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AlexFL posted 4/8/2014 18:18 PM

I have been dealing with multiple situations with my partner of many many years. It seemed to start about 5 years ago but now I'm pretty sure I just lived with blinders on. I'll keep it short...caught him cheating- he humiliated me in front of the other person -somehow forgave him, caught him cheating again with a look-a-like of the person he cheated on me with-- after several months forgave him.... Caught him cheating with another person and not using protection. After several months forgave him....and now found out he has been texting the person he initially cheated on me with. The texts are vague and nothing too bad except one that was kinda a "thinking if you and wanted to say hi". This person along with him had made my last several years hell and he can't understand why I'm upset. He said he hasn't texted anything is ashamed of but he kept it secret because he knew I would be upset. I'm an idiot. I have been so distraught cause we were having an amazing couple months and I thought maybe finally we can get over this. We have kids and are tied to one another in many ways. As I type this I realize I'm a total dumbass and I can't take anymore. I set up more counseling cause I just can't handle this roller coaster. There's something wrong with him -NOT ME.

LeftOutintheCold posted 4/8/2014 18:24 PM

(((AlexFL) You are right - there is NOTHING wrong with you!!!! The other person is broken in some sense to think that it's okay to treat a person they supposedly love like they way you've been treated. You've come to a great place for support, although it really sucks we have to be here.

I'm still relatively new myself so I don't have a lot of great advice, but keep posting. Read the articles in the Healing Library. Many others will come with more advice.


tushnurse posted 4/9/2014 07:23 AM


It's painful we all know. You do realize that nothing you do will change him. That is on him. If he chooses to not to, then change yourself.

You deserve to be loved and respected like every other BS in the world. You have been dealing with this for a long time. Time to find your happy.

((((and strength)))

Gemstone posted 4/9/2014 07:53 AM

This isn't right Alex, he is not being loyal to you, and he should. He is not showing you any respect and he should.

I am always pro reconciliation whenever possible but how many chances are you going to give him. He obviously feels that you will put up with whatever he does. Please be strong now, you deserve more.
I appreciate that you have commitments together, but he should also have a commitment to you and he does not seem to be honouring that.

You have to get tough with him, if you are not ready to ask him to leave, that's ok, but you need to let him know that you will make him leave if he doesn't get his act together.

If you don't take a tough stance now, you will be back in the same place again in a few months. You deserve better.

Stay strong. ((((Hugs))))

Skan posted 4/9/2014 13:52 PM

With all compassion Alex, how many more years of yours, are you going to let him waste? You are letting him take precious time and energy away from you, and you will never, never get that time, that energy back. Please think about this. This is the one life you get you won't get another one. How much of your life are you willing for him to steal from you? (((hugs)))

Tearsoflove posted 4/9/2014 14:00 PM


Walk away. Seriously. And this time, stay away. He doesn't get it. He never did. I doubt he ever will. His disrespect of you is going to continue but worse, you will lose your self-respect if you keep allowing him to do this. Sometimes, people just don't learn from their mistakes. Sometimes, people don't even try to learn from them. He sounds like he isn't even trying.

ncharge posted 4/9/2014 14:47 PM

Don't waste any more of your life on such a broken person. These are the actions of someone who doesn't love or respect you. And you deserve so much more. You actually managed to forgive him mulitple times. I admire that!

down_not_out5 posted 4/9/2014 15:28 PM

I'm so sorry for what you've been going through.

It's clear that your partner has no respect for you or your children, he only cares about himself.

There is only one "dumb-ass" here and it definitely isn't you. You "can't take anymore" because he is a selfish dumb-ass and serial cheater who doesn't really care what happens to his partner and children.

Please, take care of yourself and your kids. Look up the 180 in the Healing Library, keep posting.

You deserve so much better.

AlexFL posted 4/18/2014 15:41 PM

I am in counseling and one thing that was brought to my attention which is so simple but I never noticed... I share this with you all because maybe it is true for some of you as well...

My counselor pointed out that I have never stopped to look at how these infidelities have made me feel... I've always been more concerned to figure out his hurt and find why he is so broken that he would do this. I've made excuse after excuse. I have tried to look at how it has made me feel. It all started in 2011 when I first found out. I now realize this is probably something that has been going on since day 1. It's been hard to look to myself and feel the way it has affected me. When I stop to think, the pain is horrendous. I feel like I've lost years, I feel betrayed, I feel sad, I feel ugly, I feel angry... There's so much. My counselor was right, I've swept things under the rug to survive. I can tell I'm growing stronger... I'm not ready to jump yet but his charm is fading. It would be easier if I hated him but I don't.

alphakitte posted 4/18/2014 16:21 PM

I totally understand when you say you have never looked at how his infidelities made you feel. If you are like me, in time, you will come to understand that part of the reason you focused on him, and his brokenness is because you wanted to fix him and make the relationship what you want it to be.

It.can't be.done. We can't fix anyone,ever. And, it is pointless, and a significant waste of time and emotions to "support" someone who chooses not to be faithful. They have to want to be faithful before there is any hope of being faithful. YOU can't make him want that.

The ssimple truth is that you value fidelity and he does not.

Turn the spotlight on yourself, figure out why you've stayed hooked into a R with someone who wastes your goodness. Figure that out about you and then determine what you want to do about it and how you're going to go about doing something about it (or don't and things remain the same, at best, and most likely worse as you lose respect, and then love, for him).

You are hooked because of children and social circumstances, and that is understandable. Reputation, etc. is also understandable. Most everyone gets that. But, the emotional piece? That's were your hook lies and it is the real cause of your paralysis.

Step, by step, you have the ability to unravel your dysfunction and build the life you want for yourself, and your family.

NeverAgain2013 posted 4/19/2014 05:56 AM

I completely agree with TearsofLove.

Sometimes you just have to do the healthy thing and extricate yourself from a completely toxic situation.

This would be one of those situations.

Find your strength, Alex. Move on and make a better life for yourself. It's out there.

sudra posted 4/19/2014 06:16 AM

I'm not ready to jump yet but his charm is fading. It would be easier if I hated him but I don't.

This is not a reason to stay. Plenty of BSs leave a spouse they still love when it's not emotionally safe or healthy to be with the person s/he loves. That's why you need to leave. Don't wait to fall out of love because it might never happen.

Kids? Sure, that's a reason to stay with a remorseful partner. But to stay with someone still cheating? Sorry, that's not good for the kids either.

I get that it's hard, and I'm giving advice that I never had to take in my marriage. But I did get out of a relationship with a man I loved very much many years ago because he continually cheated on me. And it destroyed my self-esteem. I felt like nothing because I stayed so long with someone who treated me like nothing.

You've done nothing wrong and you deserve better.

So sorry you are going through this.

Skan posted 4/19/2014 16:24 PM

Alex, I loved and loved my FWH with all of my heart. He has been my sanity and my lifeline through some rather gruesome stuff in my life. Loving him, I went to see a divorce lawyer and got the paperwork together for a legal separation, that I fully intended to follow up with a divorce.

Love isn't enough. Love is never enough. Love is grand, but when the love you feel for another person is used to betray you, beat you down, and hobble you, then that love is self-abuse. Its abuse that you allow to happen to yourself. If love was enough, then there might be about 25 of us here.

Love yourself enough to walk away. With tears in your eyes, with a heavy heart, but walk away. If you don't love yourself enough to keep yourself safe and sane, then no one else certainly will. (((hugs)))

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