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Obsessed with OW

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krispy47 posted 4/8/2014 14:18 PM

I read another thread here on this same thing recently, but can't find it. I need some help with how to control my obsession with the OW.

Over on the LTA thread, I got some really good advice from MC Jack, who reminded me that I need to keep the focus of my anger on WH, the one who made me promises and broke them, failed to protect me, and broke my heart and wrecked my world. Combined with this thread that I have been reading and re-reading ( I KNOW, intellectually, that the OW is incidental to my pain. I know she could have been ANY woman with the right body parts and low-enough self-esteem. I know that he never would have left me for her Ė it was a LTA and he had plenty of opportunity Ė and I know that as soon as it was discovered he dropped her like a hot potato and is frantic to R.

So why can I not let her go?! I spend more time thinking about her than he does, and I KNOW it is a waste of my time and energy.

Yet I still find myself FB stalking her, or visiting her company website, or writing her letters that I am dying to send but donít only because WH and I agreed to show each other every bit of outgoing correspondence relating to the A. I want to grind her nose in how unimportant and pathetic she is, even though I know it would be pointless. And even though it makes me feel bad about myself. Thatís not who I am in real life!

Does anyone else struggle with this? What do you do? How do I look away from the wreck?

[This message edited by krispy47 at 4:33 PM, April 8th (Tuesday)]

LeftOutintheCold posted 4/8/2014 14:28 PM

I don't know what to tell you as I'm still currently obsessed with the OW in my situation too. I'd be curious as to what others might suggest because I am tired of wasting my energy on her and my WH. (((krispy47)))

strongerdaybyday posted 4/8/2014 14:29 PM

why can I not let her go

For me it was because she had a part of my husband that was supposed to be mine. She knew all about me and didn't care. I wanted her to hurt the way I hurt. I wanted all the info on her I could find. But slowly, the need to get to know who this woman was and how my H could risk our entire marriage over her started to go away. She was a broken and pathetic woman. She doesn't deserve space in my head. It took months before I stopped completely obsessing. Do I still look her up on social media? Sure I do. But it's much, much less then before. I'm 9 mos out a year from now that bitch will be a distant memory.

suckstobeme posted 4/8/2014 14:46 PM

My exwh got busted and, instead of sticking around to fix the problems, he ran. Unfortunately, he ran to "the slunt".

At first, I wanted to rip her head off. I know where she works and how I could get to her. She works for him so she also knew all about me and our two young children. As far as I'm concerned, she was an active participant in the destruction of my family and my whole sense of security. In fact, the information that I have points to her pushing him to leave or else she was going to spill it all to me. As it is, I don't know much about when they started, how often, where, etc. I'm sure she was ready to tell me everything.

Anyway, what stopped me from contacting her, looking at her social media bullshit, and eventually giving her little to no thought was the fact that she is a certifiable attention whore. She has a big mouth in person and on social media. She "blogged" about her "relationship" with my husband before I ever even filed for divorce. She would tweet celebrities as though they were her friends. She's just an all around wing nut who doesn't exist in the real world.

People like that LOVE when you give them attention. That lets them think that they are way more important than they really are.

I figured that out quickly and was determined to never give that stupid POS slunt one ounce of my attention. I've been in the same room with her once - she never even turned around to look at me. If I find myself in the same space with her again, I will look past her and wrinkle my nose like a bad smell just crossed my nostrils.

In addition to the fact that this is what will help me remain classy and dignified, particularly in front of my children, I know that it also is what will absolutely kill her. Silence, to these assholes, is as hurtful as if you shot them at point blank range.

Do not ever give that pig what she wants. She's nothing. Focus on yourself and your efforts to R.

4everfaithful83 posted 4/8/2014 15:07 PM

Read this post by deathbybetrayal, it is awesome, and It helped me! Its called :

"honey, they always affair down"

As far as letting go of the OW, IMHO - I finally got to the place where I had to let go because it was seriously affecting any chances of R with my WBF. It was also affecting me in my day to day life. I was miserable. All it did was cause me more pain. It definitely didn't enhance my life in ANY way, or add anything to R.

I deleted everything I had, I blocked her Facebook so I couldn't stalk her. Everything. I successfully haven't even attempted to look anything up to do with OW in about 4 months!! *HIGH FIVE* LOL.

