Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-

SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: Redvirgo (46079)

User Topic: Needing Help
silentlucidity
♂ 39769
Member # 39769
Stop  Posted: 7:51 AM, April 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My BS is now bringing up one of my ex GF from 20 yrs ago, saying I am not over her and still think about her, this was 20 yrs ago, I haven't heard from her, seen her or infact had anything to do with them for 20 yrs.

Y is she going back to me ex GF and saying I still hold a torch.

The only person that brings my xGF up is my BS.
Accepted my x GF cheated on me, but again that was 20 yrs ago, am I bitter, No, do I think Y, No, do I care, NO !

I don't know what to do, I am losing her


WH (Me) 41
BS 36 (Olwen)
DS 9 1/2
Married : 14 Yrs
Together : 19 Yrs
A lot of TT's

Our choices are our own, Nobody made us do it.


Posts: 28 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: England
heartbroken0903
♀ 27879
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 8:05 AM, April 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have you asked her why she thinks this?


Me: XWS, 30s, 5-month EA/PA in '09-'10
Husband: XBS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

We remarried in 2014.


Posts: 2374 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
somethingremorse
♂ 42047
Member # 42047
Default  Posted: 8:44 AM, April 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She is afraid. That comes out in different ways. I am willing to bet that not all of those ways make sense to us WS.

Our jobs are to listen, and then to take action. You cannot get defensive while she is processing this fear.


Me: WH (40s)
DDay 11/03/13
In MC and IC

Posts: 836 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Pennsylvania
Aubrie
♀ 33886
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 8:55 AM, April 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have you told your wife the total and complete truth about your A? Because I recall you being very wishy-washy on details. Even when you were posting here.

If your wife has even a smudge of doubt in regards to your honesty and authenticity, you can bet your hide she doubts other relationships in your life. After all, if you can lie about A, what stops you from lying about B?


"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

Posts: 6542 | Registered: Nov 2011
20WrongsVs1
♀ 39000
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 1:44 PM, April 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What Aubrie said.

SL, I'm sensing frustration and maybe even some anger. Am I getting that right? You have every right to feel frustrated or angry. Just make sure you direct your ire at the right person. That'd be yourself, for the record. Not olwen. She didn't ask for any of this, and it is your job to help her feel safe in the M now, and to be patient and understanding while she processes and heals from the hurt you perpetrated on her. The conventional wisdom around here is, that can take five years, or longer. Because of your betrayal, olwen may very well have irrational fears or worries, like the one you're bringing up here about xGF.

Just because olwen's fear may not necessarily be grounded in fact, as perhaps in this particular instance, her feelings are completely valid and understandable. If you're serious about helping her heal, and becoming a safe & trustworthy H again, I suggest you be very careful about how you react when she brings up fears or worries. Especially ones that you do not agree with or comprehend.


fWW: 42
BH: 52
DDay: April 21, 2013
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1270 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
authenticnow
♀ 16024
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 2:39 PM, April 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with the others. Don't get defensive, answer her questions patiently and always truthfully. Olwen is processing her fear and anger and however she needs to do it, you need to be supportive of (barring abuse, of course).

It may not make sense to you, but nothing about this makes any sense. Olwen's world was shattered and whatever seemed logical to her in the past is no longer logical. You need to understand and respect that.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 39045 | Registered: Sep 2007
Topic Posts: 6

Return to Forum This Topic is Archived
adultry
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.