I remember feeling so similar to what you have posted. I felt that when I voiced my anger I was hurting someone who was already down. I was now causing him pain. I did have feelings of revenge and wanting him to feel what I felt. I also felt like a horrible person to feel these things.
He hurt me, I felt the worst pain of my life. I was angry. VERY ANGRY. I couldn't make the feelings go away, I couldn't stop feeling it. Then I realized that if I didn't voice my anger I would get resentful and my hateful feelings would start to turn to real hate.
Like you I have my values. I have values of how I am to conduct myself and what I believed love was. I wanted to be a good person. A person who could overcome this with grace. Heal myself and heal him. Wasn't going to happen.
Those same values believed that what he had done was wrong. So wrong that a ,I'm sorry, even if sincere was not going to fix it. I needed restitution. My values would accept no less. Lucky for him all that meant was that I needed him to see and feel my pain. Was that really revenge?
Yes I knew my feelings would hurt him. Yes I knew it was hard for him. I hurt for him. His pain, his distress. BUT THIS WAS ABOUT ME. I hurt, I was distressed I WAS FREAKING TRAUMATIZED!!!! He did this. Not me.
So I accepted my feelings all of them, the good the bad and even the ugly ones. I told him everything I felt. I was human after all. I vented, I screamed, I cried. I acted crazy and always tried to balance what I felt so I didn't cross any lines.(I did push him a couple of times and called him a name once or twice. )I never had done that before. I felt abusive and horrible but I needed most of all to trust him with my pain.
That was my problem I wasn't quite sure I trusted him to take care of my pain, so showing it was hard. I didn't want to be human and I didn't want him to see my crazy. The insane feelings that horrified me. I could feel this? I must be horrible. No not horrible just human.
Talking about them with him I KNOW it makes him feel bad...so I wonder "how can I do this to someone I claim to love?"
You are not making him feel bad. This is his chance to show his remorse and help you heal. It is his opportunity to help put things right. It is also you being vulnerable and giving him some trust to take care of you.
By sharing it with him, and KNOWING that it will hurt him somehow FEELS revengeful and that is not the kind of person I like to think that I am..
You are obviously a very caring person. A wonderful person who does her very best to love with all her heart and wants to do things the right way. Gently now, you cant help the way you feel. Maybe its not revenge you want just a balancing. What you need is to process your feelings and accept that feeling bad things does not make you a bad person. Your feelings are normal and a reasonable response to be wronged in the manner you have.
This is why I don't want to share the triggers with him, because it feels like revenge, anger to someone I love and why would I want to do this to someone I love? That is not true to who I am and I feel very ashamed...I feel ashamed for these emotions I have to someone I love..this is what is so hard.
Please don't be ashamed. Its not your fault any of it. I don't think you are betraying yourself here just discovering new aspects of yourself. You care about how he feels but of course your anger does not. You feel conflicting feelings at the same time. Then your feelings go to war. I think what you need is for him to see and understand what you feel, what he did to you. You need to show him. It will hurt him yes, it is also hurting you. You need to be heard and feel that you are heard. For me the more revengeful feelings died out when he heard me. I think you should also feel some compassion for yourself here and let him take some of this burden off your shoulders.
The worst mistake I've ever made was not allowing my self to feel my negative feelings cause I was worried what type of person it made me. I was rejecting myself. I didn't even know it. I just needed to work through these feelings not fight them. I needed to accept this is how I felt.
I feel so much more whole now.
I'm a real person with all my feelings and it is great!!!!!!!!
I judge myself now on how I process my feelings and I give myself room to make mistakes on learning. I give him room to make mistakes and we work together on how to fix both of us and the gamut of feelings we both feel. I'm honest about what I feel and talk it through. I don't vent as much as I used too. Make no mistake though at least for me it has to come out. I need to be HEARD.
Tell him what you need. Work with him on what he needs. Be honest. If he doesn't respond or tries to use your feelings against you, well than you know you deserve better.
I can tell from your post you are an awesome person, who cares about doing what is right. Remember this and hold him to the same standard you set your self. Because you deserve it.
So, words: help me with wording. How can I ask for this support without nailing him to the wall about it. How can I ask that he say words to me that he takes full responsibility without feeling revengeful or guilty for asking this? Does it help to SAY to him I also Feel revengeful and guilty?
I hate having these feelings for someone I really love.....
Tell him everything you feel. Tell him you need to hear that its not your fault.(Because it isn't) That you need to hear and see that he is taking 100% of the responsibility for his actions. That your feeling resentment and anger still and are trying to work through them. You can say revengeful if you want but I bet if you look closer there is a lot more to it than just that. At least there was for me.
This is all in IMHO and I hope it helps.