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Really leaning towards D

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Breezy150 posted 4/8/2014 10:18 AM

The more time that goes by the more I am thinking of D rather than R. I really do think I am just really scared of ever being hurt this bad again. D means I only have to count on myself and trust myself.

Interesting little turn though, my IC had me read the journal I kept during the aftermath of the murder, I started it right before that though. On Nov 4th 2011 I wrote about my H going to a whorehouse in Nevada, I could feel the pain in my writing. I had told him, a couple of years before this, no more strip clubs because our DD was on a rough path in life and I could see her getting sucked into that lifestyle. For 2 years we had fight after fight about the strip clubs, he went every time he left town. I calmed myself by thinking at least he tells me even if he knows I hate it. Then he tells me about going to the mustang ranch (just for a tour ). I wrote in my journal that it was a deal breaker for me, but I would wait until after the holidays.

Christmas 2011 comes around and all of the sudden I am dealing with the murder of my sons friend and attempted murder of my son. I can't believe I completely forgot about the whorehouse until I read about it in my journal. Granted I was very busy for a year with all the court cases.

Now I think even more about D because we were so bad off before the LTA, then I feel guilty because he has changed so much and is doing the work. I feel like I owe it to him to give him time. My heart is just not in R.

[This message edited by Breezy150 at 10:19 AM, April 8th (Tuesday)]

LeftOutintheCold posted 4/8/2014 10:21 AM

I have no really great advice since this is still all new to me, but I feel that you may already know your answer. It's whichever makes you feel at peace within yourself when you think of your decision. (((hugs))) I hate that any of us have to deal with this.

Breezy150 posted 4/8/2014 10:23 AM

Thank you so much for the reply, I think maybe a formal separation might help too. I am going to talk to my IC about it today.

TrustedHer posted 4/8/2014 10:27 AM

For 2 years we had fight after fight about the strip clubs, he went every time he left town. I calmed myself by thinking at least he tells me even if he knows I hate it. Then he tells me about going to the mustang ranch (just for a tour ). I wrote in my journal that it was a deal breaker for me, but I would wait until after the holidays.

Now I think even more about D because we were so bad off before the LTA, then I feel guilty because he has changed so much and is doing the work. I feel like I owe it to him to give him time. My heart is just not in R.

R is a gift. He spent at least 2 years killing your marriage. A gift freely given is a wonderful thing. A gift given by guilt is not such a wonderful thing. It is grudging. It is the seed of a growing resentment.

I suspect you'd get a wider audience in General or D/S than you will get in JFO. Be aware if you post in D/S that our viewpoint is generally of those who have decided we are done, or that we have taken all we can take.

Jrazz posted 4/8/2014 10:32 AM

I suspect you'd get a wider audience in General or D/S than you will get in JFO.

Agreed. You are always welcome to post in here, but if you're thinking about making a decision, branching out into some of the other forums would hopefully get you some more veteran advice.

Now I think even more about D because we were so bad off before the LTA, then I feel guilty because he has changed so much and is doing the work. I feel like I owe it to him to give him time.

Our first MC (and my favorite) said very plainly in the first session that I did not have to stay just because FWH was willing to do the work. It makes sense intellectually, but it's a lot harder to apply when we have feelings that we owe the WS/marriage another shot. If you decide to move on, please know that you are NOT the bad guy. It is a choice you are very much entitled to.

Breezy150 posted 4/8/2014 10:34 AM

Thank you, maybe I will write in general after counseling today.

adriana1980 posted 4/8/2014 10:39 AM

The more time that goes by the more I am thinking of D rather than R. I really do think I am just really scared of ever being hurt this bad again. D means I only have to count on myself and trust myself.

Now I think even more about D because we were so bad off before the LTA, then I feel guilty because he has changed so much and is doing the work. I feel like I owe it to him to give him time. My heart is just not in R.

Breezy150, you are wrong.... you don't own him anything.

If you think that getting divorced is the best option for you than you should file. It is perfectly fine to not want to reconcile. Don't feel bad about it.

