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My happiness - my kids misery

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fraeuken posted 4/9/2014 14:24 PM

Last night, as always when DDs are at home, we all congregated in the kitchen, DD16 starting to do homework, DD11 baking muffins and helping me while somehow entertaining the cat at the same time and me, getting dinner ready. As usual, we chatted and talked about the last few days and just shared what happened in our lives while we were apart and made plans for the time we are together.

Last night all floodgates opened; DDs talked for about 2 hours straight without pause or so it seemed, about the awful time they have at their father's weekend after weekend. Some examples:

'There is always tension in the house. After just living with OW for six months and having gotten her pregnant, he treats her like he treated you in the last year he lived here.' Translation: He verbally, emotionally and financially abuses her.

'He never interacts with us unless we really get on his nerves'. Translation: He is addicted to this game he plays on his iphone 24/7.

'He has no money to buy groceries. They left us behind on Sunday and there was no food for breakfast in the house'. Translation: He spends money left and right on credit cards to demonstrate a superior lifestyle yet is cash poor and broke.

'He takes everything personally. He thinks he does not look a day older than 30 and we told him that he actually looks his age and needs to stop the act. He had a fit, screamed and yelled at us and his girlfriend.' Translation: His NPD is showing more and more.

'He does not want us to text you and call you, mom, because we never text him and call him when we are with you. Why would we? He never has a good word to say and he never shares what he does'. Translation: He is controlling to the n-th degree.

'He keeps asking us about what you do, mom and who you see and who you are with and who comes over. We told him he lost his right to know when he left the family.' Translation: He has moved on but yet he has not.

While I am very proud of my girls how they handle this mess and how they stand up for themselves and what is right and while I am reveling in my new found freedom and am genuinely happy that he is gone from my life, I feel my happiness comes with a hefty price for DDs because they have to suffer through his BS without having me there as a shield. Often times in the past they would not see his true nature because I managed to divert all his NPD actions and anger at me. Now particularly DD16, who is my mini-me with her looks, voice and even movements, is getting the brunt of it.

I can't wait for her to graduate and be able to be out of there and for DD11 to be old enough to go in front of a judge to decide where she wants to be.

End of vent. He just disgusts me so much, I sometimes have to get it out.

[This message edited by fraeuken at 2:25 PM, April 9th (Wednesday)]

norabird posted 4/9/2014 14:51 PM

((((Fraeuken DDs)))))

At least you are there for them. Maybe when your ex's situation changes with the new baby he will be interested in not adhering strictly to the weekend visits?

Regardless I'm so sorry.

[This message edited by norabird at 10:41 PM, April 9th (Wednesday)]

PhoenixRisen posted 4/9/2014 18:08 PM

On one side it is karma that OW is getting exactly what she asked for! But the totally opposite side it unfair to your DDs!
What is the minimum age for your youngest DD to request to judge no more weekends with dad?
Seems like an ridiculous court-mandated waiting game until then ((((Hugs)))

Crescita posted 4/9/2014 18:22 PM

I feel my happiness comes with a hefty price for DDs because they have to suffer through his BS without having me there as a shield.

I think they’d rather have you as a role model than a shield. It sounds like you’ve given them the incredibly priceless gift of self-respect.

phmh posted 4/9/2014 18:49 PM

Crescita said it poetically and so perfectly.

I'm so sorry for your DDs, but also so happy for them that they have you.

Catwoman posted 4/9/2014 18:50 PM

This sucks for your kids. No question.

However, life is full of difficult people. If they learn healthy coping mechanisms from this, it is a silver lining in the black cloud. It sucks that the difficult person is their dad, but it sure won't be the only time they deal with "challenging" folk. By learning healthy ways to assert their boundaries, they will be ahead of the game.


nowiknow23 posted 4/9/2014 19:01 PM

((((fraeuken's DDs))))

Amazonia posted 4/9/2014 19:14 PM

Please start sending granola bars and trail mix or something with them so they can eat when he's not around. Yikes.

Sad in AZ posted 4/9/2014 20:08 PM

What Crescita and Catwoman said. It's not your job to run interference for them. You've done well by them in that they can stand up for themselves and can come to you to vent.

whyohwhyohwhy posted 4/9/2014 20:23 PM

I agree with the others.

There's really only so much you can shield them from.

I've also sent food with my kids when they're with x. I make sure they have a good hearty meal before they leave, and give them some stuff to take with them. I've sent them with stuff I wouldn't normally feed them, like ramen noodles and instant Kraft mac and cheese, and fruit that doesn't need to be refrigerated, like apples/oranges etc. But, at least they could prepare it themselves and won't starve. They're sometimes ravenous when they come back, so I have a big meal ready for them on Sunday night.

I would've just given them some money to order Chinese etc, but x lives in such a remote area, there's no delivery options, so they're on their own.

Mousse242 posted 4/9/2014 20:51 PM

No food in the house for the kids? I would be putting in a word with your attorney about visitation. Maybe requiring it to be supervised.

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