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learning to un-love

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Amazonia posted 4/9/2014 03:13 AM

http://www.jdate.com/jmag/2014/04/learning-to-un-love-the-unavailable-man/

Good article, highly recommend, even though it's a little heavy on the Freud for my taste.

Repetition compulsion is considered to be one of many common defense mechanisms. When a person engages in behaviors of repetition compulsion, she is unconsciously attempting to revise and resolve a dysfunctional aspect of a primary, or central, past relationship.

We can develop awareness and understanding of what we are doing and why we are doing it, and then make the conscious decision to change. This process is often difficult and uncomfortable, but the payoff is hopefully that we stop getting into knee-jerk reaction relationships and instead choose relationships where we honor a more fully realized version of ourselves.

...invest in getting to know yourself the way you usually invest in getting to know the Unavailable Man.

Once you feel you have a handle on your authentic self you may also notice you actually really like who you are. That’s when you will be more prepared to again start dating others.

...you will probably have to overlook men who initially attract you (as these are probably covert versions of the Unavailable Man), and instead look at men beyond your immediate lust list. At first, the experience may feel a bit like you are intentionally ignoring an itch that wants to be scratched, but if you stick with it by choosing to meet men who possess the personal characteristics you admire rather than simply gravitating towards those you customarily choose (and if you jump ship once you begin to notice signs he might actually fit the Unavailable Man bill after all), it is likely to pay off. For these are the potential husbands and not the one-night stands.

[This message edited by Amazonia at 6:15 AM, April 9th (Wednesday)]

Rainbows posted 4/9/2014 04:44 AM

Thanks so much for sharing this article. It really spoke to some issues that are up for me right now.

I am guilty so all of my relationships have this pattern. Very recently I finally realized that I keep recreating my relationship with my mom.

The article was helpful in giving easy ways to start breaking the pattern.

norabird posted 4/9/2014 09:14 AM

My suggestion to begin this process is to first “date yourself” and then to date “beyond your ‘type.’”

This is right where I am right now and this path is hopefully one I can stay on! Thanks for sharing Amazonia.

better4me posted 4/9/2014 10:58 AM

Great stuff! Thanks for sharing.

Amazonia posted 4/10/2014 07:30 AM

Glad it was helpful

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