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Newest Member: jaxonraine (61774)

User Topic: Am I his Second Choice?
♀ 42959
Member # 42959
Default  Posted: 5:57 PM, April 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I asked this question in the "Just Found Out" forum (I'm about 7 weeks from Dday) but thought I might try here as well. My SO had a LTA with his ex-girlfriend. It was PA and EA, and they discussed leaving their respective partners for each other. After I discovered the affair (by snooping through emails) and confronted my SO, he decided he wanted to reconcile and went NC with the OW immediately.

However, I'm plagued by thoughts that I'm really his "second choice", and that he's really here because it was less complicated than the alternative (the OW is married with two children). I'm leaning towards ending the relationship (for many reasons I won't go into here, but did in my original post) but this is one of them. I'd be interested in knowing if others in similar situations who decided on R had these thoughts, and how they managed them. Any advice?

Posts: 111 | Registered: Mar 2014
♀ 42970
Member # 42970
Default  Posted: 6:39 PM, April 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For a while, I did feel like I was his second choice. I felt like he was "stuck" with me since we were married.

It's only been in the last couple of months since I came to realize that I'm a kick a** choice. He'd be an idiot not to do everything in his power to be with me.

Don't get me wrong. I'm no size 2 teenie bopper super model by a long shot. I have some meat on my bones and some age under my belt, but I'm no dog. I'm a good person. I worked hard and did well for myself financially. I am not a reckless spender. I am faithful and loyal. My house isn't spotless, but I do keep a clean home.

I have a lot to offer a relationship. I'm not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but I do not have to be perfect to have value.

WH made a huge mistake when he forgot my worth. I made a bigger one by forgetting it for a little while too. It's taken me a lot of IC to help me remember how much I bring to the table and that he is lucky to have me.

BW (me): 43 WH (him): 51
3 adult kids (his, mine, and ours)
D-day: 10/4/13. Married 21 years. Numerous A's spanning 19 years and a 11 year PA with my sister. A went underground for a year after D-day. Polygraph on 1/11/17. He passed.

Posts: 6668 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: United States
♀ 43014
Member # 43014
Default  Posted: 6:42 PM, April 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think about this everyday! I am 3 months out from DDay and cannot control these thoughts. He swears that it would have never become physical (she lives 10 hours away from EA) and that there's no way he would have ever left me for her. But I wonder too if it would be easier for them both (she is married with 2 kids) and she lived closer how things would have turned out for us??? Kinda makes me wonder if I'm doing the right thing by staying with him because there is no way to know his intentions if circumstances were different. I just don't know......

I'm sorry you're going through this sucks so bad

Me: BS
Him: WH
Married 6 years, together 9
DDay 1: 1/11/2014- internet/phone EA
DDay 2: 5/18/2017
Status:...............not sure

Posts: 61 | Registered: Apr 2014
Topic Posts: 3

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