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StillLivin posted 4/8/2014 14:42 PM

I informed friends that he will be served the paperwork to modify the LS to D.
Most said they were sorry, how did I feel about it, and offered support.
One was all happy and asked when was I going to celebrate the happy occasion.
I was speechless. Really? Celebrate a death?
Has anybody else had this insensitivity happen to them?
I'm not happy about anything that he did to me, but I'm still mourning the death of the M I thought I was in until he blew it up.
Don't get me wrong, we have all heard about those horrible M's where violence was rampant. But unless the M was heinous, I can't see wanting to celebrate.
And yes, he is being a jerk. But for me it isn't about him, but my grief. I was genuine, and I was really in the M. I loved him with all my heart. It's a shame I was in love with a lie, but I still am processing that.

Oftencheatedon posted 4/8/2014 14:52 PM

Don't be too hard on the person that said that. All they see from the outside is that you are ridding yourself of a jerk.

They never loved him nor did they experience the joy of the marriage when it worked.

Unless you have overtly shared how much grief the loss of the marriage is causing you and that how much you love him, they may only see that you are getting rid of rubbish.

When I see a person treating a friend of my like garbage I have to admit that my first thought is that they need to get rid of that person.

lieshurt posted 4/8/2014 14:56 PM

I celebrated my divorce. It was final two days before my birthday, so my friends and I went to San Antonio to celebrate both. We had an absolutely fabulous time!

suckstobeme posted 4/8/2014 14:57 PM

None of my true friends threw the celebration line at me. They knew how I felt. I was like you - I was mourning the death of my marriage, my security, my family, and a big part of what identified me. I wasn't at all happy about it even though my exwh cheated and lied and just about killed me emotionally. Like you, the majority of our memories were happy. I loved who he was, or at least who I believed he was, I loved our memories, and I never dreamed that he would purposely put me through the pain of infidelity and divorce. I had a hard time processing it and still find it tough sometimes at more than 3 years out.

However, I vividly remember one time when an acquaintance saw me at a sandwich shop and we started chatting. She asked me a couple of times if I was going to have any more kids. I said no once. She asked again. The second time I responded by saying, "well, seeing as I'm no longer married and I'm about to turn 40, I don't think more kids are in the cards."

She looked me dead in the face and said, "oh, you're so lucky!" I almost fell over. I must have given her a look like she had five heads and she essentially explained that she was jealous - she felt like she and her husband had "grown apart" to the point where she didn't want to be married anymore.

I walked away from that in shock.

[This message edited by suckstobeme at 2:59 PM, April 8th (Tuesday)]

HurtsButImOK posted 4/8/2014 15:04 PM


Sorry your friend was insensitive and made a comment that hurt you.

In my situation I endured over a year of unnecessary fuckery before the LS was finalised. During that time I incurred serious emotional and mental damage just trying to get legally free of him. I mourned the death of the relationship (still do) and grieved the loss of what I thought I had. However, by the time the legalities were finalised I was ready to celebrate that I was finally free of him and he could no longer hurt me.

My friends and I toasted my freedom and new beginning with bubbly (lots of it!). It didn't mean I was no longer in pain, it was more a recognition that the battle was finally over and I could now concentrate on me and my healing.

Everyone is different though so do what is right for you in the circumstances.

Charity411 posted 4/8/2014 16:06 PM

I inadvertently celebrated my divorce. I was working as the assistant general manager at a new, small luxury hotel that was still under construction and we were horribly behind. I was was working from 5 am till past midnight. The day of my court date I got to work at 5 am and in the frenzy of helping to move furniture into guest rooms and such I almost forgot to go to court.

I dashed home, changed clothes, and went to court and got divorced. Then I went back to work. I was still there around midnight sorting pillows and linens and a construction worker asked me how my day was. I told him I got divorced so it wasn't all that great. Before I knew it a case of champagne showed up and the whole crew toasted to my new future.

While I wasn't necessarily in the mood to celebrate, I was really touched by this attempt to cheer me up by construction workers I barely knew.
So I guess it depends on the situation.

norabird posted 4/8/2014 16:36 PM


I understand being hurt by this, totally.

Yet I can see too that this friend, while they lack the ability to understand just what a blow and a loss this awful process is, and how it's not what you would have chosen, can also probably see beyond the pain we get stuck inside of and is looking out ahead at what they believe will be a very bright future for you. And I'm sure that there is a bright future out there.

So, amidst your mourning and grieving for the death of the M, I hope a small part of you remembers that light waiting up ahead for you, once you're ready to enter it.

Nature_Girl posted 4/8/2014 18:14 PM

I'm sorry you were hurt. (((HUGS)))

However, please know that a great many people, including yours truly, celebrated getting away from their spouse/finalizing the divorce. It's a very common reaction. Most people don't know what to say when they learn of separation/divorce. Most people just want you to be happy.

