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DepressedDaddy posted 4/8/2014 08:11 AM

Last year I found out that my WW was having an affair with an OM. We decided to stay together and attempt to reconcile. To be completely honest we were doing really well. Late last year up until recently we spent more time together than we had in a long time. We went on trips, had a lot of family time and spent everyday together up until recently. However, we have now officially separated. We are sharing responsibilities of our child and have decided to keep our child in our home until we know clearly where we are headed. We got an apartment to share as well. I don't know if others do this, but it seems like a good choice for now. It is hard because I still love her so much. Her and I actually fell out of love prior to all this and when she disclosed to me what happened, I made a commitment to dedicate 100% of myself. In the end, I fell back in love with her. She still struggles. She loves me and the OM for different reasons. I had to make the hard decision to say that separation was needed. We are still both doing IC and MC. I think both of us still have hope that there can be something, but I have to just take it one day at a time and not get so worked up with the "what ifs." That crap sucks. I know I am going to survive, but I just never imagined this was going to be my life. The sad thing is that we still want to talk to each other, but also know that does us no good right now until both of us decide what we want...well it's more what she wants. I have already decided, which is why we're here right now. She feels she doesn't even know who she is anymore and why she can't stop thinking the way she does. I feel helpless because I want to rescue her, but that is not my role and I acknowledge I have no control. I am not interested in hearing people blast her...I am doing enough of that in my head. I just want feedback on other people's separations and what to expect and what not to. Please help.

[This message edited by DepressedDaddy at 1:48 PM, April 8th (Tuesday)]

FaithFool posted 4/8/2014 08:27 AM

I think you won't get any clarity until you truly separate and have your own place.

You don't want to hear it, but she's a classic cake-eater. Still involved with another guy and boo hoo can't figure out why she's so confused? Come on.

Find your self-esteem and divorce her. Until then you will be stuck. You can always remarry if she comes around after that.

And by the way, big hugs to you. This shit is hard. She's not making it any easier.

Never be another person's Plan B. You're worth more.

[This message edited by FaithFool at 8:30 AM, April 8th (Tuesday)]

kg201 posted 4/8/2014 08:33 AM

Ddaddy, sorry you're here my man. Those first few weeks are tough. All of those fears are legit, but the reality is that once you get going in separation it gets easier to see that there is life after separation. I'd recommend reading through the Fear vs. reality thread.

I have been doing the nesting set-up with my STBX since last August, and although it has been hard on me (living out of a backpack all of this time....it's probably been hard on her as well but that isn't my concern now) I think it is the best thing we could have done for our three kids. It has allowed them the time to transition into this new life, without the rest of their life changing (their rooms, school schedule, activities have all remained the same). It is only now, the last month, that we have been getting the house ready to put on the market, and I think the kids, although anxious about the process, are ready to make the change.

Things to look out for: the transitions of when she would come into the house, and I would leave, and vice versa, were the toughest parts of the set-up. That is where conflict would arise. If you are at the moment civil with each other I would suggest making a plan for how those transitions will work. In my situation we got to a point where the other person needed to leave the house before the other came in. In fact my STBX filed a restraining order against me in February, as a way to get back at me for not being happy for her proposed integration of the AP into the kids life, so that affected the interaction for a few weeks. But since the RO got kicked out of court, we have found a way to come and go without turmoil. After the RO court date we changed the custody schedule to reduce the number of transitions, and I would suggest you try to minimize those transitions as well. I think in your situation, since you are still having trouble separating from her emotionally, minimizing the number of times you see her will be in your best interest....don't get caught up in the lingering conversation during transitions...that leads to the dark side.

And as best that you can, keep reminding yourself about that switch...there is nothing you can do to help her flip it. As others on this site have said, you can't nice your way back into a normal relationship. Be kind to yourself, but with her keep it strictly business if you can.

GotPlayed posted 4/8/2014 08:34 AM

You have control over your own side of the legal process. You're separated now, start acting like it. I stopped being a doormat myself, when someone here in SI reminded me that she fired me from the job of caring when she went to OM.

"We got a temporary place for the other person to stay for the other days."

Really? 2x4 coming. Odd choice of word, "we". There is no "we" unless you want to spend some quality time with the AP yourself. No? Then do yourself a favor and start thinking about what "you" want.

My stbx wanted an in-home S. Once I realized she wasn't leaving OM, I left the house. I coparent 50%. I am the best dad I can be. But I don't support her A with money, mindshare of resources. She wants that life, she can have it. And OM can pay for it. I realized I only had control of 3 things. My self, my side of the legal process and my relationship with my kids. So I started working on that.

You can't love her back into the M. It's a recipe for eternal suffering. I'd discontinue MC until she actually wants to stay married and continue both ICs.

Come over to the Menz threads for a bit.

SBB posted 4/8/2014 08:39 AM

First of all welcome. I'm sorry you had cause to look for a place like this but I am glad you found it.

What you're proposing is called 'nesting' - x and I did a version of it for the very short term between the end of False R and our house settling (thank god I had insisted on selling the house whether or not we R or S whilst he was still being cooperative).

The parent who had the girls also had the house to themselves until 10.30pm that night and the other left by 7am that morning so we wouldn't have to see each other. I think we alternated days. I slept in the room - him on the couch.

Whilst I was dying a slow and agonising death every day he was trying to get the next victim to fall in love with him. This after 3 months of him saying "I'll do whatever it takes for as long as it takes".

