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Why did you stay?

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BrokenButTrying posted 4/9/2014 02:37 AM

I see this question in various forms all over SI from betrayed spouses.

Seeing the distress it causes has made me look long at hard at why I want to stay and I'm so determined to R, the result is true remorse and a ton load more determination!

I guess the 180 flip from being a spouse who can step out on the one they love, to being a committed, remorseful spouse wanting R can be confusing for many BS. So, what makes some wayward's put in 200% for a chance at R. Why did you stay?

[This message edited by BrokenButTrying at 2:38 AM, April 9th (Wednesday)]

Unagie posted 4/9/2014 03:23 AM

Because I never wanted to leave. My actions belie that but its true I never wanted to lose him. My actions were terrible but I truly loved/love him so I stayed.

KBeguile posted 4/9/2014 06:29 AM

I was living in a dream world while trying to keep one foot in reality. I was essentially throwing the world's largest temper-tantrum because I couldn't have my way.

I've slowly come to a lot of absolutely necessary revelations for me to be a better person, and I can say that I like who I am today much more as a result of all of them.

I stayed because I really am in love with my BS.

splitintwo posted 4/9/2014 06:38 AM

WS here.

Both my A and my "acting out" behaviors in my teen/college years were never about leaving BS/BSO.

There's always something else motivating the behavior.

Not that it excuses the behaviors at all, but leaving is not the driving force. Hmm. I think for me, it was & remains a control thing, to some degree. Fear of being left/commitment translated to destroy the relationship back in my teen/college years. Trying to salvage an EA caused me to change it to a PA, as sex = value in my brain.

I love BS. I tend to be ambivalent about marriage itself because I think he'd be happier with another partner, & having no one to answer to would make it easier to indulge in my unhealthy thought patterns. Committing to my M is, in effect, committing to me. I want to be the person I should be, not the product of my experiences.

20WrongsVs1 posted 4/9/2014 07:19 AM

To me, the question is, "Why did you come back?" Because, we left. Maybe not physically, but we all checked out of our M, didn't we, TBH?

I came back because BH is my best chance at lifelong happiness. He's brilliant, handsome, kind, considerate. Fantastic father. Even when I was a foggy mess I knew I loved him, and would never find our kind of connection with another human.

I came back because he let me.

I came back because I want to be sitting next to BH at DD's college graduation in 15 years, holding his hand, and reminiscing about how she spoke in complete sentences at age 18 mos.

BrokenButTrying posted 4/9/2014 07:28 AM

That's some impressive self awareness splitintwo. You've obviously been working hard on yourself, well done.

Like Unagie, I never had to make a conscious decision to stay/come back. There was no choice between BH and OM, it was always BH. Looking back I can see my A for the crisis it was. I'm nowhere near old enough for it to be a typical midlife one, but a crisis none the less.
I'm here because BH is the best man I know, he is kind and strong, he's an amazing father and I love the bones of him.

[This message edited by BrokenButTrying at 7:29 AM, April 9th (Wednesday)]

Darkness Falls posted 4/9/2014 08:07 AM

Like 20Wrongs, I'm going to answer "why I came back":

I love him. I can't think of a better father for my future children. I'm comfortable with him. He's my best friend. I am motivated to be my best self when I'm with him.

Trying33 posted 4/9/2014 08:19 AM

I'm going to answer "why I came back":
I love him. I can't think of a better father for my future children. I'm comfortable with him. He's my best friend. I am motivated to be my best self when I'm with him.

Exactly this ^^^^^

somethingremorse posted 4/9/2014 08:55 AM

Great question.

