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BS - Would You Want to Know? Multiple Concurrent Affairs

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AshamedOW posted 4/8/2014 14:02 PM

I had an affair for a little over a year with a married man. Firstly, I already know what I did was wrong and have no excuses. It was a first and will be a last for me in terms of being an affair partner. I was lonely and selfish at the time he started pursuing me and I will always regret not having enough respect for myself and for his wife to have not put my own selfish need for attention first. That said...

He was upfront that he was married and that I was not the first person he had had an affair with. He admitted to having several affairs previously and said that it was "in his nature". He also told me, however, that he had never had concurrent affairs and always tested for STDs in between. I thought we had a relatively honest rapport in this regard given his openness about his history.

Prior to making the decision to sleep with him, I had myself tested for STDs to ensure his and his wife's protection (I know this seems like odd thinking given that I was betraying her regardless, but that was my honest reasoning).

We (openly and honestly, so I thought) discussed that should he want to be sexually involved with another, that our affair would end or that he would tell me in advance so that I could make my own decision whether or not to continue knowing the risks involved (we had decided to have unprotected sex because we were both "clean" and he is v-safe).

We work for the same company but he was originally with another office. When he moved to my office, things slowly became evident that I was not the only one he was having an affair with. As it turns out, he is sleeping with (at least) 2 other colleagues (I suppose I deserved that and had it coming). When I finally had enough "evidence" to know beyond a doubt that I wasn't seeing things that were simply not there (caught him checking into a hotel, for example), I confronted him with it. He of course lied to me and then found an excuse to end things (it was getting too "risky" for him).

In a way, I was relieved in that I spent the last few months of our affair in pain worrying that I was being lied to rather than enjoying the companionship. He tried to remain friendly after-the-fact (be "coffee buddies" etc) but I declined. I felt it was more about calming the waters to make sure that I didn't speak with my coworkers or his wife or about alleviating his own guilt. Who knows? I just knew it wouldn't be healthy for me to have any further contact and that it would not be fair to his wife. I've already done enough.

What I want to know is would it be beneficial or harmful to tell his wife in this type of situation? Previous to this, I had always been of the opinion that what one doesn't know won't harm them. From what he tells me, his wife has been blissfully unaware of his secret life for the 20+ years they have been married and beyond the obvious issue, they have a good/strong marriage.

What concerns me is this: if he is having sex with at least 3 of us in the same office, where does it end? His secret life could go even deeper than this, and with every layer adds another element of risk to his wife's health (and subsequently the health of all the women he is with).

I'm struggling to decide what is worse: tell his wife and devastate her and her family, or say nothing and allow these women to unknowingly be put in harm's way? He appears to be compulsive and opportunistic when it comes to sex, and (perhaps??) may even have an addiction that is progressing with time? I have tested for STDs and it does not appear as though he has passed anything to me.

I'm at a loss for which path I should take.

tushnurse posted 4/8/2014 14:21 PM

First let me say welcome, and Thank you for coming here. You may find that some of us as BS's will have a more than strong response to you, and may not be so kind, that comes from you representing the OW.

they have a good/strong marriage

No No they do not. They have the illusion of a good M. This is not a good M, and his poor wife deserves to know. Imagine how you felt that he was splitting time, and not being faithful to you. Now imagine that being your husband and the father of your children. Or your Father doing that to your mom. Not so nice is it?

She deserves to know. Find a way to tell her.
PLEASE. She has probably struggled for a very long time thinking she isn't good enough, she isn't strong enough, and she can't account for his time. She will probably be grateful to finally have the truth.

You my friend need to get you butt into counseling, and figure out why you felt the need to be the OW, and why you would allow yourself to cause such pain and damage to others. You are obviously a smart, strong young woman. You deserve more than being the second third, or even fourth choice. Figure this shit out now, before you M, and have a serial cheater for a spouse.

Lastly go get tested again, and again in 6 months. He is HIGH HIGH risk for STD's. He is also playing Russian Roulette screwing all these women. He WILL get an STD if he doesn't already, and remember even if he "told" you he was clean, that means nothing. This douche is a serial cheater who has perfected the art of lies.

SisterMilkshake posted 4/8/2014 14:24 PM

In a word, yes. Of course, I can't speak for every BS. In general I feel most of us want to know and for exactly the reasons you are expressing.

There was a recent thread in the General Forum called unprotected sex and that is the thing that most of us are the most angry/upset about. The callous way our health was treated. There are/were people on this site that have contracted all kinds of STD's and even HIV.

Yes, I feel she should be informed. Please be as kind and sympathetic as you can be. I imagine she will react angrily towards you and also may not believe you. If you have any kind of proof to share with her that would be good if she asks for it.

slater13 posted 4/8/2014 14:43 PM

Are you married or single?

