Watch your WS. See if they are committed to repairing the damage they've done to themselves and the marriage.
I think a lot of WS's want to renew vows because they think it's a quick fix...a new beginning..a new "us." When, really, the crap is going to be in the "new" marriage...unless you fix it first...THEN Im all for renewing the vows.
M: June 2001
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
Posts: 15220 | Registered: Jan 2011
Member # 10347
| Posted: 6:04 AM, April 8th (Tuesday), 2014|
Everybody has to figure out what is best for themselves, but for me, I would want witnesses. We went on a cruise with two other couples and did it there with the cruise director officiating. The other couples knew we had a very difficult year and lost our DD but they did not know about the A.
In fact, I got lots of pictures and a video of the occasion so it actually looks like a bigger deal than our real wedding was 12 years prior. At that time,we had more guests but only snapshots for pictures, no professional photographer and no video. I am glad we did ours the way we did, but you have to do what is right for you.
My only piece of advice for anyone considering this, is: don't do it with hopes of "fixing" your M or helping you "heal" faster. Just like when you get married originally, I think it should be more of a celebration of your commitment to each other than an effort to "fix" something that isn't quite right. If you feel your M is back on track and want to recommit based on that, then that is what you should do.
Posts: 6568 | Registered: Apr 2006
Member # 16024
| Posted: 6:21 AM, April 8th (Tuesday), 2014|
My BH and I went back to where we honeymooned, found a quiet place on the beach at sunset, spoke our vows to each other and toasted to our new beginning and moving forward. It was sweet and quiet and beautiful. We did it for us, nobody else was involved. It was very special for both of us.
“Empathy has no script. There is no right way or wrong way to do it. It’s simply listening, holding space, withholding judgment, emotionally connecting, and communicating that incredibly healing message of “you’re not alone.” ~ Brene Brown
Posts: 54905 | Registered: Sep 2007
Member # 34671
| Posted: 12:24 PM, April 8th (Tuesday), 2014|
We did this exact same thing. We went on a romantic vacation just the two of us to St. Kitts 15 months after DDay. We also wrote our own version of vows to each other. We had no kind of official or any other person present. We had a gazebo on our property overlooking the Caribbean. We both cried through the words that we spoke then just held onto each other for a very long time till we could function. My FWH then apologized again for the millionth time. We got ourselves together then went and had a very nice, somber, but romantic dinner. It is something we both look back on with wonderful thoughts....I say do it...from my experience.
Me - BS 57
H - WS 60/very remorseful and supportive
Kids 31, 28, 25
discovered 4 month long EA
R - slow and steady but very optimistic
Posts: 612 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: New Jersey
Member # 39543
| Posted: 12:36 PM, April 8th (Tuesday), 2014|
We had a very private almost impromptu "ceremony" just for the two of us on the six month point from D-day. It was kind of like a reengagement rather than a recommitment ceremony. We reversed my engagement ring and my wedding band as a demonstration that we are now "reengaged." Eventually, when we both feel we've done enough work to have established our new relationship solidly, we will have a recommitment ceremony and he will put my rings back the married way. I wanted to keep our original rings as an indicator that we are holding the thread of our whole relationship. But I might want to erase the original date inscribed inside them and put the new date,as a marker of the new commitment.
It's really nice to read what everyone has chosen to do to help mark these transitions.
3 young adult kids
WS (him): 7 OW over 15 years
BS (me): had no clue
Posts: 107 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: United States
Member # 18662
| Posted: 8:05 PM, April 8th (Tuesday), 2014|
Not for me unfortunately. My wife did mention renewing vows, when she was still in the middle of her slow burning but long affair, i remember thinking, lets first keep our old ones, but hold my tongue to avoid love busters, as back then i had only suspicious feelings. Now I feel it could be a nice thing to to but the very idea is a big trigger and probably will always be.
Me BH 50, seemingly married happily 25 years
Wife 47, had 3 PA affair, last one developed as EA but then turned PA and sporadic meeting 2 times a year at conferences but lasted for 8 years. Trying to reconcile.
Posts: 72 | Registered: Mar 2008
|Topic Posts: 13|