Sad in AZ posted 4/8/2014 19:54 PM

Perhaps your friend saw what you didn't see. I've had several people comment that they could never understand what I saw in the X. They were people who didn't have a stake in my life--either acquaintances or peripheral relatives. They were genuinely nonplussed that I spent most of my life with him.

I celebrated my D by going to Las Vegas with a couple of SI friends. I was still in love with the X, but I was glad the crap was over. It took a while longer to get through it all, but the celebration proved to be what I needed.

Bluebird26 posted 4/8/2014 20:49 PM

Whilst you might not feel like celebrating right now and I am sorry you felt hurt by your friend it may change later on.

Once the hurt has settled and you move on from this the blinders kind of come off and you can really see the ex for what they are and what your marriage was.

You can then celebrate as you deserve better than that.

Maybe your friend could see the hurt your ex was causing you and is happy for you to now have ended that period in your life.

Leia posted 4/8/2014 21:16 PM

I'm sorry you were hurt. I agree with everyone who says it is a common reaction. I a good IRL friend and I started knocking around ideas for a Divorce Party a good week after DDay #2. Still gonna, even though I have no idea when this thing is going to be finalized.

h0peless posted 4/8/2014 23:26 PM

I thought the thread title said "celibate" and I was about to raise my damn hand!

I got my hair cut the day my divorce was final and the lady who cut my hair offered to help me "celebrate". I imagine she was trying to help but I wasn't ready. You aren't either. Take your time. There will be a time for celebration but now isn't it.

iamsoblind42 posted 4/8/2014 23:33 PM

I plan to celebrate. I have a bottle of Dom chilling for April 21st.

I loved my WH and I loved my life and the shock and hell he has put me through is truly unbelievable but I REFUSE to let him take any more from me.

I have resolved to mourn the loss of my M up until the day it is final but come April 21st I am closing that book and moving on.

I am sure I will still have bad days but if you only live once I don't want him to take anymore of my life than he has already taken.

I am sure your friend was trying to be a comfort and not hurtful.

Caretaker1 posted 4/9/2014 05:21 AM

I wouldn't celebrate. Our marriages were not blunders. They had very good times and the fact that one person took it to the extreme doesn't negate the fact for many, that we value being in a marriage. Celebrating the present awful experience .....not my style. It's a death and renewal. Celebrating and casting out the bad just may be symbolism and a validation and last effort to say you overcame one of the worst experiences of our lives. Sometimes the 20 percent that was bad, ruined it for the 80 percent times the marriage was good. It takes two to tango. It wasn't all bad. It ended badly despite efforts. Am I celebrating that I am painting my whole marriage as a mistake? That I rid myself of someone I once loved but who now is disrespectful, non contrite, brash, and a demeaning individual? I can quietly reflect and try to understand the shared mistakes, and overcome their crossing the line. Cheating is wrong, it's so painful, but I didn't take that route despite my unhappiness in my marriage. When our marriages turned toxic, we still held hope. Most are devastated by the breakdown, but celebrate is too strong of a word. I'd feel I'm devaluing that part that I vowed and my choice to enter the marriage. Our exes surprised and disrespected us. They don't feel like we do or at least the smiles they present to the world come across as they came out on top. No one wins in this game, but the court system, lawyers and therapists. Celebrating is a small symbolic victory that I rid myself of the negativity and drama, but it would feel cheap. It's more of a refectory time, bittersweet to be out of such venom, anger and hate, but remembering good times too. I'll hold my head high, but also be honest to myself, I'm not jumping in the streets to celebrate look at me I got rid of that's something if we are introspective will always be a part of us. It's more fanfare, shallow and soap opera drama to celebrate. I won't be like them and take my past marriage so lightly. Not going to celebrate the extreme pain emotionally, financially and dissolution of a sacred institution.

[This message edited by Caretaker1 at 6:00 AM, April 9th (Wednesday)]

hexed posted 4/9/2014 08:02 AM

This is such a delicate topic. Its hard for an outsider to know the right response.

There have been times when I did celebrate my escape from all of it. There were other times I mourned the less to the very deepest parts of my soul. Sometimes I felt awkward when people were expressing sympathy as a means of support and the only people I wanted to be around were the ones who wanted to celebrate my new found independence. There were other times I needed the ones who could let me cry my eyes out.

Your friend's timing might be off but I doubt that their intentions were meant to belittle what you are going through or your commitment to M. Your friend my be in dealing with her own relationship issues past or present. After a while, I got tired of the sympathy in people's eyes when I said that I was getting a divorce. Celebrate would have been a welcomed response

This whole thing is a very long journey and you may feel many different things along the way. Celebration may actualy be one of them. I had a long period when I felt victorious.

