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his animosity toward me? how does this happen?

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karen49 posted 4/7/2014 23:12 PM

We have been divorced for years now,I have a new life,he has a new life ,why does he still continue to try to convince family that I am the horrible one in all of this? We recently finally settled on our marital home,a compromise,but he portrayed it as me stealing" the house from him. It is so incredibly painful to have such a negative person in your life that you loved and trusted,treated you ,so poorly,now after everything you have been through.He still is trying to make you seem like the bad one .You have struggled to keep the family together alone,while he partied with the new woman but I am the horrible one.I am a good,decent person who did the right thing for my family,why do I still want his family and friends to know that I was wronged and not the horrible person he portrays me to be?

ArkLaMiss posted 4/7/2014 23:27 PM

You want it because you ARE a decent person, that's why. I think the people that matter do know, btw. Screw the ones who don't. Tell your truth. Air it. Confession cleanses the soul, so they say. Why keep his dirty secrets? Especially if it casts doubt about who the dirty one is.

Caretaker1 posted 4/7/2014 23:43 PM

What's the point of justifying and defending? It perpetuates the drama. They are nuts. The tragedy is there are no winners.

StillLivin posted 4/7/2014 23:43 PM

I'm gonna tell you something. Ready?

What he says just doesn't matter. People will judge him worse, not you for all the bad mouthing. He is a negative person, and THAT is what will register.

My STBX MIL was a bigtime HO! She cheated cheated cheated. Even had an OC with one of her loser whore OM and then contested the D.
My FIL, a very honorable man BTW, never said an unkind word about her. Never. And he never told the truth about her adultery. To this day my STBXH still doesn't know...I found out through a distant relative. All she did is talk about how he ran out on her, abandoned her and the M, cheated her out of money, stole her son away from her, blah blah blah.
So 40 years later and she is STILL talking shit. I got her number by the second time I met her.
Just keep being the sweet and honorable person that you are. When you hear stuff, just shake your head with pity and look sympathetic for his mental "ailment". Hell add a few "I'll pray for hims" in there.
Then go on living a wonderful life.

[This message edited by StillLivin at 11:45 PM, April 7th (Monday)]

kluelesskat posted 4/7/2014 23:50 PM

Because he is still angry with you. Like a small child. He just wants to punish you because his bad choices bit him in the behind. He's probably miserable.
My ex did extremely childish things during our split because he was sooo angry with me. I believe mostly because they feel like you have somehow wronged them. It looks bad on them when their relationship falls apart for infidelity or "unexplained, sudden" reasons. In my case i was pregnant and he had to tell his family/friends the news the same time he told them i was moving out. Made him look like an arse.
But the truth is that they truely are angry at themselves for not speaking up, for not taking responsibility in their unhappiness in the relationship.
You care because you know he doesnt deserve to look like the golden boy he pretends to be.

SBB posted 4/8/2014 00:26 AM

A part of it that they can't stand that we know what they are - another part of it is that they need to demonise us in order to live with themselves, yet another is rage because they no longer control us.

Whatever it is it is not your problem. It is nonsensical and you'll drive yourself crazy trying to make sense of it.

It isn't pleasant - at its worst it can be enraging. Most of us here are facing the same idiocy.

You think they'd be happy that they finally got this 'freedom' they burned themselves and everyone to the ground for. Alas, they know what they did but they have to tell themselves we are the bad guys.

I've told everyone - I don't keep his secrets. But I don't go on about it. He doesn't come up anymore.

I've had mutual friend commend me on taking the high road. They know my side of the story but I've since asked that we no longer discuss him because he is not important. They are still in contact with me now but not with him. These unremorseful waywards ALWAYS show their arse - people always see them for what they are. That's why they need to keep changing their people every few years.

My life is not fuelled by my loathing of him. My life if fuelled by happiness, love, laughter and joy. He can have the negative stuff, after all he is the one who brought that shit to my door. I'm glad he is the one keeping it.

renee21 posted 4/8/2014 07:20 AM

I'm with their guilt and anger overwhelms them and they need to justify what they did to us. We have to be horrible or they would look like monsters for doing what they did to us and their own children.

Mine hates me so much now he tells me he hopes my next man beats on me every day, calls me fat, a bad mother. This is a man who for 20 years never cursed at me, always told me I was beautiful and certainly never put his hands on me.

dbellanon posted 4/8/2014 09:06 AM

During our divorce negotiations, XWW argued over who got which of our two cars. We both wanted the same one, the one with fewer miles and better gas mileage. Seems reasonable, right?

But XWW was convinced that the only reason I was trying to get that car is because I knew that it was her favorite and I wanted to take away something she loved.

It's projection, plain and simple. They can't deal with their monumental shitheadedness, so they project it onto you.

ajsmom posted 4/8/2014 09:15 AM

Poor widdle muffin is projecting.

That's in in a nutshell.


Chrysalis123 posted 4/8/2014 09:58 AM

Whatever caused WS to do this, it is horrible to deal with.

I don't like to come anywhere close to his evil hatred of me. It makes me feel like I just got slimed. It is like a cloud of negative energy surrounds NPDx and I can see its toll on his body (I rarely see him these days but got a glimpse during the recent court case).

On the other hand, I refuse to live like he is. I do not spew angry evil at him. Most days, I don't even think about him. I never go out of my way to harm him, I don't assassinate his character or lie about him. I have been practicing praying for him everytime I think of him (it took me years to be able to do this).

