SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

Something is really bothering me. H says he has told the truth but who knows.

They kissed twice one day at work. The first was a peck and the 2nd h says he kissed her a bit longer to give her time to respond but she actually turned her head slightly so he only got the corner of her mouth and only started trying to kiss her. You know, the soft start to a proper kiss, then he stopped 1) because he decided he didn't like kissing her and it woke up his conscience a bit and 2) cos she didn't kiss him back. So it ended in a few seconds.

Odd since according to H he kissed her cos she was acting like she wanted him to kiss her. Going quiet, staring at his lips, giving him that look etc.

Yet at the time when I found out they had kissed I texted her and asked what she though she was doing kissing my husband.

She replied that it was a non event of a kiss and it was a mistake. I told her I knew there were two kisses and asked why she didn't mention that and why do it if the first was such a non event.

She replied that as far as she was concerned it was to justify the first. Which I take to mean that since the first kiss was nothing much they tried again to see if there was anything there. Apparently there wasn't.

That doesn't sound like someone who didn't kiss back to me.

Of course this didn't stop her picking him up and offering him sex a couple of nights later, but that's a whole other fucked up story. Two people desperate for the other to want them but not really wanted the other person for anything more than attention and an ego boost. They used each other.

I think the reason she only admitted to one kiss at first was because H told me after they had sex he was such a mess he begged her not to tell me and that they agreed between them that if I got suspicious they wouldn't admit to anything more than kissing. She agreed but H continued to be her lapdog in case she did tell me. Nothing more physical happened.

I do take comfort in the fact he admitted they has gone behind my back to agree just how much they would admit to. He didn't have to tell me that but he did.

Then she asked me to leave her alone and that she hoped we could work things out. Not an apology but that was the vibe of the text.

Their story is so strange and there is so much stuff that confuses me that I am seriously considering asking her to meet me and get her side of the story. I believe him on the big things, that they only did it once, that the PA ended straight away but continued as an EA. The length of the A. But all the fine detail stuff H swears is true I just don't know whether to believe him on that stuff. Does it matter?

I know this is a bad idea and I can't necessarily expect the truth from her. Although I can't see why she would lie a year later when she has no interest in him and apparently felt bad about what they did AFTER meeting me the first time.

But I also know she isn't stable mentally. The way she acted when she was here, stroppy one minute, gushy and chatty the next, dropping stuff into the conversation that would upset me the next.

H's story has been pretty much constant for a long time now and he swears he has told me the full truth. Some bits just seem very unlikely. Like they didn't flirt until she put his lighter down her top. Really? about 400 texts by this point but no flirting? That he only wanted her to want him, he didn't want her it was just that she seemed to want him and that sparked him interest. That he was 'playing' with being unfaithful to get ego boosts and he didn't want it to go as far as it did.

I would love to hear her side on all of it.

Should I just accept what H swear is the truth or try and meet with her and see what info I can get from her?

Surely a lot of us crave to hear the story from AP's POV? Or would I be making things worse?

I have been wanting to meet with her since it happened. To see if her story matches h's, there is no way he could prepare her so the stories match as I have so much info it would take hours and I know I would see the holes if she lied. It would be very hard to match there stories completely.

I wish I could just meet her and ask her to tell me the story of the affair in her words. I am really considering doing it.......have been all along and the urge to talk to her about it isn't going away.

Can't afford a polygraph btw. also that doesn't cover emotions so wouldn't give me a clear enough picture.

Maybe she agreed to kissing him, even though she didn't kiss back because that was they story they decided on rather than admit to sex?

Why do they have to make you doubt everything with their selfish lies!

[This message edited by olwen at 4:50 AM, April 9th (Wednesday)]

I know the usual advice here on SI is to not contact the AP.

I disagree...depending on the situation.

I contacted AP the day after dday. When WH found out, he was PISSED. I found out very quickly that he was angry because he had lied to me on dday about the full extent of the contact he had with AP. He then told me the truth..which was verified by AP within 5 minutes of me sending the email/telling WH that I had sent it. I am positive they had not compared stories.

I got details from AP that WH would have never given me because they were too "embarrassing."

I have zero regret about contacting the AP. None. It was one of the very best things I did early on.

If you want to contact her..do it. But, be prepared. She may lie to you. She also may tell you the truth. And, if your WH believes you have contacted her to get her POV, he very well may start clearing up all those things that don't make sense.

I did and she lied like a pro. Told me it was nothing but a misunderstanding of friendship and my wh had crossed the line thinking it was more. (They had already had sex.). My biggest regret is not calling her husband earlier. That's who I compared notes with later on, and he was a wealth of information.

Over now and we are R.

Best wishes!

Thanks both for sharing your stories. I need to think this through very carefully before I act.

There is no other bs for us. Well, she has numerous om but I don't think that counts and I don't know who they are. She is technically single.

So bully for me I get to choose between two liars

[This message edited by olwen at 11:04 AM, April 9th (Wednesday)]

if these were the first 2 kisses, i'd say drop it on a number of grounds.

1) it's really easy to misread another person at that stage, so your h could have honestly thought one thing while she honestly thought another.

2) your h was out of touch with reality. so was she. they probably don't know what happened.

3) you have no real way to verify what she says.

how would a different story affect your behavior/thoughts/feelings now?

[This message edited by sisoon at 11:08 AM, April 9th (Wednesday)]

No. You choose YOU.

Trust your gut.

You continue to pick his story apart(rightfully so) because it doesn't make sense. Even a few of the WS's have picked up on it.

If it were ME..I would contact her and see if she will answer some questions for you.

She may lie..she may not. The truth probably lies somewhere between his story and hers.

Olwen, I'm not going to say that your husband is lying like I have in the past. But I will tell you my experience.

For a year after DDay1 my husband's "story" did NOT make sense to me. I tried over and over and over to believe him. I asked him so many questions, to repeat it all to me over and over. I tried to go into R100%, but my gut never quieted. Ever. It felt wrong. I knew, in my heart, something wasn't right, he hadn't told me everything. No matter how many times I asked him though, he wouldn't tell me. So I just tried to believe him.

Then DDay2 happened. In some ways it was a relief. In most ways though, it wasn't. He still lied though, minimized.

I ended up contacting OW1.

She lied. A lot. She contradicted herself in her messages to me even. But she gave some nuggets of truth that I was able to use in confronting my husband where he could not lie further. I had enough to force the truth from him. It ripped my heart out, but finally I got the truth.

So you will likely get some lies, especially since he ASKED her to lie to you. You might get some pieces of truth though too.

I do think your husband has minimized a lot. Because your gut will not rest. Why? I don't know, but there is a reason for it. I think there are things that you do not know yet. And until you do, you will not get any peace.

My only fear, because your husband reads here, is that he is going to warn her that you want to contact her, and ask her to lie more.