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Newest Member: Thrivingforward (61554)

User Topic: 4 months plus out
♀ 41741
Member # 41741
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, April 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am a bit over 4 months out from dday even though it has actually been 2 years since he did this horrific thing. He said he knew then he would never do it again, but he never told me. It pisses me off! My question is how far out from dday did you decide firmly on R? I am trying to R, but keep my rear end firmly planted on the fence and occasionally push a leg back over onto the other side if you know what I mean. I recently found out I am pg and the sickness set in about four days ago and with it came rage! I have been angry off and on for a while since the shock wore off, but this is like over-the-top hatred for him. Looking at WS and knowing what he did just makes me mad! Hormones are ugly, I know, but I can't decide if this is hormonal or I am just done. I really don't know if I can do this. I want to, but don't know if I can. I don't know if I want to raise a baby with him. How long after dday did you decide firmly, if ever, on R?

Me FBS around 40
Him FWS early 40s (lovemywife4ever)
He cheated before M, forgot to tell me
"Free at last, free at last, thank God Almighty we are free at last" - MLK Jr

Posts: 2213 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Midwest
♀ 38384
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 3:06 PM, April 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Deena, you are still very fresh and raw. I too learned of my H's A well after it was done (one year after it ended). I am 15 months now from D-Day.

Is your H owning this? Is he looking into why this was an option for him? Is he reading books, going to IC and speaking to you on a regular basis about the A? Are you asking questions - peeling the onion so to speak.

There is no one answer for the question you ask. If your WS is saying and DOING you may decide to arrive at R much quicker then say something whose WS has their head up their ass.

While I am happy for your pregnancy, this is all very stressful on you - dealing with the A while pregnant. I can't imagine. But you are blessed with a child.

You do not have to do anything now but take care of you and your baby.

Keep talking to your H and keep posting here.

((deena)) ((baby))

Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 3439 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
♀ 35812
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 7:11 PM, April 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, I made the commitment to not divorce for a year, unless something horrific enough happened to where all bets were off. We both wanted to R, I just wasn't sure if it was possible. I committed to not divorcing about 9 months out. And then, due to his lies, at 18 months we were in-house separated and I was seeking a legal separation as a prelude to a divorce. Now, we are firmly R and working like hell to make sure that we stay so.

I guess what all of this means is that just because you make a decision to R or to D or to S, you can always re-think that decision if needed. FWH knows that if our marriage starts going down that infidelity slope again, I am outta here. So maybe it would help you, for a while at least, to just decide that for today, or tomorrow, or for a week at a time, you'll focus on not divorcing? (((hugs)))

Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012

Posts: 10081 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
♀ 41741
Member # 41741
Default  Posted: 8:12 PM, April 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks!! I want to R, but just do not see myself as being able to ever look at him the same. I am starting to think I would be better off without him. I don't want him in my face while pregnant. Honestly, I don't know if I'm pushing away or trying to hurt him, but I don't even think I will have him there when I deliver. After that, he can come in, but I would rather not see him during that. I don't know...

Me FBS around 40
Him FWS early 40s (lovemywife4ever)
He cheated before M, forgot to tell me
"Free at last, free at last, thank God Almighty we are free at last" - MLK Jr

Posts: 2213 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Midwest
♀ 41951
Member # 41951
Default  Posted: 12:37 AM, April 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Same thing happened to me. The A was long over when I found out. I am only 3 months and a few days into this. We have a great MC. She calls WH and I on everything. This week, we had a major breakthrough. All about communication. I was angry, and WH wasn't stepping up to the plate to help. He was angry because he didn't know what to do. We learned that we both have to help each other. Simple concept, but it doesn't work unless both parties make it happen. I wish all of us the best. I'm still struggling, but WH is finally helping me. I wish for you the same. MC told me to stop coddling him and ask him for what I need. That usually would end up in a fight, but WH finally is listening. Tonight was great:) I hope tomorrow works too. May you find a comfortable place to struggle. Preferably in your own bed. I've found my basement couch very comfortable the last 3 months, only to avoid the WH. But I was wrong to do that. Even though I can't sleep tonight, it's only because he helped me thru a bad moment, and gave me what I needed. So therefore...I'm basking in the moment and can't sleep!!

" He paved paradise and put up a parking lot"
BS - me
WS- him
married 26 years, together since kids
D- Day Jan 4 2014
PMA- starting this moment
R - in MC. WH is in IC

Posts: 149 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New York
Topic Posts: 5

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