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MMM1 posted 4/8/2014 11:16 AM

Dday was Feb 10th 2014. We have been to MC and been living together talking etc however it is the same...she never meant anything,I didn't love her, foolish boy acting out ...blah, blah blah. EA for 3 years, PA past year. I have trouble sleepin and wake up in middle of night with "HER" by my side. And then it starts. She stays all day haunting me and the visions of them together kill me. Anyway, yesterday I asked my husband again if he met her while he was out of town in Rochester in January ( she had posted on FB that she would be in Rochester on the same date) He says no...Of course I dont believe him...perfect opportunity to hook up. Anyway, he got furious because I bought up the A and screamed and yelled an walked out. He has since sent me a text stating "that if is determined that I will still be subject to grilling on specifics, he will not go to any more sessions." Then he proceeds to say "I'm sorry but I will not and cannot answer specifics anymore. That is my line in the sand. ANYTHING more than that i'm willing.
I think he is once again trying to control the situtaion. Not sure if R will work at this point. Thoughts? And im not asking for sexual details, just basic questions from the list of text meassages I found.

TrustedHer posted 4/8/2014 11:27 AM

He's drawn his line in the sand.

If you are willing to live with this forever, and to have him blow up whenever you try to heal, then that's all there is to it.

Do you have a line you want to draw? Need to draw? What do you need to heal?

There's a lot of advice in the Healing Library. The link is in the yellow box at the upper left of your screen. I suggest reading all the BS FAQs to start. Especially the article on the 180.

The thing about a boundary is that it has to have consequences attached. What is the consequence to crossing his line? Divorce? Physical retaliation?

Personally, looking back after 5 years, I'd have conditions attached to R. A timeline, openness, transparency, apology, NC... Just to start. Less than that, and I'd always wonder.

Don't rush into a decision, but make time for yourself to get as stable as possible before you do move forward with either R or D. That's what the 180 is all about, giving you time and strength to focus on yourself. Then you can decide what you need and what you want.

justinpaintoday posted 4/8/2014 11:27 AM

There is a difference between regret and remorse. My WW regrats hurting me and behaving lije a "scumbag" but she lacks remorse. Remorse is when u not only repent of the actoons but r willing to do whatever it takes to make amends. My WW just couldnt swallow her pride and do the right things. Tramsparency. Full disclosure. Ic etc.

You r the victim of the crime. If he wont man up and fix his shit then u will flounder in agony like me and finally just give up from exhaustion.

painfulpast posted 4/8/2014 11:36 AM

So basically, he's told you as much as he wants to tell you, and now he's done.

First - generally that means there are lies in his story. If he'd told you the truth, why would he be angry about answering again. From what we've all seen here, anger and refusals to discuss it means there is more there.

Second - he's asking you to 'forgive' him based on a high level version of the story, and you can't ask any questions. He's embarrassed, and hiding, and he expects you to swallow it.

Are you willing to do that? Are you willing to let him call the shots here? Or do you deserve the truth, as many times as you need it?

Remorse is really necessary for you to feel safe, and for the anger at staying with someone that hurt you so deeply to subside. If he isn't remorseful (and he isn't), you are setting yourself up for a lot of pain and anger. Are you ok with that?

The 180 is in the healing library, under 'faqs for the BS'. I'd give it a read. It's for you, not him.

I'm sorry he's being so hurtful and selfish. For 3 years he's betrayed you. Now he's drawing lines in the sand? Yeah, that wouldn't fly in my house.

Breezy150 posted 4/8/2014 11:51 AM

TOTAL transparency should be the rule for R.

(((Hugs))) so sorry.

mainlyinpain posted 4/8/2014 12:16 PM


He is trying to control you and what you need. Will that work? No. Why is he doing this? For himself. To make himself not hurt or feel bad or to continue the affair and not have so much guilt. So he will control what you know. When you ask specifics you trip him up and he does not like that.
Don't accept his bullying you. But keep control of who you are.
I know you are hurt and trying to find comfort for that. You are trying to gather all the information that you do not know so you can have it all together in front of you and be able to deal with it. You have fears for what you do not know, the unknown, that only your WS and his AP know. That isn't right. This was your marriage and you should know what happened in your marriage. Ow should not know more of what your husband was doing in your marriage than you do.
Are you sure this has not gone underground?
You do not want to be in false R and can not R if it is continuing.
It is not right for him to dictate what you can and can not ask!
What does your mc say? Is he/she a good mc?
Tell your husband that at this point, just a month post DDay, you are not at all sure of what you want or need but you would hope that whatever that would be he would be more than willing give it.
Is he in IC? Sounds like he really needs someone to tell him that he has to own his stuff. Maybe that needs to happen before MC will work.
In the meantime you take care of you.
Implement whatever parts of the 180 feel right for you.
Decide what you need and want in your marriage and your life. But be good to yourself. You need to be strong to be able to endure this emotional upheaval. You have been traumatized and you need aid. Help yourself as much as you can but I hope you have family or friends to talk to also. Maybe they can also talk to your WH and tell him he needs to start helping you and his marriage heal.

