"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

tryingagain74 posted 4/8/2014 21:05 PM

I just received a call from XWH. He hardly ever calls me. The only reason I picked up is because I thought he was calling to ask about our DD-- she stayed home from school today because she's been sick, and although she's better, she's staying home tomorrow as well.

So, I pick up, thinking that it's just a quick check in, and the conversation goes in a totally different direction. By the way, he never ONCE asked about DD and how she was feeling.

The reason he called is because my son is the "Student of the Week" in his class. Part of this honor includes bringing in pictures of family. DS #1 spoke to XWH about this previously, but they neglected to get any pictures together of his side. So, I'm realizing on Sunday night at the last minute that these pictures are due, so I pull out our photo albums and start scrambling for pictures. DS #1 informed me that his dad would be "mad" because there wouldn't be any pictures of CommandOwife and her two kids, but I said, "Well, it's the eleventh hour, and it's too late to get pictures from them. We'll have to make do."

DS #1 picked out five pictures of himself doing different things-- practicing his instrument, posing somewhere on vacation, etc. I picked out four pictures of XWH and his parents, brother, and SIL to make sure that XWH's family was represented. I picked out three pictures that involved me and my family. I thought that I did pretty well under the circumstances, and instead of being petty and leaving XWH out, I made sure that he and his family were well-represented.

So much for being nice. He calls to inform me that "he should have been contacted" so that he could send in pictures because "CommandOwife and her two kids are also an important part of DS #1's family, and they should be included." I told him that I sent in several pictures of his family, but he didn't care-- all he cared about was the fact that his soulmate schmoopie was left out, and in the future, I can call him at any time; he would gladly print out pictures and deliver them to school himself.

Again, not once does he ask about DD. I am so, so angry right now.

He decides that he's going to put me in my place because I left out his AP? He's going to make sure that every step is taken so that this doesn't happen again in the future?

How about the times when we REALLY need you? Do you offer to get popsicles from the store when I'm with a child who is throwing up? Do you send me an email and ask if I need you to pick up a prescription? No. During important times when our children could really use his assistance, he drops off the face of the earth. But my, my, my-- when he gets the chance to put on the big show-- LOOK AT OUR BRADY BUNCH FAMILY IN THESE PICTURES AND HOW HAPPY WE ARE-- he makes sure to reach out to me because he's pissed that he's missed an opportunity to show the world what a fabulous father he is and how well their blended family is working (not not not not... he has NO idea how my kids feeling about visiting him... he is delusional).

So, I was thinking of sending him this through email:

"The only reason I picked up the phone tonight when you called is because I thought you were concerned about DD and were checking in with me about her health. In the future, please restrict your contact with me about our children to matters that only directly affect them. DS #1 told you about the pictures ahead of time, and you didn't send any photos with him. I did the best I could in the limited time that I had, fully representing you and your family, and instead of thanking me for taking the time to do that, you lectured me on how your new family was not included. I have nothing to do with you and your new family, so please do not get me involved in those matters in the future."

Thoughts?

Tripletrouble posted 4/8/2014 21:29 PM

Maybe just silence. It was kind of dumb for him to call and make such a big deal for the reasons you pointed out, but also because it's not like this is going to come up on a frequent basis. Sounds like he's just baiting you. Personally I heard the Bennie Hill music as future him scrambled around gathering these pics and driving them over so they can be shoved in a backpack. He would be so self satisfied when he dropped them off too. Maybe next time you need those Popsicles tell him you need a picture and can he please pick some up on his way over with the pics

tryingagain74 posted 4/8/2014 21:32 PM

Oh, Tripletrouble. Thank you. I really needed that laugh.

God, I hate how angry I get over his stupidity. As I told my mom, why do I keep bashing my head against the same brick wall? The wall isn't going to change, and I'm the only one getting hurt.

*taking a deep breath* Must chill...

persevere posted 4/8/2014 21:37 PM

Of course - he wants any opportunity to "justify" how incredibly happy he is now - and I'm sure schmoopie has thrown a huge hissy fit...lol. What an idiot. The need to "prove" anything simply proves the crazy...

You went way beyond under the circumstances - he really is an idiot.

Conventional wisdom would be to NC, but I can see why you're tempted to send it. Problem is he'd never "get it" anyway.

[This message edited by persevere at 9:37 PM, April 8th (Tuesday)]

SBB posted 4/8/2014 21:39 PM

Typical that he wants to show up for the Kodak moment - all face, no substance.

When family pics are required I send in pics of me and my family. The sad clown can send his own pics in. Not my concern.

You've just been schooled in "no good deed goes unpunished". Daddy dearest can sort this shit out. Next time X starts harping on about shit that is none of your concern you tell him that is none of your concern and you hang up. It is not up to you to make sure his whorebag insta-family is adequately represented. Why would it be?

Break that give-a-fuck and break it now. He sacked you from that job so he can suck it.

Further, you do not have to justify your actions to him - you sacked him from that job. There is no remarks column for him anymore.

