Being in the healing stage feels like its own kind of limbo. The improvements seem so incremental. It's frustrating to be stuck with difficult feelings--a sense of abandonment, mourning, loss, fear of being vulnerable again, mistrust of the motives of others--as a result of the actions of someone who I had faith in and who turned out to not deserve ANY of my investment. Yet the investment is still lingering in my system.
I try to remember that there are some improvements. I don't call my friends bawling anymore. I don't lie on the bathroom floor at work crying nearly as often. On SI, I've packed off from the need to comment on everything, to spend all my time reaching out and engaging; I feel interested in going into Off-Topic and F&G, which I literally never even LOOKED at for the first two months or so.
I've been doing some preliminary work to get my financial house in order, which is a great step for me personally. I researched a new cell phone carrier and will be saving a lot on that bill if I can be careful about my usage.
I've been back at the gym regularly, which is good.
I'm going to a Cards and Humanity meet-up group tonight for the third time, and I really like having added that to my social routine.
I'm getting engaged in community meetings in my soon-to-be new neighborhood and think I can find a nice little niche there as an engaged contributing member of the area.
And it's great to be free of the worry about pleasing and accommodating my ex, who was very sensitive about parts of my life and who was quite emotionally abusive as things unwound.
I've also found that while parts of my new-found caution about men, dating, and sex are sad to me (I want to be the trusting and carefree woman I was again ... even though I know I have to protect myself more carefully), I also have a new freedom from the need to be validated in that area. No ego strokes for me, nothing to prove to anyone, nothing I 'need' to get from the attention of others, even though I miss the intimacy and connection I thought I had. It is going to make me stronger when I am ready to get back out there and means I don't have to add someone to my life to be satisfied.
I guess it's just hard to feel like progress is happening when I still think about how my ex hurt me, about what I thought we had, about how he chose to throw it all away. Those feelings make me feel frozen. Even though it's not the same crushing weight as it used to be, it's not like a constant veil between me and whatever I am doing, keeping me from being present...it still IS there.
And I'm so upset at continuing to be affected by someone who doesn't deserve to impact me at ALL. I feel like I'm spinning my wheels, every day. Like some stupid emotional hamster on its wheel.
Just venting, sorry.