Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-

SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: NeedSomeAdvice (45762)

User Topic: Triggers - reflection - anger - revenge
morethantrying
♀ 40547
Member # 40547
Default  Posted: 6:30 PM, April 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

even after one year I still did not fully understand WHY it is so hard for me to share triggers with him...why his comforting does not really help now and why sharing even makes me feel worse. This is what I struggle with...a bit of why:

1. Talking about them with him I KNOW it makes him feel bad...so I wonder "how can I do this to someone I claim to love?"

2. By sharing it with him, and KNOWING that it will hurt him somehow FEELS revengeful and that is not the kind of person I like to think that I am...a person who would intentionally like to take revenge on someone I REALLY DO LOVE...that is to make some one INTENTIONALLY feel BAD (because I know by sharing he WILL feel bad) and that makes me a horrible person in my OWN eyes...I am not being true to who I am by sharing triggers feelings with this kind of intention...that is not the only feeling but I would be remiss not to know myself that seeing him in pain did not give me some (although fleeting) satisfaction...

am I really this awful? I feel so ashamed of myself to realize I would take some little pleasure at the revenge of seeing him in pain (yes he started it all) because behind it all I am still angry and haven't completely forgiven.

I am not sharing with the RIGHT spirit...and that FEELS awful to me...I am "secretly" sharing my triggers in this way...at least to some extent I think this is true...I SAY I am sharing to be close to him but if I dig deep part of me is taking revenge to a person I love...and my values say that a person who loves someone does NOT intentionally try to cause pain...but perhaps I...because I am angry at the hurt he caused me and I am taking revenge...and that is NOT LOVING BEHAVIOR and so I am NOT being true to who I want to be and I am ashamed of myself.

I feel awful all the time...I am not being true to who I am,who I want to be, it is NOT LOVING to share in this way and the fact that I feel worse when I share triggers is perhaps a sign post that I am not sharing with the proper intentions but rather with intention to "hurt" as he hurt me...at least in a little bit...but that little bit is way more than enough to make me feel worse becasue I am not being loving and that is who I want to be DESPITE what he did to me and I am disappointed in myself that I am not a better,more loving person to be able to share with the better perspective of getting closer rather than "getting him"...so I feel WORSE when I share...this is one possible explanation.

Am I over analyzing? Not sure...but I think this is true at least to some extent...I feel awful.....how can I claim to be loving when I don't live up to my own true values of love...in that case I guess ....i don't know

3. Why am I taking revenge? I am angry. It feels awful to feel SO angry against someone I love to the extent that I want to take revenge and see them suffer...just writing it here I am still not sure but I think at least a bit this is really true...I am after all human and sometimes those human feeling, even against the one you love,are so HATEFUL...I hate that he did something that made me feel that I HATE someone I love to the extent I get some satisfactions in sharing triggers as a way to get revenge to vent that anger...


This is why I don't want to share the triggers with him, because it feels like revenge, anger to someone I love and why would I want to do this to someone I love? That is not true to who I am and I feel very ashamed...I feel ashamed for these emotions I have to someone I love..this is what is so hard.
Wow is this all true? I think it is to an extent and it makes me feel ashamed and awful...

So if I can't share with the better intention of getting close rather than the little secret of some bit of revenge because I am still angry then I only feel worse, than perhaps I should not share with him...perhaps it is better to share with therapist...?

Should I share with therapist then?

[This message edited by morethantrying at 6:42 PM, April 8th (Tuesday)]


Affairs - hard on us both - but love will win.
Me: BS 55
Him: WS 62
Married 32 yrs.
dday TT from 12/2012-2/2013)...

Posts: 311 | Registered: Sep 2013
StillGoing
♂ 28571
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 9:38 PM, April 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A therapist may help, sure.

It may also help to tell him how you are feeling here. Sharing the triggers to get the support helps, but the anger and wanting to see him hurt are part of those feelings. I can only speculate but maybe you want to see him hurt because it's an obvious sign that he recognizes what he did was wrong?

You obviously don't want to feel this way, but stuffing that shit down never fixes things. There are definitely better approaches to dealing with those feelings.

Hope you feel better soon.


"You have insulted my footwear."