It's hard, but I think if you want to move on, you have to get to the point where you understand that she is nothing, she means nothing, and she could have been anyone. literally. She's nothing special. But you are!

seriously read that post! It's great. I bumped it too so others can read it! Hugs to you Krispy47!

Gumdropped posted 4/8/2014 17:30 PM

I'm obsessed right now with a woman that I don't know was an OW - I read an e mail from 2012 in that he said to his friend ( that was trying to get them together)that he was available and a good catch and that he couldn't wait to meet her. Those e mails were the end of that converstaion that I could see. He tells me he never met her - she lives in out city. I'm just so torn about not knowing if he did meet up with her or not..... UGH!!!!

frenchmoxie posted 4/8/2014 17:43 PM

Yes I'm still struggling with this, although I didn't have enough self restraint to NOT see n d her email and text messages, which she then of course ran and showed to WS, and then he attacked ME for being a bad person. Ha.

Trying2LoveAgain posted 4/8/2014 18:40 PM

BW here

I think its only normal to obsess to a point! But...they are not worth your precious time and energy to do it! Sometimes I still find myself doing the same thing, but then I stop and remind myself, he is STILL here with me, and has been since the A 25 years ago! He could have left if he'd chosen to! Yes, they TOOK a part of our WH that was NOT theirs to take, however also remember, it could have been ANY easy, broken woman! They probably have NEVER known real, true maybe obsess over pity for them!

[This message edited by Trying2LoveAgain at 6:49 PM, April 8th (Tuesday)]

RippedSoul posted 4/8/2014 18:59 PM

I still struggle with her--18 months out. Of course, it doesn't help that he was DEEP in the fog and is an SLA. While I acknowledge that my WH is the one who broke vows to me, she was the one I felt safe to hate. So I did. I needed to let the hatred out some way, so I vented on her. She didn't know it, but I did. When I ran on a treadmill, I was smashing her face. I used my anger at her to propel me forward and to move on, to move through, to prove that she could not get the best of me, she could not destroy me.

The feelings I have toward my SLAWH are far more complex and don't motivate me in quite the same way. So although I WAS obsessed with her, I feel like it was productive. Does that make ANY sense at all? And now that time has passed, now that his interactions with her have lessened (they still see each other occasionally--once or twice a quarter), now that he no longer texts her and has finally blocked her phone number, now that he has successfully turned down a group lunch date that she'd be attending and that she invited him to, my obsession is dying. She's no longer a threat to me. And if she ever becomes one again, then my path forward is clear.

[This message edited by RippedSoul at 7:01 PM, April 8th (Tuesday)]

krispy47 posted 4/8/2014 19:00 PM

...however also remember, it could have been ANY easy, broken woman! They probably have NEVER known real, true maybe obsess over pity for them!

I'm working on this. I do sometimes feel a sliver of pity for her: my WH was not the first MM who dumped her, and her H supposedly knew and did not mind sharing. She also knew that she ranked only about 5th on WH's list of priorities, after my kids, me, his job and his scout troop. It would take a pretty pathetic person to tolerate all that, and then grovel when he went NC.

But pity wins out only rarely. Most of the time I revel in her presumed suffering and wish I could see it up close. Karma is a bitch, and she's on my side!

Jrazz posted 4/8/2014 19:14 PM

That was totally me. After time, the obsession with the AP fades - along with a lot of the panic and fury. You're doing an awesome job to recognize where to put your energy. Just know that she's not always going to occupy your brainspace like this.


Lobo posted 4/8/2014 19:56 PM

Whenever I'm obsessing, I make myself think about how happy it would make that vile cow. How gloriously happy she would be, knowing I was in pain over her. I soon turn my attention elsewhere.

Scubadoo posted 4/11/2014 23:30 PM

Oh my goodness. I thought I was the only person who had this crazy obsession. I am 5 months post d-day. The OW knew everything about me the entire time, she apparently Facebook stalked me for eight months telling my WS how she wanted to be me. Now I find myself doing the same thing. I want to cause her as much pain, embarrassment, and humiliation that I can. My brain tells me how unhealthy this is and my time would be better spent doing something constructive., yet I still find myself cyber snooping all day long. She of course had me blocked from her Facebook profile. After all that is how she told me. She messaged me because he had dumped her to come back to me wholly and completely, and he wasn't going to get off scot free ( her words ). Shame on me, but I even posted her on one of those shaming sites. I won't say the name. Don't want to get in trouble with my first post. Please excuse me, this might be long. I have absolutely no one to talk to about this, because I never told anyone about it. Just put it under my hat and hid all the pain in front of my friends and family. We then moved out of state. Now I have no friends.

