I'm still relatively new myself so I don't have a lot of great advice, but keep posting. Read the articles in the Healing Library. Many others will come with more advice.
(((hugs)))
You can see more of my story on my blog here: http://thatcraftylunchlady.com/?p=833
"Never give up hope and let time heal you"
It's painful we all know. You do realize that nothing you do will change him. That is on him. If he chooses to not to, then change yourself.
You deserve to be loved and respected like every other BS in the world. You have been dealing with this for a long time. Time to find your happy.
((((and strength)))
I am always pro reconciliation whenever possible but how many chances are you going to give him. He obviously feels that you will put up with whatever he does. Please be strong now, you deserve more. I appreciate that you have commitments together, but he should also have a commitment to you and he does not seem to be honouring that.
You have to get tough with him, if you are not ready to ask him to leave, that's ok, but you need to let him know that you will make him leave if he doesn't get his act together.
If you don't take a tough stance now, you will be back in the same place again in a few months. You deserve better.
Stay strong. ((((Hugs))))
D-Day, June 10, 2012
Walk away. Seriously. And this time, stay away. He doesn't get it. He never did. I doubt he ever will. His disrespect of you is going to continue but worse, you will lose your self-respect if you keep allowing him to do this. Sometimes, people just don't learn from their mistakes. Sometimes, people don't even try to learn from them. He sounds like he isn't even trying.
It's clear that your partner has no respect for you or your children, he only cares about himself.
There is only one "dumb-ass" here and it definitely isn't you. You "can't take anymore" because he is a selfish dumb-ass and serial cheater who doesn't really care what happens to his partner and children.
Please, take care of yourself and your kids. Look up the 180 in the Healing Library, keep posting.
You deserve so much better.
My counselor pointed out that I have never stopped to look at how these infidelities have made me feel... I've always been more concerned to figure out his hurt and find why he is so broken that he would do this. I've made excuse after excuse. I have tried to look at how it has made me feel. It all started in 2011 when I first found out. I now realize this is probably something that has been going on since day 1. It's been hard to look to myself and feel the way it has affected me. When I stop to think, the pain is horrendous. I feel like I've lost years, I feel betrayed, I feel sad, I feel ugly, I feel angry... There's so much. My counselor was right, I've swept things under the rug to survive. I can tell I'm growing stronger... I'm not ready to jump yet but his charm is fading. It would be easier if I hated him but I don't.
It.can't be.done. We can't fix anyone,ever. And, it is pointless, and a significant waste of time and emotions to "support" someone who chooses not to be faithful. They have to want to be faithful before there is any hope of being faithful. YOU can't make him want that.
The ssimple truth is that you value fidelity and he does not.
Turn the spotlight on yourself, figure out why you've stayed hooked into a R with someone who wastes your goodness. Figure that out about you and then determine what you want to do about it and how you're going to go about doing something about it (or don't and things remain the same, at best, and most likely worse as you lose respect, and then love, for him).
You are hooked because of children and social circumstances, and that is understandable. Reputation, etc. is also understandable. Most everyone gets that. But, the emotional piece? That's were your hook lies and it is the real cause of your paralysis.
Step, by step, you have the ability to unravel your dysfunction and build the life you want for yourself, and your family.
Sometimes you just have to do the healthy thing and extricate yourself from a completely toxic situation.
This would be one of those situations.
Find your strength, Alex. Move on and make a better life for yourself. It's out there.
I'm not ready to jump yet but his charm is fading. It would be easier if I hated him but I don't.
This is not a reason to stay. Plenty of BSs leave a spouse they still love when it's not emotionally safe or healthy to be with the person s/he loves. That's why you need to leave. Don't wait to fall out of love because it might never happen.
Kids? Sure, that's a reason to stay with a remorseful partner. But to stay with someone still cheating? Sorry, that's not good for the kids either.
I get that it's hard, and I'm giving advice that I never had to take in my marriage. But I did get out of a relationship with a man I loved very much many years ago because he continually cheated on me. And it destroyed my self-esteem. I felt like nothing because I stayed so long with someone who treated me like nothing.
You've done nothing wrong and you deserve better.
So sorry you are going through this.
Love isn't enough. Love is never enough. Love is grand, but when the love you feel for another person is used to betray you, beat you down, and hobble you, then that love is self-abuse. Its abuse that you allow to happen to yourself. If love was enough, then there might be about 25 of us here.
Love yourself enough to walk away. With tears in your eyes, with a heavy heart, but walk away. If you don't love yourself enough to keep yourself safe and sane, then no one else certainly will. (((hugs)))