Posts: 7583 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
morethantrying
♀ 40547
Member # 40547
Default  Posted: 10:03 PM, April 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


The thing is he HAS done this many times -- said to me, but not specifically said "I and I alone am responsible for my acitons" in those words or specifically that clearly thought he has said similar but that was a while ago...why do I need to hear this again? I guess I want to be let off the hook for feeling responsible for his actions...I know I don't really,

Why do I feel the need to pin him down on this --

OK need help here...I may need to hear this from him again (though I KNOW how he will very much step up and say it and since I know this I feel the revenge thing again and then feel guilty again)

So, words: help me with wording. How can I ask for this support without nailing him to the wall about it. How can I ask that he say words to me that he takes full responsibility without feeling revengeful or guilty for asking this? Does it help to SAY to him I also Feel revengeful and guilty?

I hate having these feelings for someone I really love.....


Affairs - hard on us both - but love will win.
Me: BS 55
Him: WS 62
Married 32 yrs.
dday TT from 12/2012-2/2013)...

Posts: 311 | Registered: Sep 2013
bluelightshine
♀ 37539
Member # 37539
Default  Posted: 11:54 PM, April 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I remember feeling so similar to what you have posted. I felt that when I voiced my anger I was hurting someone who was already down. I was now causing him pain. I did have feelings of revenge and wanting him to feel what I felt. I also felt like a horrible person to feel these things.

He hurt me, I felt the worst pain of my life. I was angry. VERY ANGRY. I couldn't make the feelings go away, I couldn't stop feeling it. Then I realized that if I didn't voice my anger I would get resentful and my hateful feelings would start to turn to real hate.

Like you I have my values. I have values of how I am to conduct myself and what I believed love was. I wanted to be a good person. A person who could overcome this with grace. Heal myself and heal him. Wasn't going to happen.

Those same values believed that what he had done was wrong. So wrong that a ,I'm sorry, even if sincere was not going to fix it. I needed restitution. My values would accept no less. Lucky for him all that meant was that I needed him to see and feel my pain. Was that really revenge?

Yes I knew my feelings would hurt him. Yes I knew it was hard for him. I hurt for him. His pain, his distress. BUT THIS WAS ABOUT ME. I hurt, I was distressed I WAS FREAKING TRAUMATIZED!!!! He did this. Not me.

So I accepted my feelings all of them, the good the bad and even the ugly ones. I told him everything I felt. I was human after all. I vented, I screamed, I cried. I acted crazy and always tried to balance what I felt so I didn't cross any lines.(I did push him a couple of times and called him a name once or twice. )I never had done that before. I felt abusive and horrible but I needed most of all to trust him with my pain.

That was my problem I wasn't quite sure I trusted him to take care of my pain, so showing it was hard. I didn't want to be human and I didn't want him to see my crazy. The insane feelings that horrified me. I could feel this? I must be horrible. No not horrible just human.

Talking about them with him I KNOW it makes him feel bad...so I wonder "how can I do this to someone I claim to love?"

You are not making him feel bad. This is his chance to show his remorse and help you heal. It is his opportunity to help put things right. It is also you being vulnerable and giving him some trust to take care of you.

By sharing it with him, and KNOWING that it will hurt him somehow FEELS revengeful and that is not the kind of person I like to think that I am..

You are obviously a very caring person. A wonderful person who does her very best to love with all her heart and wants to do things the right way. Gently now, you cant help the way you feel. Maybe its not revenge you want just a balancing. What you need is to process your feelings and accept that feeling bad things does not make you a bad person. Your feelings are normal and a reasonable response to be wronged in the manner you have.

This is why I don't want to share the triggers with him, because it feels like revenge, anger to someone I love and why would I want to do this to someone I love? That is not true to who I am and I feel very ashamed...I feel ashamed for these emotions I have to someone I love..this is what is so hard.

Please don't be ashamed. Its not your fault any of it. I don't think you are betraying yourself here just discovering new aspects of yourself. You care about how he feels but of course your anger does not. You feel conflicting feelings at the same time. Then your feelings go to war. I think what you need is for him to see and understand what you feel, what he did to you. You need to show him. It will hurt him yes, it is also hurting you. You need to be heard and feel that you are heard. For me the more revengeful feelings died out when he heard me. I think you should also feel some compassion for yourself here and let him take some of this burden off your shoulders.