Crickets for him. Let him knock himself out. Parental alienation does not include whores because she is not your child's parent. He has no moral, ethical or legal leg to stand on.

Crickets. Don't take his calls anymore. Hang up when he goes off track. That'll convey the message - whether it is understood or not is not your concern.

ETA - you also tell DS that he is not responsible for how his dad/OW feels. They had the same opportunity to arrange pics that you did. He informed them - they didn't act. Actions meet consequences. Help guide him through this as X will rake him over the coals for it. Ignore X - focus on trying to help DS as much as you can.

[This message edited by SBB at 9:43 PM, April 8th (Tuesday)]

tryingagain74 posted 4/8/2014 21:53 PM

Thanks for pointing that out, SBB. DS #1 is like I am; he wants to please people and hates when he disappoints them. I will make sure to reinforce that getting the pictures together was up to the adults, and it was not his fault if his father forgot.

Yes, I really do need to stop giving a shit and trying to smooth things over. A family member I spoke to tonight thinks I should give him hell over this since he shanghaied me, and the best I could offer (I'm horrible when cornered... I think of snappy comebacks five minutes too late) was a terse "Okay" after he finished his "you need to inform me blah blah blah" lecture. I know that crickets is the right thing to do, and that's what I've always adhered to, but it pisses me off that he caught me so off guard, and I didn't have anything more intelligent (or cutting) to say.

It will be a cold day in hell before I ever answer the phone again when he calls.

SBB posted 4/8/2014 22:36 PM

'Okay' is better than losing your shit at him. No ego kibbles for you you silly little man - what a let down that must have been!

You did good. Now practice a bored "That is not my concern" (in the mirror, in the car, in the shower) and hang up or walk away and keep repeating it if he tries to continue - do this whenever you feel cornered. It works in all situations.

You are not responsible for how he feels. Neither is DS. You don't 'need' to do jack shit for him. He knew about the photo requirements - DS told him. So suck it, dude. Make sure DS understands that this is NOT his fault no matter what his father says, and explain why.

Remember my favourite NIKism - "They know exactly which buttons to press because they installed the fuckers!!".

I only answer the phone if the girls are with him. If they are with me that fucker goes straight to VM - do not pass go. I deleted the VMs too as I don't need to hear his voice and he knows he needs to put that shit in writing.

If he emails you about this have a trusted someone read it and only tell you stuff that you NEED to respond to. Don't even read it. You don't even need to know the shit he is spouting. Hardcore crickets all the way baby! It works.

My sweet, sensitive 6 y/o stresses out big time about stuff because Father of the Year over there likes to blame her when he forgets stuff (teaching her responsibility, apparently - Ha! like Hitler doing a master class on tolerance more like it!!).

She actually bursts into tears when she thinks something has been overlooked. I give her a big hug, look her right in the eye and tell her this is not her job - this is mummy and daddy's job. We both know what is going on and if we make mistakes it is OUR fault, not hers. It is our job to fix it if we can.

She told me recently that she likes it that I don't blame her for my mistakes and that I say sorry when I do make a mistake. I tell her "I'm just learning" just like he is, just like she is. We're all learning.

nekorb posted 4/8/2014 22:49 PM

What an idiot.

I think it's great that you wrote out such a well written and well worded response for us here on SI to enjoy. We agree 100%! Therefore, it does not need to be sent.

We agree with you and we would do it differently next time if it was us on the receiving end of that email.

I'm betting your ex...not so much. It would be a waste of copy and paste energy not to mention a waste of the cyberspace it would have to travel through. AND...it would open up the door for him to reply, and you know that would just piss you off further.

Nope.

Crickets.

It's ok to let him think he's superior. We all know the qualifier there is that he's a superior ass.

gonnabe2016 posted 4/8/2014 23:53 PM

It will be a cold day in hell before I ever answer the phone again when he calls.

I was in my car the other day and my phone began to ring. It was stbx. He *had* the kids, but I could.not.answer. He left no VM or follow-up text so I still have no idea what the hell he wanted. My stbx SO abused the *voice conversations* that I refuse to have them with him unless absolutely necessary (this is easier to do because my kids are older). Before we had a bunch of *official* orders in place, (and I wasn't taking his calls), stbx called and left a VM that said I *needed* to call him right away (in an urgent tone of voice).....I *think* I remember that he had the kids, so I called him back right away. He gave me a bunch of shit because he had been at the house and saw that I had worn one of my pretty nightgowns.

Anyway. No good deed goes unpunished. I think that you did *good*. You sent in pics of your DS, you, and his dad. I don't think that I could ever bring myself to contact my kid's dad and request pics of his *new* family. The fact that your ex *expected* you to do that is incredibly insensitive. If he had sent a couple of pics home with DS to include in the collage, I would have begrudgingly sent them, but there is no way in hell that I would have made any effort to obtain them. Your ex knew about the project and could have given <whatever> pics to DS that he wanted included. He didn't. His bad. Too bad, so sad. How nice of him to still expect you to *handle* all the details. He just learned a big, fat lesson. YOU don't *handle* his new life.

