gutfeeling
We’ve had the discussion about reluctance with our MC several times. It wasn’t just that he had the ring for 6 months prior to giving it to me. More, it was about the reluctance to even discuss marriage. Early in our relationship he stated that he believed the entire institution to be archaic. When he finally seemed open to the institution, he was waiting for me to become his partner. As I stated before, I can see now what he was waiting for, and how I did not provide that safety for him. I am doing the work to change myself in some very fundamental ways so that I can be safe, a true partner, and a whole person. Truthfully it is a testament to his healthier state of being that he was reluctant to become attached to such a broken person as me. I have had a very toxic relationship with my FOO, and that was a major issue that needed resolution. Currently I am not in communication with any of them with any sort of regularity, and am working to keep any unavoidable contact limited.
Respectfully, I don’t agree that discussing the urge to throw out the rings is a form of theatrics. If you reread what I wrote, I was careful to say it’s something I am thinking about. That, for me is the point of writing a post. It’s on my mind. Things are often clearer after the clouded and murky thoughts are written out. KWIM? Throwing out the ring in MC was. I own that, but it was done not to make a statement. It was an emotionally charged poor attempt at acknowledging what he was saying. I am not making any decisions about what to do with any of the rings at the moment. I have them put away safely, and will continue to hold onto them until I am able to make a clear decision with my BH about what to do with them.
Alyssa
I’m in the same boat. I would love him to wear a ring again someday, but am applying no pressure to do so. Even the thought of asking seems unfair to do in some respects.
Knightsbff
When my Bh first told me why he took his ring off, I had the same thought as Knight. Almost verbatim I thought, “But I’m the one who broke our vows.” It’s interesting trying to walk the line between sharing or not depending on the issue, my response etc.
BrokenButTrying
That’s essentially what I’ve done. My BH actually put his ring in my jewelry box. I have moved it, but it is still safe.
Still-living
I did buy him a new ring. But he made it clear he does not want it. He literally stated that he will not ever wear another ring from me again. I am, by no means trying to deny him his feelings. I was careful to state that I absolutely understand why he feels as he does. Reread what I wrote. I think you’ll see it. I could not respond because of the pre-A relationship issues, and I know that we are not yet at a point where we can deal with the relationship pre-A. But sometimes I still need to process those feelings. I wasn’t looking for an immediate resolution of the issue, per se. Instead I am wondering what other people have done, how has it changed over time. I’ve read posts where BSes have smashed their rings, thrown them in the river, whatever. If my BH decided to do any of those things I would absolutely suck it up and deal with it. And that’s what I’m ultimately asking. Is this something that will never change for him and I just have to live with it, or is there a chance things will change?
Lilacs40
Thank you for responding. I was wondering if yours was a common position on the whole issue. And, it appears it may be.
Badhurt
I can see that you in a lot of pain. I’m sorry that my post triggered you. I am not complaining in this post, and do not wish to do so. If you read it that way, you are mistaken. My intent was to express my sorrow at creating this cesspool that my BH and I are now swimming in. He is the most intelligent, caring, brave, kind, gentle, hardworking, and interesting person I know. My BH has always been my biggest champion, and greatest support. There was a time when I was blind to that. I am a broken person who has made many mistakes, and many more bad choices, in my life. My BH inspires me to want to be whole. He inspires me to want to be well, to rid my life of toxic people and relationships. Regardless of how you judge my situation, that is my truth, and it is what I am working to make possible.
Heartache101
Thank you for your encouragement. I think what you’ve written about your perspective is very similar to what my BH was getting at. He felt as though the ring I gave him meant nothing, and I think he is afraid any other ring I gift him will equally mean nothing. That is something I completely understand intellectually. Emotionally it still hurts, but I’m dealing. We are not religious, or even spiritual, individually or as a couple. But I do like the symbolism of having the rings blessed by someone. I might just look into it if we do ever go through a recommitment ceremony.
Actionsoverwords
I get where you are coming from. We are still legally married. I am working my behind off to try and become safe for R. We are not yet there, but it isn’t off the table. My BH is incredible, and I want people to know I am his. Maybe even more so now, after everything, than ever before.
SadieMae
Thank you for sharing. I did not realize that sapphires stood for loyalty. My ring also has a sapphire in it, which is appropriate if you apply the meaning of loyalty to my BH. He was, and still is. I should have been.
[This message edited by Wayflost at 4:33 PM, April 9th (Wednesday)]