This is perhaps just therapeutic for me, but may perhaps resonate with others or engender some insights. My H had a LTA from 5/07-3/11.
Like most of us I was consumed with "why" after Dday. Finding SI was very helpful. I read every book I could find, read online, went to MC and IC. Found out about my H's CSA (about as bad as it could be) for the first time. Read many more books. You get it. My H wrote a very long email detailing his understanding of why at about 5 months which was quite insightful and helpful.
I have continued to go over all of this in my mind, more than I would like to frankly. My IC calls this developing "mastery" of what happened and that it is necessary. I continue to talk intermittently with my H about it. And I think that I am comfortable with my understanding at this time.
My H had a crappy childhood. This left him with a fear of intimacy, an inability to attach, fear of control, poor self-esteem, conflict avoidance and selfishness and the ability to compartmentalize. He also was surrounded by infidelity (including his parents and every other role model) and hypersexuality. Sex to him was no big deal. Intimacy was the big deal. He hid this quite well under a façade of competence and quiet confidence. The warning signs were all there for me, however, if I had been wise enough to see them. I had come from a background of no experience with infidelity or even divorce, and had had one previous sexual partner. Sitting duck!
I did notice his selfishness, of course, and tried to get him to address it, along with his tendency to be withdrawn and fear of control. No avail.
We started our careers at the same time and both did well, although I proceeded more slowly so that I could have more time with our children. His took off and he was a big success, very popular and got a lot of kudos. He became increasingly involved in his career, especially after he became a partner. I would talk to him about his priorities and he would always say that the family was his priority and I would ask if he was living his priorities and he would admit that he was not, but he would never change. I even asked if he thought he was doing a good job as a husband and father and he said not really. But that seemed to be acceptable to him. Anytime I would address these sorts of things he would get defensive and withdraw and typically I just left it alone and made the best of it. I took care of almost everything at home and worked hard to make our lives interesting, exciting and fun.
At the time that my H started his LTA he had recently built a new facility for his practice, basically on his shoulders (although I increased my work hours and gave up our savings of course!) and was under a lot of stress. Stress and long hours, fatigue and then, of course, alcohol after these long days and nights, often working alone with the future OW. Elements of the "perfect storm".
He also suffered intermittently with depression, which he was loathe to admit. He describes feeling a "hole" inside himself at the time.
He admits now that he himself and his work were his top priority and that when he went to work he was in his "work world" and rarely thought about home and family. He was the boss, the top dog, the one everyone looked up to and admired. So when one of his employees started having marital troubles and needed career advice and started mirroring that he could save her he ate it up. He describes her adulation as "almost constant". And since he was in the habit of separating his worlds it wasn't as hard as it should have been to cross that line. There was a little guilt at first, especially as he would return home, but that was quickly put into a box. The attachment to me that should have made this difficult was just not present, but the compartmentalization sure was. He actually describes himself as feeling like another person at these times (possibly a little disassociation).
The sex was interesting enough at first. (He has steadfastly refused to use words like exciting, passionate or fun). He remembers after a few weeks it lost the "newness" and after about 6 months he was wishing it was over (in fact he thought initially it would be a short term thing). But she was needing his advice and that continued to feed him. She had gone out on her own and needed lots of handholding (at this point her marriage had ended). He describes the sex as "adequate" at best and that was primarily when it was new. After that it became what he can only describe as a compulsion (with the help of his IC) or a dirty habit. The sex was never the focus; it was primarily the boost he got from being needed and praised--the mirror. In fact, after the first few months there were weeks or even months that went by without his stopping by late at night after an emergency call (which was how it typically went).
Since he was so good at compartmentalizing he behaved no differently at home. I have read here a lot about WS's rewriting their marital history and all to assuage their guilt and have wondered what it said about my H that he didn't do that. He managed to treat me the same and behave the same. He never missed a trick at home; there was never a time he "went out for socks". He was always home on weekends and holidays, there at all the kid's events. We still went on our romantic getaways where we would have sex three times a day. He admits now that he didn't think of himself as a liar and cheater, or even that he was having an affair! He just put it all away. He put her away too, which is one saving grace. He didn't think for a minute that he loved her and didn't try to woo her. He felt no respect for her and made it a point not to give her so much as a card, or even a text on a holiday or take her for a single date (I think he was trying to keep her in her place). He knew that she was so lonely and desperate that she would take what he would give. When she started pressuring him and threatening to tell me and saying that he was treating her like a whore he compartmentalized that too. He knew she would be nice again, and somehow when she was he would go back down that path. The A was becoming progressively more toxic and "sick" (as he called it) and he had only had sex with her twice in the months before DDay #1 and in fact the last time he had gone to her house he just left. So he was more than ready to give it up. Dday #1, in March of 2011 was when I got the phone records and saw all the calls and texts for the last two years, mostly during work but way too many to be acceptable.
But, unfortunately, he wasn't ready to tell the truth. That took Dday #2 and the anonymous letter.
So now, for the first time in his life there is introspection. He is humble and no longer trying to protect himself and feels safe trusting me. He has learned what true intimacy and attachment can feel like and that fills the hole that he felt inside. He has changed his priorities for real this time and has the two of us inside a protected circle. He has learned the joys in giving and sharing in the responsibilities of a life together. He has become equally and fully invested in a relationship for the first time in his life.
And he is finally happy and at peace. And now, most of the time, so am I.
If you made it this far, whew! Thanks for listening!