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Forgive me? How?

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HurtsButImOK posted 4/8/2014 23:31 PM

Help! I'm still stuck. Going through a deep low of self loathing at the moment.

How do I forgive me? I tell myself I know better now so I can do better. I acknowledge that I was 19 and stupid. I see all the red flags in hindsight. He is an ass and always will be an ass, his shitiness is not my fault.

Yet, I should have kicked him to the curb a decade and a half ago. When he first showed me who he really was. I didn't. I took him back. I really thought he loved me more than I loved him. Yes I know now how wrong this thinking was.

How do I forgive myself for ignoring all the crap, for working so hard to make excuses for him. Mostly how do I forgive me for letting myself down.

Apologies again for the downer, I just feel stuck and so want to move on. It's been praying on my mind lately and I haven't been able to shake it.

Chrysalis123 posted 4/9/2014 00:15 AM

Maya Angelou said, "Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.

You did this. You did the best you could at age 19. You have grown and changed and now you know better and will do better.

I think if another person was in front of you that had walked in your shoes you would not be so critical of them. I bet you would be compassionate, loving, and truthful with them.

Can you love yourself like that? Can you treat yourself with gentleness, care, and compassion?

Bluebird26 posted 4/9/2014 02:05 AM

I don't know, I feel exactly the same way.

I think I don't deserve any better, I feel like I failed. I know essentially I didn't, I did the best I could with what I knew at the time. But I don't know how to let go of this self loathing. Maybe it's a way to protect myself from getting hurt again. I am the heaviest I have ever been I feel disgusting, I know what I need to do, but can't seem to want to do what I need to do, I just don't know how to fix it...

Today is the first day I have ever felt lonely. I think it's baby steps though I am trying to focus on doing one thing differently each day and hopefully I can find the motivation I need.

Hopefully this too will pass.

Softcentre posted 4/9/2014 02:27 AM

Learning more about why I did what I did, why I kept hanging on so long etc, has helped me to forgive myself. Counselling,being on here and reading Codependent No More have all helped.

cayc posted 4/9/2014 06:54 AM

The thing is that what really happened isn't that you made a bad choice, it's that a shitty person took advantage of you.

You were kind, you were loving, you were loyal, you were committed. And so on. These are all stellar qualities! They are why when you face hard times, you dig deep to commit more rather than being selfish and lazy like an unreformed wayward who thinks "oh fucking another person will fix this and make me feel better".

You don't need to forgive yourself for being a good person. The very things that made you a target for your xWH are the things that make you a great friend and partner.

So what happened to you is that you learned how not to be conned. That's a good lesson to learn.

Pentup posted 4/9/2014 07:07 AM

Yet, I should have kicked him to the curb a decade and a half ago. When he first showed me who he really was. I didn't. I took him back. I really thought he loved me more than I loved him. Yes I know now how wrong this thinking was.

You thank yourself for not waiting another decade or two to do something about it. Or keep living with it. I can only wish I had been smart enough to do that at 35.

norabird posted 4/9/2014 09:07 AM

It's so hard to forgive ourselves. I am not sure why that is. From the outside--there is nothing to forgive.

You did not treat someone badly. You were not dishonest. You did not lapse in your values. Perhaps at most you were focusing on certain values at the expense of others--the value of being understanding and compassionate toward someone you loved, rather than to yourself.

In other words you were not selfish enough and did not draw the line of what you deserved and then accept nothing less.

That is not because you are stupid. It is because you are kind. And you were inexperienced about this type of betrayal; about this type of person. About how others can behave towards their 'loved' ones.

That blindspot came out of your own virtues. You assumed that as you had certain benchmarks for your own behavior in the world, others would too. Know you have learned (as have we all) that unfortunately not everyone is on our level.

Please don't look back at the 19 year old who did not yet know this, could not imagine it, with resentment for making the choices she did. Please look at her, and at yourself since then and now, with compassion instead. And then turn to the present and the future and remember how much better you are building your life this time around. I have always loved your member name for that reason: because it's so insistent on how you are going to get through and persevere. You are MORE than okay, you are amazing and wonderful and your past has informed part of that amazingness and certainly can't hinder any of it on anything more than a temporary basis.


Merlin posted 4/9/2014 09:46 AM

Yep. Forgiving yourself is often the toughest part.

But it's worth it.

So keep working at it.

better4me posted 4/9/2014 10:56 AM

I looked at books to help me learn how to forgive myself and to love myself again. There are many excellent resources out there, but you have to do the work. I think the first step is always having an awareness that we are not doing all that we should be doing. Sounds like you now have the awareness that the not forgiving of yourself is keeping you stuck.

Move forward. Find some books to read. Find a good IC. Make an effort to get unstuck by making a commitment to yourself to do the work of getting unstuck.

Let that journey begin now. (((hurtsbuti'mok)))

HurtsButImOK posted 4/10/2014 04:26 AM

Thank you all so much for your replies. I have read and re-read them.

At the start of this journey through hell to the beyond I knew it was likely to be one of the most traumatic experiences I had been through yet. I got myself into IC, read and read, journaled like crazy and took a lot of time learning who I am.

I think I don't deserve any better,

^^Bluebird I think you nailed it for me there. Thank you for sharing.

I think now maybe I was going through the motions rather than really believing it at my core. My self care has also fallen away and honestly, I am just tired. Tired of trying to do the healthy healing thing even though I know ultimately it is for my good.

Balance is my word for 2014 but I don't think I have managed it yet. I kinda feel like I am doing all or nothing. Finding balance in life and healing I think is the key for me.

I tend to be a perfectionist and problem solver, so at the minute I drive me nuts

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