FTG. Don't send that email to him. It will be a *fast ball down the middle* for him to grind more salt into the wound. Let your wound heal and don't pick at it.

finallymefirst posted 4/9/2014 01:04 AM

This is ziplock guy right?? I know conventional wisdom is crickets, but he needs a slap in the face in the form of that email that u were contemplating sending. He is still trying to run your household. U need to show him that there is a new sheriff in town and you are not putting up with his bullshit any longer. He needs to be retrained. ASAP. Every time he crosses the line you need to whack him on the nose with a rolled up newspaper until he learns not to cross your boundaries. He has MASSIVE balls. He is a bully and everyone knows that you have to punch a bully in the face in order for him to leave you alone. He loves being bossed around, thats why commandowife is in control. I'm sorry, but this has pissed me off big time.

RedWheelBarrow posted 4/9/2014 02:08 AM

Huh? He seriously wanted you to hunt for pictures of his AP and her kids to include in this project?

Can we just all chip in, buy a small island, and put all these NPD fuckers there to eat each others' faces off?

Bluebird26 posted 4/9/2014 02:14 AM

This is my mantra when the ex starts mantrumming about anything.

"Not my monkeys, Not my circus"

It's a polish proverb, I think's pretty apt to the ex and his wifestress and her kids.

suckstobeme posted 4/9/2014 05:12 AM

Is this asshole serious???

From what I can telll, COW bitched at your ex for not being included and since he never takes responsibility for ANYTHING, hence the reason he blamed your six year old for not wearing underwear when he failed to do the laundry, he's now gonna take it out on you. In any event, how in the hell were you supposed to provide pics of him and COW and her brats anyway? Does he think you have framed shots of them sitting on your mantle?

FTG!!!!!!!!

I know crickets is best. I know it. But, I also gree that every once in a while you have to punch these bastards back. Every once in a while, they deserve to know that you have their number and you're not in the business of taking shit anymore.
The problem is, this pompous idiot won't get it. He would only find a way to use it against you or to commiserate with COW over why it was such a grand idea to leave. I hate him for you!!

tryingagain74 posted 4/9/2014 07:43 AM

I haven't replied. My family thinks I should. They think that NC means he walks all over me and gets away with his crap. While I can see what they mean, and I sometimes feel that way as well, I also loathe the idea that he'd use me as a way to stoke the fires of their "love" (the whole "us against the world... or at least against the evil ex-wife").

I wish he would just leave me alone.

jackie89 posted 4/9/2014 07:55 AM

What a selfish asshole! I'm so furious for you.

Yes, I would love for you to send him that perfect email, however, I have learned too that they just won't "get it" - and then if he or CommandOwife responds, it might inflict a new hurt.

7yrsflushed posted 4/9/2014 07:58 AM

I haven't replied. My family thinks I should. They think that NC means he walks all over me and gets away with his crap. While I can see what they mean, and I sometimes feel that way as well, I also loathe the idea that he'd use me as a way to stoke the fires of their "love" (the whole "us against the world... or at least against the evil ex-wife").

Don't engage with him. Never argue with a stupid person, they will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience. It's true. Whether you engage with him or not he is always going to make some kind of noise or drama. Let him sit there and argue with himself. Ignore his calls and ignore him. If he does have to talk to you about the kids and it gets off topic just say this conversation is no longer relevant and hang up in his face. You are no longer his spouse and owe him NOTHING. You no longer owe him any explanations for anything. As others said as soon as you break your "give a fuck" button it won't matter what he says, it will all sound like gibberish. He can win all the arguments he wants with himself.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 8:00 AM, April 9th (Wednesday)]

Sadmumma posted 4/9/2014 08:11 AM

I would send it. But I get sucked into breaching NC all the time... and I'm the one in pain at the end of it. Besides. the doosh may just send you some happy snaps of his 'family', you know "for next time"

kg201 posted 4/9/2014 08:34 AM

NC is for your healing, nothing more. Responding to him, as your family suggests, to put him in his place is trying to control something that you really have no control over. Not responding to the drama is not being walked over, it's seeing it for the drama that it is, and choosing to live a life without it.

Ignore the drama, mamma.

norabird posted 4/9/2014 09:59 AM

Can we just all chip in, buy a small island, and put all these NPD fuckers there to eat each others' faces off?

One can dream...

sparkysable posted 4/9/2014 10:04 AM

Do not send him an email. Don't feed the dragon.

The assignment was to bring in pictures of family. You did that. That homewrecking Ashley Madison bitch is NOT family. End of story.

I think you hit the nail on the head with this one:

But my, my, my-- when he gets the chance to put on the big show-- LOOK AT OUR BRADY BUNCH FAMILY IN THESE PICTURES AND HOW HAPPY WE ARE-- he makes sure to reach out to me because he's pissed that he's missed an opportunity to show the world what a fabulous father he is and how well their blended family is working

...except it's not working.

His smoke and mirrors shows are getting really tiring.

Don't email him. He's delusional. And no matter what you say, he won't see reality.