WeepingBuddhist posted 4/9/2014 08:29 AM


I'm going to ask that you cut your friend some slack. When someone would say s/he was "sorry" I would say, "I'm not, it's the right thing". I am still mourning my marriage but I am celebrating the fact that I have a present and future that do not include a lying, cheating bastard. IMHO, infidelity is pretty effing heinous. This friend is just happy you are going to move on without someone who hurt you.

stronger08 posted 4/9/2014 09:14 AM

For some folks the D process itself is such a tedious and draining process that celebration is what's called for. To be finally free from the so called "chains of love" can be quite exhilarating for some. And I for one can understand it. But in my case, while my D was not pretty and some rather unflattering lies and accusations were thrown at me I did not find cause to celebrate. Mine was a long drawn out process with my XWW trying to get her pound of flesh from me. I assume it was misdirected anger that caused this to happen. Her little fantasy life had imploded big time and someone needed to be blamed. And as usual that someone was me the BS.

I remember the day we finally agreed upon a settlement. It was like the weight of the world was lifted off my shoulders. But it would not be official until a judge signed off on it. That process took almost 9 months as it was sent back once because the judge did not like the verbiage used pertaining to child support. It was really nothing but he wanted the wording changed as he felt it was in the child's best interest. Cant blame a man for watching out for the children and being I filed in NYC this judge must have had thousands of decrees to look over. It actually was refreshing to know that he even read it in the first place. But it set back my D date months. I remember saying to myself during the waiting time that I was going to go out and celebrate big time. But the day the parcel came with the decree I happened to be home. My younger sister who was probably my only true supporter during the dark times was with me. It came in a plain manila envelope and was pretty thick. I did not notice that it was sent by my attorneys office and just ripped it open. I read the cover letter informing that I was officially D from a date that was about 45 days prior.

My sister asked what I was reading and I told her that it was my final D decree, that I am now a free man. She was ecstatic as she hated my XWW and was jumping up and down saying she was so happy for me. As we had some place to go I just tossed it on my bed and we left. That night when her H came home from work they wanted to go out and celebrate my freedom. But I wasn't in the mood and declined. I wasn't sad and I wasn't happy. I felt relief that I could no start my life over but it gave me no cause to celebrate. I went home and walked my dog, got ready for bed and just went to sleep. I guess after all that time I already made peace with what happened. It was like any other day for me. This infidelity shit has a way of playing with your emotions. Some are happy and have a need to party, others become sad and stay home and cry their eyes out, while others like me just felt nothing. It was just a means to a sad end, a sad ending that was a long time coming and never should have went down like it did.

[This message edited by stronger08 at 9:16 AM, April 9th (Wednesday)]

StillLivin posted 4/10/2014 23:10 PM

I must apologize for not responding sooner.
Thank you, EVERYBODY.
I totally get some wanting to celebrate because of the extent of the abuse.
My STBX has done some and said some nasty stuff to me, but I don't hate him anymore. I think because I went NC relatively early on after he walked out that it allowed me to process and heal more genuinely than if I had stayed in the vicious cycle he was trying to keep going.
It is a death to me. Afterwards, in a month or so after the D, I will go somewhere and have a mini vacation and then celebrate healing and starting a new journey. Just not immediately.
FTR, the friend that I was referring to has been D'd three times. I know she meant well, but it was her typical insensitivity.
I'm so glad I found you guys! I can vent, just vent and know I am heard and understood. I don't even need advice on issues most times, but just to have someone hear me, and knowing others have been where I am helps so much.

newlysingle posted 4/11/2014 00:27 AM

I think this is one of those things that everyone handles differently. I think the people tend to think of it as something to celebrate as that is what society generally portrays.

In my case, I was happy the day my D was final. I just wanted all of the financial/custody stuff finalized so he couldn't easily make changes. However, I went through a very tough period of grieving the loss a couple of months later.

Everyone grieves at different rates. Some are well over the majority of it by the time it happens, some are in the midst. It really just depends.

I'm sorry that your friend hurt you, but I know she didn't mean to. Take your time and deal with your D the way that you need to.

Rainbows posted 4/11/2014 01:07 AM

When I first filed and told a few close friends and family, they all wanted to celebrate. One friend even started planning a party.

I understand that from the outside looking in, they saw it as a move in the right direction for me. It was still hurtful because I was also grieving the loss of my M along with all of the hopes and dreams that went along with it.

I feel that the M was it's own separate entity from us and I still get really sad about losing it sometimes.

My S&D process has been so grueling, that I will most likely be singing from on top of a mountain when it's done.

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