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A thought....vent

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mof2 posted 4/9/2014 09:13 AM

It really bothers me that over a year after Dday and 6 months after a finalized divorce that I still think about this and fell pain some because of what he did to me and my kids everyday. He and I didn't have kids together and were only together 7 years and married almost 5. Yet I still hold onto some of the pain while he has moved to another state to be with the woman he is so in lurve with and not thinking about what he did to me/us. I want a day to go by that he doesn't pop into my head. He doesn't deserve me dwelling even the smallest bit on his actions anymore. Has anyone had a day yet where WS/XWS doesn't pop into your head? It just makes me so angry because he doesn't deserve one thought....even negative thoughts.

renee21 posted 4/9/2014 09:29 AM

Not yet. I made the decision to D recently after 20 years with him.

I am looking forward to a day where I don't think about him when I wake up and when I go to sleep. It's hard having kids because we do see each other and have to communicate.

I don't cry all the time or obssess about him and her. I just miss what I had with the guy I married. I'm sure it's going to take me a long time.

norabird posted 4/9/2014 09:54 AM

((((mof2))))

I am here too. Less time in the relationship than you too and no M so it's REALLY vexing to have my heart/mind constantly turning to him! No days yet where that does not happen (5 months from 1st dday, 3 from the last and final straw, 1 of real NC), but there are moments and periods during the day now where I'm totally distracted. That's something.

I find that the trauma goes very deep, as in physical--the feelings well up intensely and I often cry after/during a workout, or (TMI warning!) after I have a round with BOB. That signals to me that my very body has to purge out the feelings from what happened. It's not just a mental decision, a switch we can push.

A year in terms of that level of injury...it's not so much time. I understand how angry you are at losing this time and energy focusing on someone who doesn't deserve it, and I so wish it could be different (for me too--oh god how I wish that!!!) but I try to tell myself that this is an opportunity for me to really figure out my values so that the next time I am involved with someone I will be able to ensure it is a safer, healthier relationship for me.

As for his having moved on...I am jealous of this ability too sometimes, until I remember that I think it's despicable to be able to throw something of value away and to be so allergic to self-reflection that the only way to live is running from one's problems and burying them in ego strokes. I'm not like that, I don't value or respect it as a way of life, and I would NEVER want to live like that. Even though I would like to be able to have less pain, I know I have integrity in my pain and that is going to stand me-and you, and all of us--in good stead throughout our lives.

mof2 posted 4/9/2014 12:16 PM

Thank you both very much! I am just so angry that my mind goes to him at all. I try to stay busy so I don't think about all he has done, but he still pops into my head.

((((Norabird))))...you always say things that make me feel better.

freeatlast72 posted 4/9/2014 12:26 PM

((mof2))


I know I should not be saying this either because I am not even 4 months from Dday, but I feel like I will never fall out of love with him. How pathetic, right? I am doing strict NC right now, but the thought of our life together brings me to tears and I am ALWAYS thinking of him and what he is doing!! He was the love of my life and I am still in shock and this can not be happening to me.

Ok, vent over...

mof2 posted 4/9/2014 12:39 PM

((((freeatlast))))

I feel like I will never fall out of love with him

Oh yes you will. He is not the same person you married and you will begin to see that. It is just hard thinking about what they have done. Nobody deserves what we have gone through. There is absolutely no excuse for it. Trust me...you will fall out of love with him and probably get to a point where you are repulsed by him. Just hang in there...it is coming.

Nature_Girl posted 4/9/2014 12:59 PM

I am almost three years out from DDay. Divorce was final five months ago. Yes, there are days now when he doesn't occupy my mind. The pain is mostly gone, although sometimes I wish my life had turned out differently. I'm past the anger which filled me.

BUT, when I was only one year past DDay? Oh my, yes, I was still a complete & total mess.

PurpleRose posted 4/9/2014 22:02 PM

Give it more time... You will not feel,that way forever. I am almost 3 years out from Dday and my divorce was final last year-- I rarely think of the Dooosh unless something comes up with the kids or the house we are in the process of selling.

Otherwise, I have much better things to occupy my mind these days! You will too someday... Just takes time. :)

Caretaker1 posted 4/9/2014 22:05 PM

Nora bird

You said exactly what I'm experiencing and feel. Thank you. It helps knowing there are others out there.

dmari posted 4/10/2014 01:26 AM

I just want to let you know that ... yes, you will have days when your WS does not pop in your head. Most days he is not on my radar and I credit this to intensive IC, readings and SI. My stbx left our home and moved in to his girlfriends house and never looked back. That hurt like HELL but it doesn't any more. Now I can say, "That had hurt me" and not "I'm still hurt". KWIM? I feel hurt and angry for my kids sake though but that's another issue.

You are still grieving so don't 2x4 yourself. Continue to work on healing yourself and moving forward and soon he will be a speck in your back view mirror.

mof2 posted 4/10/2014 12:43 PM

Thank you all for replying. I know that day is coming sooner than later. I'm just ready to get him out of my mind completely. Hugs to you all!

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