Anytime I think of him I have an affirmation that goes like this:

I refuse to harbor self destructive thoughts. I am worthy of a wonderful love filled life. (And that's when I say a little prayer wishing him peace).

I don't want to consume my life with hatred like he has.

I figure, I will just mind my side of the street. I can't control him and if he wants to act like a consumed with bitterness, angry be it.

I will just go on trying to live a happy joyous life.

Thinkingtoomuch posted 4/8/2014 11:44 AM

When I read things like this, it still absolutely stuns me over and over again:

Mine hates me so much now he tells me he hopes my next man beats on me every day, calls me fat, a bad mother. This is a man who for 20 years never cursed at me, always told me I was beautiful and certainly never put his hands on me.

So sorry karen and renee.

I can only imagine what lies xwf told his family and friends about me. Maybe glad I don't know.

Truly, how can this be? Quite crazymaking. I hope I never meet someone like this again. My guard is up now. Forever.

[This message edited by Thinkingtoomuch at 11:44 AM, April 8th (Tuesday)]

sparkysable posted 4/8/2014 12:13 PM

You think they'd be happy that they finally got this 'freedom' they burned themselves and everyone to the ground for.
Right? But somehow, that's not enough. No house, no car, no woman/man, no amount of money will EVER fill that gaping void in their soul.

These unremorseful waywards ALWAYS show their arse - people always see them for what they are. That's why they need to keep changing their people every few years.


k94ever posted 4/8/2014 15:33 PM

Karen, who gives a shit about what he's saying about you?

You are divorced. The people who love and care for you know the truth about you. Focus on them and making your life the best it can be.


LoveHerStill posted 4/8/2014 17:08 PM

In my case, most of our friends are mutual friends that we have known since university. They know me as well as her. She could try to bash me but they know who I am and can sort out the bullshit and lies themselves. I am on friendly terms with them all except for a coupple of them who I split with due to unrelated reasons.

I know she lies about her adultery to new friends, another mutual friend told me so. She is still deceiving her entire family on the matter. I did not expose the affair to them and now feel it is too late. I warned her that the longer she deceives them, the more damage it will cause if they find out the truth. I did my part.

I tell people the truth. I don't go out of my way to do so but if it comes up I tell the truth then drop it. I don't care if she gets angry about it, it is the truth and I won't lie to the people I care about.

She will be dealing with her lies for years to come. I have told all of the people I care about the truth and have left it behind. She will be dealing with it the rest of her life.

I don't really do any more processing on that aspect anymore. I know the truth and have shared it with others. I am a good person and act accordingly. Her stripes will eventually show.

Peace to all of us here at SI.

Helen of Troy posted 4/8/2014 18:16 PM

Xwh is still pissed off at me too, nearly 4 years later. He still badmouths me to anyone and everyone. In his eyes I am a thief, even though it is all legal and things he agreed on. Now he wants to seem like a victim and not take responsibility for mediation/signing the MSA.

About the need to explain. I get it,I really do.
It's easy to say who cares what he thinks. For me I spent years trying to defend myself to him or convince him I was ok. In my codependency, didn't realize it at the time and it is still a challenge not to engage with him in EACH EMAIL where he tries to hurl accusations or chop me down.

PhantomLimb posted 4/8/2014 18:30 PM

My X tried to badmouth me to mutual friends. When he tried to tell them how "unhappy" he'd been "for a long time" all they said in reply was "so why didn't you just tell her that or leave her? why cheat?" and he'd cut them out of his life.

That tells you a lot.

He tried to rage at me and I wouldn't take it. I'd let him go on and on and when he was done all I would say is "I hear you and I see that, evidently, you believe your bullshit. But, you know what, whatever was wrong, it's too late now and you've caused all of this." That would also shut him right up.

The people I haven't heard from since the split are people who are just as damaged as he is... his (diagnosed) mentally and emotionally unwell mother, sister and brother. OW was also an adulterer and in the middle of a contentious divorce and they readily admitted to each other that they were taking some kind of pain out on each other. Lovely.

The people I have heard from saw through his bullshit. Some of his coworkers. Mutual friends who I never put into the position to "choose" but who saw very early on that he was acting totally unglued and chose to walk away from him. I've even heard from his one sane brother (who became a therapist-- imagine that!) who I know X told the truth about his A... and he wished me well and let me know he has faith in me and my character to move on and have a great life and that he misses me.

The good people will know. Fuck the rest.

clralb posted 4/8/2014 19:20 PM

Ack! I know how you feel. I started typing my experience with the ex and being treated like dirt but just continued to get madder and madder.

Anyway, yeah, I supported him through spotty employment, paid the bills while he spent money like he was Donald Trump, spent nights in the hospital with him and then going to work with no sleep so the bills were paid. Now I'm treated like absolute shit.

Blech, I wish he'd fall off the face of the earth. He really is a rat bastard.

karen49 posted 4/8/2014 23:38 PM

I really like " the good people will know " hope this holds true

Broken69 posted 4/10/2014 13:05 PM

I'm experiencing the same situation I'm being bad mouthed left and right..dont know who to trust anymore

SpecialK posted 4/10/2014 20:20 PM

why do I still want his family and friends to know that I was wronged and not the horrible person he portrays me to be?

Karen, trust me the ones who are worth a damn do know the truth, the others, phiff! Who cares!!!!

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