k9lover1 posted 4/8/2014 12:21 PM

Is she still employed by him? Does he own the company or what is his position. Just as a sidenote, you have to be wary of a sexual harrassment suit.

Having said that, at this point you need to put on your bitch pants and determine exactly what it is you need to move forward.

Sounds like he wants to just sweep it under the rug and move forward. However, he is NOT being transparent and he is NOT remorseful and concerned about healing you or the relationship. It is not uncommon for a WH to continue in the affair even after discovered.

As far as questions, he should be willing to discuss this with you so that you can rebuild your relationship. Maybe you could write down your questions and bring them up in MC. He has to realize that he brought this upon himself/the marriage and it is his responsibility to do whatever he can to fix it.

The Healing Library has a lot of information - try to read up on what pertains to you.

Reconciliation is a gift to the Wayward Spouse - not an entitlement.

UKgirl posted 4/8/2014 13:17 PM

This is a man keeping his secrets. Sorry, he doesnít have any. Specifics are secrets. Itís like you have been burgled and everything has been trashed. You get to decide what to keep and what to throw out, not the thief. If he has been caught with your stuff, you get to decide what to do with it, not him.

How can there be trust when he refuses to give you information you need? Like itís none of your business? Well, he had NO BUSINESS sticking his watsit into her hooha, but he didnít consult you first, did he? He is withholding information. If he was in a court of law, he would be slammed into a cell on contempt charges.

Withholding information is a form of theft. He is stealing from you the right to know the truth. He is stealing the right to fairness. He is treating you as less than him by making things unequal Ė no, keeping things unequal. He doesnít want to tell you because he doesnít want you to be in a position to make a choice. He wants to get to choose. Well, he lost the right to pretty much everything when he chose to cheat.

This is arrogant forced rug-sweeping at its best. Unfortunately, you cannot MAKE him tell you, nor can you MAKE him tell you the truth. But you do have to decide what you are willing to leave behind and what you are not. What do you plan to do if he refuses to answer your questions?

NeverAgain2013 posted 4/8/2014 13:23 PM

This is a man with absolutely ZERO remorse.

Less than zero.

So not only does he not regret devastating you with his sleazy, sneaky behavior, but he doesn't want to hear your crap about it, either.

Ain't love grand?

I guess you need to decide whether or not you want to be degraded and devalued by him in this manner, and follow HIS rules, or stand up for yourself and TELL him how it's going to be.

Good luck to you.

MMM1 posted 4/8/2014 13:39 PM

Thank you all...a lot to deciper. And yes, she is still employed by him. Left message with MC...hopefully she will be able to give me some insight. He is bullying and definetly not being forthcoming with his secrets. My heart just keeps on breaking....

Neverwudaguessed posted 4/8/2014 13:48 PM

My husband had some very strong feelings that sharing the entails with me was to hurtful to me and he hated doing it. My IC and our MC both thought it was stabbing the knife in an open wound and twisting it. However, he answered my questions because I told him that this was what I needed to heal. I needed it to quit obsessing and be able to move on. We would not move forward without his ability to tell me what I needed to know, even if he thought to himself, How is this helping her?
He needs to think about what he really wants and you need to focus on healing and taking care of yourself. This way if he comes around, then you are in a stronger place personally, but if he never does, you will be OK.

Neverwudaguessed posted 4/8/2014 13:49 PM

AND I almost forgot (((MMM1))) I am so sorry that you are going through this. It is the worst feeling in the world. We are here for you...

UKgirl posted 4/8/2014 13:49 PM

Big hugs to you hon.

You will get through this. Just take it one hour, one day at a time. Breathe. Keep to your values and don't let him beat you down.

He has to do all the things required if he wants reconciliation. Right now, he is just protecting his ass and shielding OW. His behaviour is all wrong.

Keep reading, keep posting. We're here for you.

ETA - read up on dealing with a foggy spouse- JFO, great posts for newbies. Your WH is the foggiest of foggies. There are other great posts you may find useful too.

[This message edited by UKgirl at 1:53 PM, April 8th (Tuesday)]

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