ShedSomeLight posted 4/12/2014 05:26 AM

Hello all that are obsessed with OW....

I am almost 9 months out of "A" DD was 7/31/13. The OW stalked me and she is currently being prosecuted. Long story on how she stalked me but it was very bad. Her identity was revealed to me by law enforcement and then my "H" confessed to the affair. They had a long term affair and they met either at a hotel during his lunch hour or at her house. One thing I have to say to anyone on here is that even though your husband is home at night, he could still be having an affair.

I was very obsessed with the OW. Since she stalked me....I started stalking her. I even made up a fake Facebook page so I could go on her page. She has me blocked. I truly feel that it is normal to go through this obsession with the OW. We all want to know what they had that we did not have that lead our spouses into their arms. Well, what I discovered it that she has nothing on me ! It took time for me to move on from my obsession from her. I think she is pathetic and a criminal. She has three felonies and 2 stalking charges.

Anyone who is obsessed with the OW...use your energy else where. Do something positive for you. Cheaters go after availability, no quality. Remember YOU are a quality person !!! HUGS to all.

trying2bstrong86 posted 4/16/2014 01:33 AM

In my case, its the OW who were obsessed with me. She was the one stalking me in FB, calling and texting me and it was her who told me of the A. After DDay, she used evry means of communications to let me know everything about the affair, even sending someone to my home to talk about the A and that my WSO love her so much and that he will leave me for her. Even calling me and let me hear they're having sex with my WSO (he doesn't know, he said). It was crazy, she wanted to break me, temporarily yes she does, I had several episodes of panic attack, nightmares because of what' had happened. But I had enough, I deleted my FB account, change number and email account. I can't let her do that to me anymore. WSO wanted maybe to cake-eating, me now in rollercoasters of deep shit emotions.

littleflower posted 4/16/2014 02:30 AM

I know far too much about the OW
I wish I knew less - I wish she was an unknown -
that she hadn't sat at my table for Christmas dinner - helped with my kids - I wish that I didn't know that her fav drink is a g and t , and on and on and on

strengthandhope posted 4/16/2014 03:23 AM

Your DD is so very recent. Please just hang on! They days will get easier...but I do NOT mean "rug sweeping" is the way to go. You are still on a tumultuous roller coaster and will be for a while. Just keep busy, focus on what is important and keep reading and posting here on SI. I appreciate your honesty and wish you the very best.

Furious1 posted 4/16/2014 06:51 AM

I found that my obsession about the OW weren't actually about the OW. I was obsessed with the fact that OW knew more about me then I knew about them.

Once I realized that, I knew there was only one solution for me that would work. I found out everything I possibly could about all of the OW. With my sister, that was easy because I knew more about her the WH ever could. With the rest of them, I dug around. I found their FB, read their blogs, ran background checks, and basically found out all the dirt on them that I could.

It has helped. Information is power. For too long, I felt like OW had all the power because they had all of the information. I took my power back.

Adeahan posted 4/16/2014 07:18 AM

i have obsessed a bit when i found the guy on social media from stuff WS told me and my own investigative stills, i know where he life, works, email, facebook, POF, phone number, pictures all that jazz (i may be in the wrong career hah), i did send him a message, nothing bad just wanting answers, i dont expect anything from looking at the little puke, i am hoping eventually i can just forget about him, its not easy though i feel your pain.

ReunitePangea posted 4/16/2014 07:53 AM

I think it is normal to obsess over the OP for some. It is hard not to do that - while your WS is at fault for the cheating in your marriage, the OP is also at fault for not following the golden rule.

The thought that it could have been ANY easy broken person may apply to some situations and help them to not obsess over OP. It doesn't apply to all situations though. In some cases the OP is a very specific person and wasn't just anyone. Especially in many LTA situations this could be the case. In my situation, the OM1 was there from the very beginning. He was a former BF that my WW never broke up with. He wasn't ANY easy broken person - he was a SPECIFIC broken person that violated my M and had been with my WW longer than I have.

I know crickets is what is always advised. Crickets are all that I have given for 1 1/2 years. I am not sure if crickets always work though. I've typed many emails myself and not sent them. One day I think I will just hit send, block OM email forever so that I get the last word. Waiting for Karma is not always satisfying.

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