Forum Archives

Return to Forum List

A Difficult Choice

You are not logged in. Login here or register.

Mindfully posted 4/8/2014 09:49 AM

I have been lurking on this site since mid-February, when I discovered my SO was having a LTA with an ex-girlfriend. Ive finally decided its time I tell my story.

My SO and I have been together for just over four years. Were both in our early 40s and have no children. Shortly after we started dating, my SO rekindled a friendship with an ex-girlfriend, who is married with children. My SO and I bought a house and moved in together approximately a year and a half ago, and around this time it appears that his relationship with his ex-girlfriend (the OW1), which was by then an EA, turned into a PA.

I discovered the affair when I went looking through my SOs emails in mid-February 2014, after he announced hed be spending most of the day with her. Id become increasingly concerned about their friendship after wed moved in together, and at one point, about a year ago, I outright asked him if they were having an affair. He denied it, and I (stupidly) chose to believe him. (I have learned a good lesson about trusting my gut from this experience!)

At the time I found the incriminating emails, my SO was at the OW1s house, which is just a short distance away from our place. I drove over there and confronted the two of them. I raged at my SO, and told him not to come home.

The next day, my SO and I met to discuss some financial matters and he told me he wanted to try and make our relationship work. A couple of days later, he went NC with OW1. I read and saw him send the email to her. At the time, I told him it was way too soon for me to make any sort of decision about the future of our relationship, but that any hope of reconciliation depended on his honesty and transparency. I asked, and he reluctantly agreed, to allow me to monitor his email, computer and iPad. What he DIDNT tell me at the time, although I asked him point blank, was that he was also having an affair with another woman (OW2). I found out about that affair exactly one week after finding out about OW1, when I asked to check all the items in his sent box, and found their email exchanges. I later learned that the affair with OW2 started in October of 2013, when hed cut off contact with OW1 to try and repair our relationship. (His attempt at repair didnt work and he made contact with OW1 again in December of 2013. Of course, by this time, hed started the affair with OW2. At one point, he was telling both of them that he was going to leave me for each of them. My SO was a busy man.) When I found out about OW2, my SO immediately went NC with her which, frankly, wasnt hard since I emailed OW2 immediately upon discovering the affair to tell her about my SOs affair with OW1. (OW1 also told her husband about the affair with my SO as soon as I found out about it. She was apparently concerned Id tell her husband about what had happened before she could.)

Its all such a big mess. I can write the timeline of the affairs, as I understand them, dispassionately, but two months into this process and I am still emotionally overwhelmed. I swing back and forth from grief, to despair, to rage, and then start up all over again.

My SO has been living at home since just after Dday, but I've recently asked him to move out, and he's agreed to do so. Luckily, we are both financially stable with good jobs, and there are no children to consider, so an immediate separation is feasible. My SO is still interested in R, and hes trying hard to do the right things: hes in IC, were in MC (and have been for some time), hes remorseful, etc., but Im having trouble believing I can ever get over whats happened. The trust between us has been shattered, and hes found it difficult to be honest and forthright with me about the details of both affairs, the LTA with OW1 in particular. (There was a lot of TT when I first began asking questions.) He also said some quite disparaging things about me in emails to both OWs and friends during the period of the affairs. He was clearly desperately unhappy in our relationship. Strangely, those disparaging comments hurt as much, if not more, than the affairs. Finally, Im just not sure I want to be the relationship police for however long it takes to try and rebuild trust between us.

Most importantly, however, Im afraid I will always have the sense (whether correct or not) that I was his second choice. My SO has been upfront with me about the fact that he and OW1 discussed leaving their respective partners for each other. Besides the utter disrespect hes shown me by lying, cheating, and criticizing me to others, Im not sure I want to spend my life wondering if Im what he really wants, or if the circumstances (i.e. her marriage and children) dictated the outcome. Id be interested in hearing from others whose partners had LTAs and are trying to R about whether they had this concern or not, and how they dealt with it.

