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User Topic: Stressed about xAP
Trying33
♀ 38815
Member # 38815
Default  Posted: 2:42 AM, April 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

AP and I had a client in common. That's how we met. The client has mental health issues and we both used to help him in our own ways. Anyway, I met this client yesterday after 10 months as we both happened to be in the same country vacationing, he told me that xAP has moved with his family to the same city/country as me and now lives 10 minutes away from me.

I am stressed.

This is the best thing that could have happened for him. His environment was toxic, as was mine. I am happy for him and his family that they get a new start and no longer live in a war torn society.. BUT why has he turned up on MY doorstep??

We were in a LD LTA. In 2 and half years I only ever met him 4 times. We lived in different Countries but always had intentions of moving to London (where we now both live apparently)

I don't know how to process this information or what I need to do with it. I thought I was 'safe' as he was in a different continent but now he isn't.

I don't know why I feel anxious but I do.

Any thoughts or input appreciated.


Posts: 362 | Registered: Mar 2013
BrokenButTrying
♀ 42111
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 2:50 AM, April 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First of all, have you told BH? It is vital that you do, immediately. Don't withhold this development from him.

Explain your concerns to him, say you are worried, want to maintain NC but with him living only 10 minutes away a chance meeting is more of a possibility. Together with BH, come up with a plan on what happens should you bump into OM. Protect yourself and your M. A discussion and a well defined plan will make you feel safer.

[This message edited by BrokenButTrying at 2:52 AM, April 9th (Wednesday)]


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - Jan 2010 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1262 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
BrokenButTrying
♀ 42111
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 2:51 AM, April 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, and London is a huge place. Living ten minutes from each other is no guarantee that you will cross paths. Do you know the people in the next road a long? Do you ever see them? I know I certainly didn't when I lived there!

[This message edited by BrokenButTrying at 2:52 AM, April 9th (Wednesday)]


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - Jan 2010 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1262 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
Trying33
♀ 38815
Member # 38815
Default  Posted: 2:55 AM, April 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First of all, have you told BH? It is vital that you do, immediately. Don't withhold this development from him.

I really want to tell him but I can't. Things are going so well between us right now and I don't want to dump my anxieties on him.

He doesn't want to know.. however, I know by telling him I am more accountable.


Posts: 362 | Registered: Mar 2013
BrokenButTrying
♀ 42111
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 3:03 AM, April 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I understand why that would be a hard conversation to have.

How about you write it all out, all the information you got from your colleague, how you feel about it and how you would like to handle the situation. Put it in an envelope, put it somewhere visible in the house like on the mantle piece. Tell BH about it, say 'I found out something about OM. I want to be accountable and I don't want to keep secrets from you so I have put the information in this letter.' Then it's up to BH whether he reads it or not.


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - Jan 2010 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1262 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
Trying33
♀ 38815
Member # 38815
Default  Posted: 3:13 AM, April 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thing is, my H doesn't know who the AP was. I think he's figured it out but hasn't out right ever asked me and maintains he doesn't want to know.

I could mention it in conversation but that feels sordid and still means I am enabling rug sweeping..

I want to tell him for these very reason:

Together with BH, come up with a plan on what happens should you bump into OM. Protect yourself and your M. A discussion and a well defined plan will make you feel safer.

I think my anxiety is stemming from fear.. fear that we may bump into one another and it may restart something. Us being continents apart made it easy to never entertain this thought.

I know in my heart I would never betray my BH ever again. I know in my heart there is no place for AP in my life. I have left all that behind me now and am becoming a better person, so why then am I questioning myself and my determination to live a happy and healthy marriage? Why do I fear that I may relapse? Why is my resolve not strong enough?

I wish I never found out this stupid information. I feel like it's a setback.


Posts: 362 | Registered: Mar 2013
BrokenButTrying
♀ 42111
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 3:25 AM, April 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

fear that we may bump into one another and it may restart something.

You have control of this though. The continuation of the A is not something that may or may not happen to you, it is something that you decide to do or not.

Give yourself a little more credit. It is not the miles between you and AP that stopped the A, you said yourself it was mainly an EA that you chose not to participate in any longer.


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - Jan 2010 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1262 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
BrokenButTrying
♀ 42111
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 3:29 AM, April 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As for the identity of the OM, put that in a separate letter in a different envelope. You can still tell him the information without revealing his identity. But if BH wants to know, the option is there for him.

The most important thing here is that you make the information available to BH. Give your BH a choice. He may well decide not to read the letter but the fact you offered it up and didn't hide it makes you accountable and builds trust.

[This message edited by BrokenButTrying at 3:32 AM, April 9th (Wednesday)]


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - Jan 2010 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1262 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
BrokenButTrying
♀ 42111
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 3:35 AM, April 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry to bombard with posts, my mobile version of this site is playing up. I can't post long replies, the 'submit message' option disappears if I type too much. Must be a sign I need to talk less!

This is only a setback if you choose it to be. It could be a great strengthing between you and BH. Use it as an opportunity to demonstrate those changes you're making, prove yourself trustworthy.

[This message edited by BrokenButTrying at 3:36 AM, April 9th (Wednesday)]


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - Jan 2010 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1262 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
Trying33
♀ 38815
Member # 38815
Default  Posted: 3:37 AM, April 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've always suffered from self-doubt. Always needed a high five from someone to reassure me I'm doing the right thing. Validation (you know the drill).

I think in this situation, I just need to be confident that distance is actually irrelevant. It's more a mind set and more about my ability to follow through with something that I'm committed to and that I CAN do it.

I am NOT weak and I am on the right path to become whole and healthy.