I never thought about leaving. I'm putting in 200% because: (1) I love my BW. She completes me, is the best partner I could want; (2) My M and family are all that I ever wanted, and all that I want now. Almost losing it all really reminded me of that; (3) I was a bad, unhappy, self-destructive person during my As. I hate that person. My BW and my M makes me a better person; and (4) I was really happy not too long ago. Our M had issues, but every M, good or bad, does. I am very optimistic that our M can be happy and strong again, someday. This is especially true because I feel like I'll be a better partner for my BW, and that we are learning how to work on our M in a way we never did before. I think that there is a really good place out there, if I work towards it and get some luck. That is a goal worth working for.

familyfirst posted 4/9/2014 15:14 PM

The biggest reason for me was I woke up. I realized I was sneaking around, lying, not being true to my values, risking my whole life and hurting my H whose biggest crime was not giving me enough attention. and for what? My AP and I were living a fantasy with no future. I stay because my marriage, my H, are good and real. I'm so very lucky to have them both.

Actionsoverwords posted 4/9/2014 19:58 PM

WH here.

I will preface this with the fact that during an affair with a woman that I preyed upon on the internet, I told her I love her and I questioned my own commitment to my marriage. I put this in writing, via emails, to this woman and my wife read all of the things that I had written. I put down my marriage, I talked trash about my wife, I wrote things that I am so ashamed of. I thought by taking this route, it was going to allow me to gain this woman's confidence and sleep with her. I would have said anything and done god knows what just at the opportunity of sex.

The aforementioned and the fact that I am a sex addict that paid for sex, a liar, and a manipulator, makes it difficult, if not impossible for my BW to believe I want to stay.

But I do. I never wanted to leave.

I have issues with anger, resentment, and blame shifting. It is really shitty that I made my BW the problem and even shittier that I demeaned her.

The first night that I met my wife and we went out for a date, I was nervous as hell. I was thinking, she is so smart, funny, and awesome, and I don't measure up one bit. It was such an amazing evening and it seems like since then, we couldn't bear to be apart from one another. We have our own songs, inside jokes, language, phrases, and quirks that we partially passed onto our son. I love her and I still think she is smart, funny, and awesome, but I can add more and more to that list of adjectives as the time went by. We were able to finish each other's sentences at times and we always supported one another. It was like we were Bonnie and Clyde taking on the world. I shared so many memorable moments and milestones with my BW. We worked our asses off so that we could buy our first home. She cooked elaborate dinners and planned holiday events/parties for just the two of us because she wanted to show me that she loved me and change my perception of holidays.

God, it pains me to write this right now. Nothing is perfect and our marriage was far from it, but I love her and want to be with her. I want to stand next to, behind, and in front of her.

I fucked up, over and over again, and I don't know if we will make it, but I stay because I love us and want us to make it.

[This message edited by Actionsoverwords at 7:59 PM, April 9th (Wednesday)]

disgracetoh.race posted 4/10/2014 06:43 AM

Because even that i did what I did, I love my wife more than anything in the world, I like waking up with her, going to bed with her, spending time with her, hearing her voice, hearing her laugh, hearing her snore, seeing her smile, looking at her new haircut, helping her out to chose the dress she is going to wear, talking to her about most unimportant things in the world, shopping with her, walking with her, having a 5 minute break after the long day with her, giving her whatever I'm capable of giving.

Katz13 posted 4/10/2014 07:24 AM

Thanks to all the WS here on this thread. I read this and it gave me hope. I struggle deeply when my H tells me he never stopped loving me during his A. He can't express his emotions as well as you all did here. I hear his voice though in your posts and it gives me comfort.

harrypotter posted 4/10/2014 10:28 AM

Because I love my wife and she deserves me giving 200%. After what I have done to her if I didn't try, if I didn't try and earn back her trust, if I didn't try and change and break my addictions that would say that I do not really love her and I do. For the first time I have no expectation that my wife will be here tomorrow that she won't be sick of the mess I have made and decide that I'm not worth it. The fear of losing her once kept me from telling her the truth, no more. I live for her each day one at a time. I love her and she deserves to have a better me if she so chooses. She may not choose me but deep down inside I believe that I can bring her happiness and that's what I want for her life is as much happiness as it can have. It's her, that's what pushes me to keep going and trying.

BrokenButTrying posted 4/10/2014 12:10 PM

Katz, that's the exact reason I asked this question. Glad the thread gave you some comfort and hope.

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