At the end of the day, a large part of me feels that I need to move on with my life. However, a smaller but equally (or perhaps more?) tenacious part is still petrified at the prospect of starting everything anew, and is holding on tightly to the OS. It doesnt help that since Dday, Ive felt that my SO has been more present in the relationship then hes been in a long time. Weve actually had some really enjoyable moments together since I found out although I feel terrible about myself when I say that. How can I enjoy being with him, even if only momentarily, when hes been so disrespectful to me?

Im hoping that I can find some support here. This Board has really been a fabulous resource for me ever since I disovered the affairs. Its made me feel like Im not completely crazy, and its given me a great deal of comfort in some very dark moments. Thank you all so much for that.

I have a feeling there are darker moments to come, but Im determined to meet the challenge head on, and come out the other side stronger and wiser.

Breezy150 posted 4/8/2014 10:00 AM

Welcome Mindfully, sorry you are here.

I am pretty new here but the advice I have gotten all along is don't make any long term decisions too soon. I can see why as my feelings change from D to R so quickly, sometimes multiple times a day. I too am eaten alive wondering if he is with me as an option B, if it is just easier to stay here than start new. I think that is pretty normal, trust is earned and they haven't earned any yet.

You sound pretty put together considering your circumstances, I am glad you have been reading here.

(((Mindfully))) best of luck to you, keep posting so we can all support you.

Swaying posted 4/8/2014 10:08 AM

It doesnt help that since Dday, Ive felt that my SO has been more present in the relationship then hes been in a long time. Weve actually had some really enjoyable moments together since I found out although I feel terrible about myself when I say that. How can I enjoy being with him, even if only momentarily, when hes been so disrespectful to me?

This resonates with me and what Ive been going through. The only thing I can conclude is that these feelings are from how I felt about our relationship. I havent been living his lies, Ive been living in my relationship and what I thought it was. So it is easy for me to still be happy sometimes. And then I remember what has happened and I get so pissed off at him, at myself.
I dont really have advice and Im sorry for that. I just wanted you to know that I can understand these feelings.

shockedmike posted 4/8/2014 10:17 AM

I'm so sorry that you are here. I am now at day 9 after finding out my girlfriend of 18 months had never ended her previous relationship and was still seeing him behind my back. She lied to both of us. I know the pain and betrayal you feel. I wish I could give you advice other than to keep your head up and be the bigger person. You deserve to be treated with more respect than he is willing to give you. It is NOT your fault in ANY way that he chose to act this way. That is 100% on him. It gets better, I am just not sure when.

LeftOutintheCold posted 4/8/2014 10:26 AM

I am so sorry you're here, but it is a really good place to be under our circumstances. You will find a lot of great support.

I don't have much advice as I'm still pretty new to this mess and am still reeling from the devastation. Just wanted to let you know that you're not alone. (((hugs)))

Mindfully posted 4/8/2014 11:10 AM

Thanks so much for your kind words. I find the conflicting feelings/emotional rollercoaster so hard to deal with........It gets better, right?

doggiediva posted 4/8/2014 11:41 AM

Don't feel bad that you have had some enjoyable moments with him lately..

By the same token do not trust him...Any good times you have with him can be superficial and not in the role GF or SO..The fact that this person can disparage you to an AP/OW doesn't speak well for his character..

Any time I hear people in my circle of friends and acquaintances talk disparagingly about other people (or pass on gossip), I lose my trust and desire to share anything with them that I don't want known to the general public..

The fact that this guy has been a serial cheater means he is dangerous to have a committed relationship with..

Years have a tendency to fly by before we know it..

Please don't find yourself dealing with a D day 10 years down the road with this guy and find yourself trapped in the relationship with him because of children/financial reasons/illness, etc..

lastdance posted 4/8/2014 22:31 PM

you already know who he is.... what he is......

what he did........he will do again

you will just be a sitting duck..........

run as fast as you can........

why live in tears for the rest of your life

Return to Forum List

© 2002-2018 ®. All Rights Reserved.     Privacy Policy