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SO left his email account open on my computer

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idkam posted 4/8/2014 14:41 PM

So of course i snooped... what i found was a girl sending him a copy of a ticket she had recieved for speeding and wanted him to pay it....he paid it.... I snooped a little bit more and found an email trail between him and one of his sons ( the one that i ques is his) about a car he wants... Well, my SO told him he was looking into having it financed but he has to get his own acct bc the one he has is in both our names ...really??? Before i read the email he and i had a conversation about what he was doing for his son and this car.... At the time he told me he was giving him $500 that was it....


I hate confrontation....Yesteday morng i asked if he had anything he wanted to tell me?? He said no i dont and i said
are you sure? Of course he ssid yes i'm sure..... So i asked who is so and so...he says oh somebody i borrowed money from almost 10 years ago...i asked where does she live and he said in Oregon( true)...they worked together in LA and he borrowed $200 from her.... i said "you bortowed money from her"....

Then the conversation went to his son and the car, i told SO that he hasnt been honest withme about that.... He asked should i care since i dont like his son and dont think he's his son amyway...i said what are you talking about and what does that have to do with you being honest with me...his stubborn ass just stood there like a stubborn mule...then he said why didnt you just ask me why wad i given $160 to someone?? I told him i asked the way i wanted to ask....then i said so are you going to tell me whats going on with you and the car situation? He didnt say a word so I said fine and stormed out the door....

When i got to work i sent him a text telling him he always say to me this is our money but when it comes to him giving money to whomever are paying this or that for one of his sons he never tells me... I told him i'm an open book with him i tell him just about everything that is going on with me but he doesnt share inffo with me.... He never texted me back nor did he mention anything last night....

Do i bring it up again?

As for the son that i dont think is his.. I made the mistake (while intoxicated) that i didnt think he was his son...because the mother was married at the time and messing around with SO and diff men... This boy doesnt look like any of his sons... He has 3 other sons two are by the same woman and the other one is for another woman but all three has there fathers height and complex....i know it was hurtful to my SO to hear me say that but i've held it in since i met the son..well actually me and my SO mother talked about it too... He said i mentioned that too in my drnken state.. He said i asked my mother about that and she told me she never told you that oh boy...
What should i do now???

BTW-The son is 26 married w/ a 2yr old son...

What say you??

GabyBaby posted 4/8/2014 14:50 PM

First, I say get your own checking account and separate your money.

Second, I'd be livid about "some girl" getting her tickets paid on my SO's dime. I, personally, would not let that one go.

Third, I'd have a very long and pointed conversation about the status of your relationship given the SIGNFICANT things your SO hides from you.

Fourth, I'd seriously consider kicking him out/moving out if things don't change very rapidly.

ajsmom posted 4/8/2014 14:56 PM

Isn't this about the fourth or fifth (or more) red flag you've gotten about this guy?

Add these to the list, I guess.


tushnurse posted 4/8/2014 14:57 PM

I second EVERYTHING Gaby said.

Why would you want to be in a relationship where there are lies again????

Nope never again. Lying, Hiding, Not telling everything. I deserve more, and so do you.

MissesJai posted 4/8/2014 15:14 PM

what Gaby, aj's mom and tushnurse said. All these red flags.

Undefinabl3 posted 4/8/2014 15:16 PM

what Gaby, aj's mom and tushnurse said. All these red flags

Yeah, what they said.

I think there is a huge difference between being Private and being have the latter girl.

idkam posted 4/8/2014 15:46 PM

Omg!! I wasnt expecting replies this soon...thanks my SI friends...
Gaby you are straight to the point and i appreciate it soo much....

I must admit my thoughts have really been strange that we do not have the house hanging over our heads and i've graduated from college its like we have nothing going on together... secondly, I'm noticing more things that i never really paid any attention too..

when i was reading the emails between he and his son he lied to his son... He has two bank accounts surely he can try and get a loan through one of those...we have one account together at my CU we were putting money there for closing cost....... I have a separate chg & savings at the same CU plus a chg & saving at a reg bank...

However, the car is in both our names and now i have a huge student loan to pay back....i would def have to get a second job just to pay my bills....

You guys are so right about the red flags....

I have many things to think about...

ajsmom posted 4/8/2014 16:00 PM

You wouldn't have snooped had you not had jacked up Spidey Senses.

Gonna be honest...I've not liked this guy from the get go and am SO glad you got out of that house deal. That whole "he wants to make investments for me using my money" thing said it all.

Speaking of, you should probably "unmingle" those house funds now.

Just sayin'...

trumanshow posted 4/8/2014 16:06 PM

and he was an AP?

Must Survive posted 4/8/2014 16:17 PM

Exactly what AJsMom said.

GabyBaby posted 4/8/2014 16:17 PM

I'm going to be blunt (again)...

However, the car is in both our names and now i have a huge student loan to pay back....i would def have to get a second job just to pay my bills....

