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Why do OW feel they can make WS control us?

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CATransplant posted 4/8/2014 15:57 PM

I just went off on OW as to trying to control me through WH. She called to make him control my responses to their A. Why does she feel she has such control? Any help would be greatly appreciated! I am trying to R with FWH and she feels the need to intrude? Where does she stop? How long does she hold not? I am so confused and upset by her manipulations. She had him. When I found out she lost him! Now she will not leave him alone. What gives?

Morhurt posted 4/8/2014 16:00 PM

I'm confused. Why isn't there NC? He should not be talking to her. Period.

notquiteoverit posted 4/8/2014 16:08 PM

I think your WH needs to send her a no contact letter immediately, and also block her from his phone, email and any other method of contacting him. In the no contact letter that he sends, there could be a warning that any further attempts to contact either of you will result in harrassment charges against her.

Oh, and I don't think she feels she has control. She is losing control, and that is why she is doing this. Now, it is up to your WH to put a stop to this and get her out of your lives.

TheBestMe posted 4/9/2014 09:09 AM

Hi and hugs.

I just went off on OW

I recently HAD to break NC. My H has been NC since last year. But now and again "it" rears its ugly head and has to be put down. Most recently it began calling his cell phones again. He'd hang up and it would continue. Finally, it sent my H a text message stating that it was mad that H hangs up. I had no intention of ever involving myself, but did what I had to do.

She called to make him control my responses to their A

CAT, you do what is needed to protect yourself and your M. Keep in mind what you choose should be legal This looks like a bit of posturing on her part.

Question; did she leave a voice mail or did they have a conversation? My H inadvertently picked up his work cell without looking at caller id. The AP took that as a signal that he was interested in communicating. When he hung up she went Ape S--T and I had to handle things.

I am trying to R with FWH and she feels the need to intrude?

My H and I are trying to R our M. Successful R requires that you and your H be on the same page. In our situation, R becomes D if he willingly breaks NC. The AP can only intrude if he opens the door.

Where does she stop? How long does she hold not?

Some AP are out to win. "It" in my M has staying power. She is like a zicada bug. She goes underground and then comes out; when she thinks his guard is down.

What gives

I looked to my H to make me safe. NC is non-negotiable.

Hope my words help.

myeverafter posted 4/9/2014 10:02 AM

I don't know if this makes sense. Maybe the OW believes that WS wouldn't have had the affair if we "controlled" the WS to begin with?

I haven't heard from OW since I sent 1 text to her in Aug. But we (both fWH and I) have "heard" from her BS repeatedly. Now it is once a month or so... OBS emailed fWH and texted me. fWH finally deleted his email account. I haven't had a text now from OBS since January.

The repeated contact (we never responded)really made me want to email/text OW and tell her to freaking CONTROL her husband and she needs to deal with him. (I know at first she really wanted to rug sweep, but I don't know how things are sitting now.) But I never did...

myeverafter posted 4/9/2014 10:02 AM

OBS also tried contacting me as in a way to get to fWH too. OBS was trying to manipulate me. I put a stop to that.

confused615 posted 4/9/2014 10:35 AM

Your WH allowed her to intrude. First, he should have her blocked. If that's not possible, then as soon as she started talking he should have hung up on her. You should have no idea why she called..because what *should have* happened is she called, he heard her voice, hung up, and immediately called you.."Hon, OW just called. I hung up as soon as she started talking."

Why did he listen to her?

By listening to her..even if he didn't say one single word...he gave her what she wanted..his attention.

Screw that.

He needs to block her. And he needs to work harder on his boundaries.

If she has a BH then call him and let him know about broken contact.

You need to stay NC..and so does your WH. Walk away from the crazy.

tryin2havefaith posted 4/9/2014 10:56 AM

My FWH willingly changed his cell number, email, and deactivated his FB account. Gave me passwords to everything.

Once NC was in place, he knew that ANY contact with the OW from that day forward would be a non-negotiable deal-breaker for us. I did put a keylogger on our computer and for a long time did check phone records. I even had put gps on his phone so I could see where he was. Never once did he cross that boundary after NC was established.

Do NOT feed into their crazy. Change whatever numbers/emails/contact info/etc that you can. Have OW's attempts be met with *crickets* (we need a cricket icon!! LOL). They are attention seekers. ANY attention will keep them hooked. If a NC has not been put in place, do so immediately. Like another said, be sure to put that further attempts will be met with legal action. In some places, if you respond with 'inappropriate' language, they may try to file a suit against you. If you say nothing, then they have nothing. Eventually they will move on because they are not getting the attention they seek.

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