ChinaCat posted 4/8/2014 14:51 PM

I am a BS:
YES please tell her.
That man is displaying criminal behavior.
His weapon of mass destruction is his penis.

He could pass a possible STD and god knows what-else to his children, friends, family, everyone!

PLEASE tell her. DO NOT DELAY!

AshamedOW posted 4/8/2014 14:53 PM

I am divorced, so yes, single.

Though this may not be the reason you are asking, it was part of my thought process. Though the other 2 women are married with children and likely not high risk, I am single and for all he knew, I could have had multiple partners myself (I didn't - I hadn't had sex for about 2 years when he came along). So it's not as if he's picking people who are low risk, or protecting himself with those who may not be - and he never asked to see the results of my initial STD testing before we got together.

tushnurse posted 4/8/2014 15:04 PM

2 women are married with children and likely not high risk

I beg to differ if they are screwing around with him they are high risk.

solus sto posted 4/8/2014 15:04 PM

Yes. And the fact that the other women are married does not make them low-risk. I had to explain to my stbx's last(ish) AP that he was very high-risk; marital status, children, years of "strong" marriage are meaningless when serial cheating is at play.

As a long-married mother who's gotten STDs from her husband--serious illness resulting--yes. The wife must know. He's playing roulette with her life. It's not a low-risk situation.

Eta: thanks for caring enough to ask.

[This message edited by solus sto at 3:05 PM, April 8th (Tuesday)]

AshamedOW posted 4/8/2014 15:34 PM

"You my friend need to get you butt into counseling, and figure out why you felt the need to be the OW, and why you would allow yourself to cause such pain and damage to others. You are obviously a smart, strong young woman. You deserve more than being the second third, or even fourth choice. Figure this shit out now, before you M, and have a serial cheater for a spouse."


I did. I actually started seeing a therapist shortly before it ended. I am a smart and attractive woman, yet I know that my self esteem must be quite low for me to have gotten into this type of situation to begin with. I've always found the "wrong" type of men for myself, and it is now time for me to figure out why that is.

Thank you for being kind in your replies. I'm truly not a bad person - just one that made a poor decision.

Wayflost posted 4/8/2014 15:46 PM

Ashamed

I've had the experience of outing a couple of my APs to their BS. It was extremely difficult to determine what was necessary to include in my confession. I felt it was important to convey my sorrow at being their WSes OW. In the end I gave them the general details (length of relationship, nature EA/PA), and encouraged them to get tested for STDs and to verify my claims before confronting their WHs. I gave them my old telephone number and encouraged them to get old records. And tried to include private information I knew about them to validate what I said.

One of them responded with some follow up questions. The other hired a PI who contacted me. In both cases I cried, and again apologized for participating in the destruction of their lives.I'm fairly positive the PI recorded our conversation, and I hope it gave her some peace of mind. I'm never going to be part of her life again, and I can never make up for the pain I've caused her. But I'll never know if she heard it.

At the end of the day, no matter how difficult it is, the BS always deserves to know. How much they want to know should be left up to them. I think you could tell her about you, and how you were able to deduce that there are others. But it should be up to her on the details. I have not contacted any of the BSes beyond the initial contact unless they reached out to me. They deserve to live a life without me in it. I keep open an e-mail address set up just for this purpose where they can contact me if they so desire.

Just my 2 cents.

painfulpast posted 4/8/2014 15:47 PM

Hi AshamedOW,

I'm a BS. I concur - please tell her. Yes, you know what you did wasn't right, and you're not happy about your decisions. So right there, I agree - you aren't a bad person. We've all made mistakes in life, of various varieties. You have learned from yours which is all any of us can do. Please don't forget that, no matter what happens - you're not a bad person.

Now, I go back and say please tell her. He is focusing his energies outside of his marriage, so it's not the strong marriage she believes. He's also risking her health. He had you and at least 2 others. This is high risk stuff. Finally, she's building her life on a lie, as she's been doing for years. Does anyone deserve that?

She may not like you at first. She may lash out. But she will come to realize you did her a very great service. Also, you aren't destroying anything. He is doing that by cheating. All you are doing is offering the truth.

(((hugs)))

AshamedOW posted 4/8/2014 16:03 PM

It seems that everyone is leaning the same way in that I should tell her. I will try to figure out the kindest way possible.

I really don't know if she even suspects it? The only thing he mentioned is that she noticed his texting every now and then, and there was once that he was fairly late getting home and she called looking for him. With the amount he communicated with me throughout the evenings (and I assume had some form of contact with the other woman - he once accidentally left his Bluetooth on and one of the women messaged three times before he got it disconnected) she may wonder, at the very least.