Indifference is my aim. It shouldn't matter where the fu*k he lives. Why do I even care? This is about me and me working through stuff and not being afraid of difficult emotions.


Posts: 362 | Registered: Mar 2013
Trying33
♀ 38815
Member # 38815
Default  Posted: 3:38 AM, April 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry to bombard with posts

Not at all. I appreciate your words. Thankyou


Posts: 362 | Registered: Mar 2013
floridaredman
♂ 15122
Member # 15122
Default  Posted: 7:34 AM, April 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

so why then am I questioning myself and my determination to live a happy and healthy marriage? Why do I fear that I may relapse? Why is my resolve not strong enough?

These are your questions, but they are also your fears. The best way to stop fear is to confront it and expose it.

Your BH may not want to know, but the xAP only living 10 min away is pertinent information. You have not reached indifference to this man, so there is still a danger of this affair restarting. But it won't.

Sit your BH down
Tell him about xAP and where he lives.
You both need to confront this because YOU are not strong enough to do this on your own.

Your BH may get angry or sad.
He may lash out at you, but it is better for him to be angry or sad because you exposed this to him, than for him to be angry or sad because he found out on his own that xAP lives there or the affair rekindled.

From what you wrote, I don't believe you could resist the xAP for long if he sought you out.
This is very dangerous ground your treading here.

Expose it before it exposes itself


The simplest thing can be the hardest thing to do....FRM

Posts: 2540 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Florida
Trying33
♀ 38815
Member # 38815
Default  Posted: 9:00 AM, April 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But it won't

Thanks for your faith. My low self esteem is crying out for support and reassurance that I CAN do this. That I AM strong enough. This is why I've always framed my A as an addiction as for me, it's a lot about resolve and self-discipline and not always taking the easy solution.

You both need to confront this because YOU are not strong enough to do this on your own.

Spot on.. but I feel like I'm alone in this mess. He doesn't want to know. I'd like nothing more but to tell him and face this together but when it comes to my A, he shuts down and a massive wall goes up. Sadly, I have to deal with this alone and with the
support of my SI friends.

Your BH may get angry or sad.

I wish this were true but my BH shows no emotion. I wish he did as it would be something for us to work with but theres just zero discussion to be had. Perhaps, I should try again as it's been a while since I brought up the topic.

From what you wrote, I don't believe you could resist the xAP for long if he sought you out.

What gives you this impression?

He will never seek me out so in that sense I'm safe.


Posts: 362 | Registered: Mar 2013
floridaredman
♂ 15122
Member # 15122
Default  Posted: 9:26 AM, April 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What gives you this impression?

When you posted this;

I think my anxiety is stemming from fear.. fear that we may bump into one another and it may restart something.


The simplest thing can be the hardest thing to do....FRM

Posts: 2540 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Florida
floridaredman
♂ 15122
Member # 15122
Default  Posted: 9:27 AM, April 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He will never seek me out so in that sense I'm safe.

How do you know this?


The simplest thing can be the hardest thing to do....FRM

Posts: 2540 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Florida
Trying33
♀ 38815
Member # 38815
Default  Posted: 9:35 AM, April 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How do you know this?

Because of the way it ended and because he is now finally living the life he always wanted and I was just around to pass some time until he could be in a better environment and start his life a fresh.

I know him well enough to know if he were ever gonna make contact he would've by now. And this I thank him for.


Posts: 362 | Registered: Mar 2013
floridaredman
♂ 15122
Member # 15122
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, April 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know him well enough to know if he were ever gonna make contact he would've by now. And this I thank him for.

OK. Just be mindful that he could always change his mind.


The simplest thing can be the hardest thing to do....FRM

Posts: 2540 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Florida
swizzlestick03
♀ 30102
Member # 30102
Default  Posted: 9:56 AM, April 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

fear that we may bump into one another and it may restart something

Trying, you have come so far. Why would you want to restart something that is so destructive to yourself, not to mention the other casualties.

You are working so hard to right the ship. Keep on course. Give your BS the opportunity to know the information, even if you think he doesn't want to know. I like the suggestion of the envelopes.

You are working so hard. I don't want to see you throw it all away for nothing. Because that is what it will be - nothing. And you are worth SO MUCH MORE than that.


Me: BW-33
Him: WS-32
D-Day #1: 16 August 2010
D-Day #2: 16 January 2011
One smallish kiddo.

Posts: 571 | Registered: Nov 2010
BrokenButTrying
♀ 42111
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 10:27 AM, April 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Trying, even if your BH doesn't show any emotion about your A, he WILL care if you keep this from him. No matter what your reasons, keeping this a secret will only prove to your BH that you are not trust worthy and that you still cannot make your relationship with him a priority above your own feelings.

Tell him. Even if it brings a storm, weather it together, as a team. You CAN do this. You ARE strong enough. Don't waste all the hard work you've done. Put all of it into practice, live authentically. I believe in you

[This message edited by BrokenButTrying at 10:28 AM, April 9th (Wednesday)]


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - Jan 2010 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1262 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
Alyssamd24
♀ 39005
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 7:03 PM, April 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Trying,
First of all I want to congratulate you for admitting that having him so close by is stressing you out and causing anxiety....I think its very brave to admit that.

You have come a very long way and I believe you have grown...that is huge! I think your anxiety is a normal reaction for someone who is trying to reach indifference. I think if the A were to start again it would have already but it hasn't cuz you have done well mainting NC.

I like brokens idea of writing down the AP's identity and the new information and giving him the choice of reading it....that way you are giving him the truth and being honest...whether or not he chooses to read it is up to him.

((Trying)) hang in there...its only a set back if you let it be.


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 911 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
Topic Posts: 26
Pages: 1 · 2

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