So given the last part of your statement, it seems like you're willing to stay in this situation for convenience/comfort.
Is that really what you want to do? Don't you deserve a lot better?

[This message edited by GabyBaby at 4:59 PM, April 8th (Tuesday)]

idkam posted 4/8/2014 17:02 PM

Sorry guys i'm on my iPhone so forgive me if i dont address all quest/comments..
Ajmom: yes i'm glad the house deal didnt work out either... We actually got life ins policies on one another bc i felt uncomfortable abt going into this without a safety net....yeah the investment thing: i didnt have a good feeling about that either... From what he says the investments are going well, i asked to see a statement and he never produced one yet....he doesnt put monies in the CU so whatever is there is mine....

Yes he had an affair on his first wife 30 plus years ago... That was one of the things he told me on our 1st or 2nd date... Get this he also told me that he use to LIE alot....

Gaby; no i do not plan to stay in this long term however i must be smart about how i go about things....i know he can be mean and cold so i def do not want to put myself in a position that i cant survive from..

Thanks for all of your input... Leaving work now and will chk back later..

Helen of Troy posted 4/8/2014 18:08 PM

He may have good qualities, he may have done nice things for you. Now that doesn't mean he is incapable of inappropriate and dishonest behavior.
Maybe you want one person to validate or give reasons why his behavior "doesn't seem so bad."
I can't be one of those people sorry.
This situation/relationship does not sound respectful or loving to Idkam.
Don't berate yourself for not having a better picker. Just get up, dust off and decide which steps you will take.
Don't settle.

idkam posted 4/8/2014 18:54 PM

Helen, i do not plan to settle...the downside of all of tjhs is we just signed a lease on the condo. I should have asked him not to include my name.....i could afford this condo idk maybe we could come to some type of agreement....,

My sister will be moving to my town in a few months and i asked her if she wanted to be!! She called me immefiately and i told her about the recent events....the sjort version..

Bluebird26 posted 4/8/2014 20:33 PM

I would definitely be making a plan B, get all your finances separated.

IMHO I think the 26 son should be financing his own vehicle. But I would let go of the 'not his son' conversation. It's really none of you business and even if he is not blood related doesn't mean it's not his son. Just saying, I have 2 sons they both have the same father and they look nothing alike, they are complete opposites people cannot tell they are brothers so it does happen genetics is certainly interesting.

Please look after yourself it sounds like this guy is starting unravel and stories (aka lies) are changing.

cissi posted 4/8/2014 20:49 PM

Let the life insurance policy lapse and make sure he knows it.

Mousse242 posted 4/8/2014 21:01 PM

You can cancel the ins. policy and be refunded the remainder.

If you have a Federal student loan, you can call them and have the payments reduced to something more affordable. You'll still be paying interest but until you can handle a larger payment, it's the best course of action.

You have 6 months after graduation to start paying them back.

Take out what you put into your joint account or close it all together and give him his portion. Separate financial ties with him immediately. Make sure he has NO access to your other accounts.

Talk to your landlord or building management. Ask them about getting a place just for yourself in the same complex and how you can go about removing yourself from the lease. If you stay in the same complex or with the same management they may not charge you anything for moving.

Get away from this guy. Fast. He's lying to you left and right. NO ONE pays $160 for a ticket for someone else unless there is some kind of relationship there. And you KNOW this.


From what he says the investments are going well, i asked to see a statement and he never produced one yet

Demand to see this. Look at taking legal action if necessary for fraud/theft for taking your money. DO NOT give him any more.

Refinance the car or quick claim it to him and get one on your own.

This guy is lying to you left and right.

[This message edited by Mousse242 at 9:04 PM, April 8th (Tuesday)]

Griefstricken25 posted 4/9/2014 01:18 AM

What say you??

I say get out. This relationship is full of lies and distrust and anger and frustration and sneakiness. Why live like that?

Softcentre posted 4/9/2014 03:41 AM

It's in the early stages and he's already showing you:

1. He can't communicate with you about important issues
2. He's conflict avoidant
3. He's deceptive
4. He's a blame shifter - note how it was YOUR fault that he hid the finance stuff from you

You already know he's been a cheater in his past. He hasn't done the hard work to change and you know what that spells for your future.


idkam posted 4/9/2014 08:34 AM

Thanks agsin for your quick response...

Let me try to address some of question/comments...
The landlord is our friend who was diagnosed with esopageal cancer last Oct... I certaintly do not wsnt to bring him into our mess....i will check into the the quick claim regarding the car situation.....the monies in the CU is mine he took out his money already....i'm calling the ins company on my lunch hr. To this moment the only things we have together is my car and he pays my cell bill and we put my moms phone on our plan also....

We bought a washer with my cc and i want to pay that off right away.....for next several months i will be working towards paying off cc and putting money aside for my exit.....

I believe he thinks that everything is ok now bc we are having small talk here and there.... How do i bring things up againt do i say SO i'm leaving you or do i lay low until i get everything together???

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