I have thousands of emails and texts, along with pictures he has sent me, but I worry that they would be too graphic in detail to show her. I know that she will want proof (and he will likely continue to deny it regardless as he did with me) but I don't want her to be even more heartbroken having to read or see things she may not know about her husband.

As the BS - is there anything I can say or do that would make the blow a little less difficult to take while still offering her something that he can't work his way out of?

LydiaE posted 4/8/2014 16:10 PM

I guess if it were me, I'd mind my own business and try to move on with my life.

If you are seriously considering outing him to his wife, be certain you are doing it for the right reasons and not because you may feel spurned by this guy and want some revenge.

painfulpast posted 4/8/2014 16:24 PM

I think just getting the truth is enough. Just be forgiving, and not defensive. As I said, she may lash out, and be very angry, but when the shock wears off, she'll be thankful that someone cared enough about her as a person to offer her the truth.

If it were me, I wouldn't really care why you did it. Revenge, guilt, bored - it wouldn't matter. I'd want the truth.

This is the right thing. She can choose to act on it, or not. She can leave him, or not. But she'll be basing her life (finally) on some truth - something her 'husband' doesn't seem to think she deserves. That's just so sad.

AshamedOW posted 4/8/2014 16:28 PM

Oh absolutely. It's not out of revenge, nor do I want him back. The NC is my choice. I knew (mostly) what I was getting myself into (minus the other women being involved).

It's solely about my concern that he could expose her to STDs. Otherwise, I'd prefer not to devastate her, and TBH, I'm worried about putting myself into a situation that could be detrimental to me as well given that I don't know her, I don't know what her reaction will be, and most of all, I don't know what he will do to me for exposing him.

I won't disclose our occupations, but we need to maintain our clearances and I could do myself a great deal of harm in this regard.

20WrongsVs1 posted 4/8/2014 16:33 PM

AshamedOW, welcome to the club of attractive, smart women who've made really stupid choices. Good for you, getting into counseling! "Fix your picker" as we say around here, before you get into another (healthy) relationship.

I encourage you to contact the BS, absolutely. BTDT, and it's not easy.

tell his wife and devastate her and her family

You are a messenger. You have nothing to gain from outing AP. Any potential devastation is the fault of AP. The AP in my case called my house after I emailed his BW and berated me, accused me of destroying his family, vowed revenge, etc. And I said, "Right, and you had no part in that." Did I, and did you, have a responsibility to OBS and perhaps even society in general to refrain from sleeping with someone else's husband? Yes, of course, but the damage to AP's family is 100% on him.

Be prepared for BS to react with shock, denial, or anger. AP is, no doubt, an accomplished and persuasive liar. He will most likely paint you as an evil seductress who threw yourself at him and/or even blackmailed him. Sounds ridiculous but I see it on SI all the time, BS's buying that shit from their WS. If she rejects what you have to say, that's fine. BS may thank you, she may hate you. Not your concern. Deliver the message, make yourself available (by email) to answer questions if you're so inclined, and walk away.

There's also a good chance she knows about his serial cheating, but is sticking around for the kids or financial reasons, and/or is working on her exit plan.

Do you have an option to move within the company, so you don't have to see AP ever again?

Tred posted 4/8/2014 16:39 PM

we need to maintain our clearances and I could do myself a great deal of harm in this regard

I don't think this is a compelling reason not to tell her. First, you've already compromised yourself and him to blackmail if a third party were to find out. Telling his wife exposes it and removes the threat of blackmail. It's hiding secrets that is detrimental to your clearance.

Gemini71 posted 4/8/2014 16:47 PM

I guess if it were me, I'd mind my own business and try to move on with my life.

Sorry, LydiaE, but I completely disagree.

The OW slept with her husband, she already inserted yourself into the BS's business. The BS needs the truth, and an apology. As tempting as it is to just move on, there are consequences to actions. In my opinion, getting a glimpse of the destruction left in the wake of an affair will do more to prevent an OW from falling into the same trap than any amount of IC.

[This message edited by Gemini71 at 4:50 PM, April 8th (Tuesday)]

AshamedOW posted 4/8/2014 16:52 PM

I'm hoping that he will be posted elsewhere this summer. It will likely not involve him moving cities, but it could at least have him moving offices. Of the two women, they will likely remain for another year, as will I.

AshamedOW posted 4/8/2014 17:07 PM

Yes, I agree. Having secrets could be worse for our clearances, exposing those secrets could be worse for our reputations.

Either way, I can't base my decision on something work-related. I really just wanted to hear from BS's as to whether or not they would prefer to be told.

According to my tests, I am STD free and since I am out of the relationship, I have nothing to gain either way so I'm trying to determine what's best from this point forward.

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