My head WS spinning so much I didn't defend or even protect myself for fear of this actually happening. He turned feral virtually overnight and screwed me over so badly I'll feel the impact if it for the rest of my life.

How will you feel when (not if) she brings OM into your home, into your bed, around your kids? Will you still be so patient with her? She'll promise you the world and swear on all of her children's heads - she'll still do what she wants. But you'll have to learn that the hard way like we all do.

Stop defending her and start protecting yourself. You can't nice or love her into having real remorse. I tried and it blew up in my face - tens of thousands before me tried and failed as will a myriad after me.

I don't think you're ready to hear the rest of my advice. I will say what she is doing is called cake-eating and it is terribly damaging to you. You are her husband, FFS. Why on earth would you compete for her love or wait for her to decide between her husband and father of her children and some douchebag OM?

I know why - I did it too. I'm asking WHY in a think about what you're doing / don't do it way.

Fidelity is not a feeling - it is a choice. She doesn't love this OM - TBH she doesn't love you either. Not in a way that won't half kill you anyway.

That's all all say for now lest I scare you off. I recommend you pop down and have a look in the Betrayed Men's thread in the I Can Relate Forum. Also post in the Reconciliation forum as you might think us divorced people are biased - you'll soon realise we're not. We've BTDT and we all have the scars to prove it.

Read my profile. My first post here was 2 years ago virtually to the day. Right before I started on the path of False R. I posted in the same agony and confusion you are in now (the BS fog) - I didn't listen and got angry at the people here who we're trying to warn me, trying to help me. I thought they were biased and not at all supportive.

He was different. We were different. Our M was special. Our love was special.

Nope - he is exactly the same as every garden variety unremorseful wayward here. Pedestrian. A complete cliche. He did everything they all do. I ignored all of the advice anyway. Until I couldn't ignore it anymore.

She didn't cheat because you are not enough - she cheated because she is not enough.

Stop seeing her as the woman you want her to be or thought she was - see her for the woman she is.

She is showing you who she is - BELIEVE HER.

((DepressedDaddy))

DepressedDaddy posted 4/8/2014 09:17 AM

Thank you for the words of wisdom. I think I know what I need to do, I just don't want to. I fear that I do something or not do enough that complicates her ability to love me again, but even with writing that out I realize how ridiculous it sounds. I just want to do whats best for our child. We are extremely civil. We don't fight, but I know that might change once D occurs. One thing I am coming to realize and more fully embody is that I am going to survive no matter what...I just want to make sure that I do whatever I need to in the best interest of myself with our child. I never thought I would be back in an apartment again.

[This message edited by DepressedDaddy at 1:50 PM, April 8th (Tuesday)]

BAB61 posted 4/8/2014 10:25 AM

Definitely make your child the priority! You've had enough 2x4s now ...it is hard to move forward. I've been separated since Dec and there are times it feels unreal. Make plans to D to protect you and your child.

Commanche1 posted 4/8/2014 12:01 PM

If you do not want to be divorced, then stop trying to nice your wife back, It sounds counterintuitive but you need to get tough, Tell everyone why you are separated, burn the affair down, report her to her work, give her a list of non-negotiables, like quit her job and absolute no contact with other Man, Then your Wife will no longer see you as weak, you will be surprised by her reaction, stay Tough

Klove posted 4/8/2014 12:49 PM

I agree with everything said here and just want to add:

If I had been tougher and more 180 with my stbxwh when I first caught A, I might not be getting divorced now.
We did allllottt more damage in the false R. I should have just cut him off, booted him out and let him prove R instead of enabling cake eating, blame shifting, etc...

You can't love her out of her A. Get tough. It's the only think that might work. I read that from others in the early days and thought it was crazy talk. I literally read 180 info and rolled my eyes. I was so wrong.

SBB posted 4/8/2014 16:09 PM

I think I know what I need to do, I just don't want to. I fear that I do something or not do enough that complicates her ability to love me again, but even with writing that out I realize how ridiculous it sounds.

You are not alone, friend. I don't think there is a BS on here who hasn't felt the same. Step back and take a look at her with open eyes - SHE is doing everything imaginable to kill your love for her. Turn that torch on her, not on you. Love yourself more than this - please.

A great quote I read here helped me through the dark days:

"Sometimes you have to forget what you feel and remember what you deserve".

You deserve so much better. Read up in the 180 and implement it hardcore. Expose her A to everyone - tell the other BS if he has a wife/SO. Tell her boss. Blow up her fantasy land like she has blown up your M. Start D proceedings. It will either knock her off the fence or get you on the road to healing. Either way you will be protecting yourself and standing up for yourself.

No-one should have to tolerate a third party in their marriage. That is what she is asking you to do. She is not choosing between you and the OM. She is choosing herself. If he dumps her she'll come running back to you but you'll be on the road to a DD2, 3, 4.

You need to find your anger. This shit is NOT on - don't let her give you rancid crumbs of hope. Whilst OM is in the picture and whilst she is working with him too there is no possibility of a future. No discussion.

She has to earn you back - not the other way around. Remember this.

Leia posted 4/8/2014 16:17 PM

You have a lot of great advice here. I did in-house S, aka Legal Limbo Hell--and it royally sucked. Sharing space isn't good for anyone. I think it did more harm to my kids than good. This isn't a 2x4, and is only meant to tell you what I experienced. I've not been in my own space over a week, but already I feel better. Like others have said, you deserve so much better. Good luck with this journey.