The worst mistake I've ever made was not allowing my self to feel my negative feelings cause I was worried what type of person it made me. I was rejecting myself. I didn't even know it. I just needed to work through these feelings not fight them. I needed to accept this is how I felt.
I feel so much more whole now.

I'm a real person with all my feelings and it is great!!!!!!!!

I judge myself now on how I process my feelings and I give myself room to make mistakes on learning. I give him room to make mistakes and we work together on how to fix both of us and the gamut of feelings we both feel. I'm honest about what I feel and talk it through. I don't vent as much as I used too. Make no mistake though at least for me it has to come out. I need to be HEARD.

Tell him what you need. Work with him on what he needs. Be honest. If he doesn't respond or tries to use your feelings against you, well than you know you deserve better.

I can tell from your post you are an awesome person, who cares about doing what is right. Remember this and hold him to the same standard you set your self. Because you deserve it.

So, words: help me with wording. How can I ask for this support without nailing him to the wall about it. How can I ask that he say words to me that he takes full responsibility without feeling revengeful or guilty for asking this? Does it help to SAY to him I also Feel revengeful and guilty?

I hate having these feelings for someone I really love.....

Tell him everything you feel. Tell him you need to hear that its not your fault.(Because it isn't) That you need to hear and see that he is taking 100% of the responsibility for his actions. That your feeling resentment and anger still and are trying to work through them. You can say revengeful if you want but I bet if you look closer there is a lot more to it than just that. At least there was for me.

This is all in IMHO and I hope it helps.


BS(Me) 32
SAWH (Beaker) 35
Married 11 Years
Dday Oct 06 2012
Dday 2 February 19 2014
Confessed to getting blow jobs from
prostitutes in 2006 and while living with OW
PA/EA 1 year
In r
2 children under 10
Working on faith everyday.



Posts: 47 | Registered: Nov 2012
morethantrying
♀ 40547
Member # 40547
Default  Posted: 3:37 AM, April 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you both!!!!!!

It is nice to have some great validation of my feelings here...thank you bluelightshine....I also realize that these fleeting feelings are not ME, they are just fleeting feelings and will pass...I AM A LOVING person...but human...one that has fleeting, angry feelings!


Affairs - hard on us both - but love will win.
Me: BS 55
Him: WS 62
Married 32 yrs.
dday TT from 12/2012-2/2013)...

Posts: 311 | Registered: Sep 2013
RipsInMyChest
♀ 41166
Member # 41166
Default  Posted: 9:28 AM, April 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I struggle with this too! I look at it, not as punishment for my H, but opportunity. Opportunity for him to make me feel safe, to validate my feelings and to help me through them. I share because he is my life partner and he caused these feelings and I shouldn't have to process them alone. He should be down in the trenches with me.

I do feel guilty for making him feel bad sometimes....but there is nothing that I say that will ever come close to making him feel the way I feel because of his ACTIONS. Even in my anger, I have shown kindness, empathy, and love toward him (Never being deliberately cruel or violent)...which is more consideration than he showed me. The least he can do for me is be here, WITH me and for me, like a caring H should be, Sharing in my trials.


Me: BW 41
FWH 41
Together 21 yrs, M 18, 2 kids
DDay: 12/11/12 ONS with CW
Used condom, got chlamydia anyway.

His betrayal of me was not because I didn't shine brightly enough, but because he chose to put on blinders.


Posts: 284 | Registered: Oct 2013
StillGoing
♂ 28571
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 11:33 AM, April 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The thing is he HAS done this many times -- said to me, but not specifically said "I and I alone am responsible for my acitons" in those words or specifically that clearly thought he has said similar but that was a while ago...why do I need to hear this again?

Hearing that repeatedly reinforces it in your mind. It's part of the process of rebuilding trust.

This may not be a great example, but kids don't hear "I love you" one time and it sets in. They want to hear it all the time, to be reinforced.


"You have insulted my footwear."

Posts: 7583 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
Topic Posts: 7

Return to Forum This Topic is Archived
adultry
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.