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myowndystopia posted 4/8/2014 19:18 PM

I want in the parenting plan that neither STBXWH (or me) can have overnight guest of opposite sex when it is our parenting time (unless relative) for 6 months after D is final. Anyone been successful getting this in their plan? My STBXWH is insensitive of DD15's emotional needs and continues to upset her. This will give her time to acclimate to the whole idea of dad's girlfriend and seeing them together without throwing ow at her

STBXWH says I can't control him after the D is final and that is trying to control him. I see it as setting boundaries when parenting. Any thoughts?

Nature_Girl posted 4/8/2014 19:21 PM

You can try to get that language put in, but it is often struck out, and you will have a heck of a time enforcing it. You can try on principle to get it in there, but you may just be spending lots of $$$ for naught.

GotPlayed posted 4/8/2014 19:32 PM

I didn't really have that option but I was able to put language to the effect that significant others are not allowed to be alone with our children at any time (OM was convicted of beating his spouse, went to prison for DV and threatened his own ex when writing from jail, so it's a genuine concern).

STBXWW was very angry but couldn't do much.

So it really depends on how you phrase it. When talking to the mediator I asked about "minimum standards of conduct for significant others", and the mediator mentioned the template language that was most similar.

Agreed though, it may not be enforceable but my kid is old enough she could be told she's not allowed to be with OM alone because of the agreement (without telling her about the DV convictions so as to not "alienate".

Mute point now it seems since the A is apparently over. But it was certainly satisfying.

myowndystopia posted 4/8/2014 19:52 PM

He can sleep with all the sluts he wants when DD15 is not around. In our case, it's not the moral issue of not being married (DD25 lived with her SO before they were married and even had a baby before married) my concern is DD15 has social anxiety and depression and that STBXWH will be forcing this new life and new person on DD15 quickly. I want the overnight language in the plan to encourage him to ease DD15 into it. My other kids are adults and can come and go if they are uncomfortable with a situation. DD15 is working with her therapist on a safe word or phrase that she can say or text to a sibling when she feels the situation is overbearing on her. It happened recently and DD15 said she felt stuck with no way to leave (not an overnight or even OW present it was merely a conversation about OW)

GreatRoleModel posted 4/8/2014 20:20 PM

I was able to get no overnight guests until the kids were 18 unless he was engaged and then had to be separate bedrooms and can only share a bed if they are married. After the kids are 18 there are no limitations. We went thru mediation and my mediator knew this was a hard line for me that I would not budge on since XWH had a history of online trolling and only admitted to one affair to his attorney (mine informed otherwise). This stipulation has been a godsend and actually has prevented him from playing happy family in his land of rainbows and my kids are ever so grateful. I of course informed them of this clause and XWH was surprised I shared it...they are 16 and 14 why wouldn't I??? The same also applies to me as well but I have never had impulse control issues. Good luck!

tennis26 posted 4/8/2014 20:25 PM

I have language in our draft joint agreement that says neither of us can introduce the kids to SO for a year. Also that neither co-habitates prior to remarriage while there are minors living in the house. Also we discuss the introduction of SO before kids are introduced. I want to be prepared!
He previously agreed to these terms but hasn't responded to the draft we'll see. He is certainly the king of breaking promises so I wouldn't be surprised.
I'd give up a lot of the money he's throwing at me to make sure the kids aren't exposed to him and OW while going through all the pain of having their parents split up.

Bluebird26 posted 4/8/2014 20:44 PM

You can try, it is very hard to prove this situation is happening though.

I wanted the 12 month clause put in ours, the lawyer took it out though as it was pointless as the ex had already introduced the kids to the OW prior to separation so it was pretty clear he already had no morals.

Mousse242 posted 4/8/2014 21:08 PM

my concern is DD15 has social anxiety and depression and that STBXWH will be forcing this new life and new person on DD15 quickly.

Note that this is the reason why and have back up from her physician or therapist to that effect.

Nature_Girl posted 4/9/2014 00:24 AM

You have a much better chance of getting that language than some of the rest of us. I had no chance. I tried but was shot down. I had bigger fish to fry, though.

(Not that having your children's other parent whore around isn't a big deal. It most certainly is. I just had a whole different set of problems to deal with.)

Sadmumma posted 4/9/2014 00:37 AM

Am following your post... WH wants to take ,5,7,9,11,13 for sleepover at ow house

RedWheelBarrow posted 4/9/2014 02:16 AM

I put it in the divorce petition we both just signed. I think he signed it because he really wanted the house, and some $$ from his retirement acct. Maybe if you have some leverage.

renee21 posted 4/9/2014 06:45 AM

I put that into our parenting plan, basically no third parties during visitation time unless they are related to the child. He's not fighting it because my 9 yr old has told him he wants no part of OW or her family. my 16 year old will not speak with him as long as he's with the OW and my 18 yr old has written him off completely.

He had the A in a very public way and my kids saw her chasing their dad and hated her from jump, so she's not a stranger and she burned her bridge with them and his family, all doors have been closed to them.

The only thing he seems to understand that it's best to not push the issue of having her around our son. And it kills her that he spends a good portion of Sunday's away from her because his kid hates her.

sparkysable posted 4/9/2014 12:03 PM

I think a few people on SI have put them in, but they are damn near impossible to enforce.

However, if she is 15, and doesn't feel comfortable with the idea, I would not force her to go. He is making his choice, and like many of the XWH's here, he is choosing OW over DD. She doesn't have to pretend it's ok.

edited to add this:

my concern is DD15 has social anxiety and depression and that STBXWH will be forcing this new life and new person on DD15 quickly.
I would definitely NOT force visitation if he insists on having OW around.

[This message edited by sparkysable at 12:06 PM, April 9th (Wednesday)]

ruinedandbroken posted 4/9/2014 19:49 PM

I had it put into mine. No overnights with the opposite sex (excluding family) for one year. He never broke it. My kids would have told me. I was really adamant about this one and would have dragged his ass into court if he had, just to make a point.

whyohwhyohwhy posted 4/9/2014 20:39 PM

Am following your post... WH wants to take ,5,7,9,11,13 for sleepover at ow house

Sorry for the t/j.....

X is going to take 5 kids to the ow's house for a sleepover? I'd almost let would probably be the first and last time.........

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