Breezy150 posted 4/8/2014 10:42 AM

Thank you all.

NeverAgain2013 posted 4/8/2014 11:02 AM

You don't "owe" a damned thing to someone who has systematically worked SO hard year after year after year to literally suck the life right out of you.

NOT ONE THING.

This isn't all about him anymore. It's been all about him for far too long.

You make your decisions based on what's right and healthy for YOU. Not someone who 'only took a tour' of a damned whorehouse.

painfulpast posted 4/8/2014 11:13 AM

Breezy,

The others are right. NeverAgain2013 said it best - you don't owe a damned thing to him.

You know who you owe something to? YOU. You owe you some peace, and a chance at happiness. R isn't for everyone. Sometimes, too many things have happened. Sometimes, one thing has happened. Regardless, R is something you choose, not something you owe.

You gave him what you owed him - love, truth, faithfulness. He owed that to you, and he failed at providing it, willfully. You now owe nothing to anyone but yourself.

((((hugs))))

painfulpast posted 4/8/2014 11:13 AM

Breezy,

The others are right. NeverAgain2013 said it best - you don't owe a damned thing to him.

You know who you owe something to? YOU. You owe you some peace, and a chance at happiness. R isn't for everyone. Sometimes, too many things have happened. Sometimes, one thing has happened. Regardless, R is something you choose, not something you owe.

You gave him what you owed him - love, truth, faithfulness. He owed that to you, and he failed at providing it, willfully. You now owe nothing to anyone but yourself.

((((hugs))))

Breezy150 posted 4/8/2014 11:50 AM

Thank you all so much. I think that is exactly what is pushing my thoughts right now, it finally has to be about me.

I hate that D is so scary financially. I helped build his business but never got a paycheck, put all my eggs in his cheating basket. I am finally ready to just let the financial aspect go and hope for the best in court (but it is still super scary).

Skan posted 4/8/2014 15:45 PM

Never hope for the best in court. Find yourself a lawyer that is a cross between a barracuda and a lamprey eel, and fight for what is owed to you. (((hugs)))

Breezy150 posted 4/8/2014 15:50 PM

I had to laugh at that. My IC very calmly told me the same thing this morning. Because we own a business it is messy.

Daddo posted 4/9/2014 01:04 AM

My 2 cents - it is too soon to make a decision to D or R. Take 6 months or a year to see if you can stand him, start to love him again....

YOu need time to heal before making decisions.

absolut posted 4/9/2014 08:05 AM

Breezy

I will tell you something that was a tremendous help to me, might or might not help you.

Nobody is entitled to a relationship with you.

Nobody

Doesn't matter if a mommy, daddy, they've paid for a nice vacation, they really love you, they want to go to therapy, there is nothing that ENTITLES anybody to a relationship with you. You are always free to tell anybody no with no explanation. You don't even have to rationalize it to yourself. Just feeling like you don't want that relationship is reason enough. IMO the best reason.

doggiediva posted 4/9/2014 09:09 AM

Just because your WH does the work of R doesn't mean he is automatically entitled to another chance at the marriage..

What he did in the way of damage to your relationship is final and quite possibly irreparable..How people come to terms with and heal after infidelity (whether R or D) is highly individual..

Just because a murderer sees the light of God and religion and finds remorse for what he/she did doesn't mean there is an automatic pardon in this life, it is not a get out of jail free card to be remorseful..

Breezy150 posted 4/9/2014 11:00 AM

I have changed my stance a little, I will still be doing everything I can to prepare for divorce, but for now I want a separation. For financial reasons only, it will have to be in house but we have a house that makes it easy.

Like always yesterday he changed his tune completely. Doesn't even acknowledge that he said he didn't have the time to "wallow" in this mess with me. He acts like he never said he was at the end of his rope too, having to deal with me.

I think we are together way too much and him just being around doing nothing triggers me. I think even if R is possible I need some thing that separates old marriage from new one. He needs to court me, date me, and make it so I want to be married to him.

I will not settle for mediocre I have done that for 25 years.

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