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scangel3 posted 4/9/2014 14:41 PM

Just curious how all of you feel about your posts being seen by your WS? Does it make you think about what you post before you post it? Do you post less often? Or do you post more and more openly because you know ws will see it and hope they "get it", kind of like your way of telling them what's going on in your head without having to talk to them?

Just curious, about all of your thoughts on this topic. I just found out that for about the last month or so WH has been on here, not posting himself but reading my posts. I have been pushing him to come on here and reach out to help him. But that's not exactly what he is doing. He only comes on here to see if I posted and then to read them. I am not sure how I feel about this, since he was doing it behind my back, and had no intention of telling me he was doing it. Part of me wants to step back and not be so brutally honest on here now, but he needs to know these things anyways. And I do NOT want to lose my only place I can talk about this with people that get it. I have no one in RL to go over these things with, and definitely no one that gets it. So I don't want to give it up, and I won't give it up completely! I NEED YOU GUYS!!! I tend to start a topic and then I start rambling on and the more I ramble on the more my true deep feelings (usually that I haven't even realized) start to come out, and then I get the real answers or help I need. I do not want to give that up, I don't want to hold back. But I have stopped myself from posting here until now, for that exact reason because I know he will see it.

I don't know, any thoughts from those of you that are in a similar situation, or have your ws on here as well?

And yeah I am sure he will read this so yeah

LivingLearning posted 4/9/2014 15:12 PM

This topic has been discussed many times in the past and there never seems to be a good consensus. Some feel that coming to SI will help them realize what they are supposed to be doing. Even if he is only reading your post, there may be a time in the future that he does have his own question and looks into the WS forum section. It may happen slowly, but if he is familiar with the site, he is more likely he will look at other posts/post his own. The more he realizes that people are here to help you, the more likely he will be to check out the WS side and maybe even post. However, he may avoid posting for the same reason you talk about, that you may read it. I think this brings to light why it is important to have IC and not having to talk about what you talked about in IC. Everyone needs a safe place where they can freely discuss without judgement. Otherwise they shut down and/or hide the feelings... leading to bigger problems in the future. I think that is why it is hard to know what to do about having your WS on the same forum. It could really help them. I mean REALLY help them as they have people they can talk to and a support system telling them what the right thing to do is. However, they have to want to be helped. At the same time, neither of you want to lose your safe spot so that you feel you can talk things out without judgement. I go back and forth on the issue. Maybe there could be some sort of agreement that things you post can not be held against you. Or you could try not to read each other's posts.

refuz2bavictim posted 4/9/2014 16:01 PM

I post as if my FWH was not here and without knowledge of my name. He does know both. But I post as I please. I do this for me. If he it touches a nerve for him, which it hasn't, I see it as a good thing. I also find this to be a lesson in authenticity, for myself. I need to be authentic if I am to expect it of him. And if I can't do it on an anonymous forum, even where he knows my identity, I would have to question my own ability to be authentic.

What each of us need on this journey is highly personal. And it makes complete sense that some need this to be a private personal place, first and foremost.

Uhtred posted 4/9/2014 18:31 PM

My WW is on here and has read my post from time to time. I've always written them as to how I feel. I do not worry what she reads. I look at it like this, now she is staring through the window of my mind and can see what I'm thinking and what eats me up. The responses that I get she may have an opportunity to see how others view things.

Not to say that I don't communicate with her but since this has all happened sometimes its easier to write out what you are thinking but I don't write them in hopes of her reading them.

Lionne posted 4/9/2014 18:34 PM

I am who I am. He knows that. I don't say anything here I don't say IRL.

Now, if I ever contemplate divorce, I'd be more circumspect.

sisoon posted 4/9/2014 18:47 PM

I've used SI to work things out for myself. My threads are about work in progress, and they're not things my W should read - they could give her the wrong idea about how each issue might/will be solved.

Also, I want our communications to be direct. By making each other's posts off limits, neither of us is tempted to hope the other sees a post of ours on SI.

We don't read each other's posts, and it seems to work for us. I recommend that when someone asks for a recommendation, but each couple has to make its own decision.

StillGoing posted 4/9/2014 18:53 PM

She sits next to me on her PC and reads my posts. Sometimes it can feel a little weird. I do edit myself sometimes, knowing she is reading. She hasn't posted in a long time now but she's on here pretty much every day.

Hello love.

SisterMilkshake posted 4/9/2014 19:13 PM

^^^^^ That is so sweet. ^^^^^^^

I have nothing to hide from FWH. He doesn't read here, but if he did, he would not be shocked by my blunt style and anything I said. Yeah, it might hurt his feelings if I was being venty, but he would understand why I was saying what I was saying. And why I say it here and not to his face.

Ostrich80 posted 4/9/2014 19:57 PM

Me personally, do not want ws reading my posts because we aren't in.R and I feel like SI is mine. If we were in R, I would be ok with it. It's a trust thing with me.

scangel3 posted 4/10/2014 01:44 AM

Thanks for all of the replies. At one point we were dead set on R'ing and I wouldn't have cared if he saw my posts. But lately I have been in a very angry mood about his choices, and I have been very "venty" for the past few months, and that all comes out on here. I guess I am kinda worried about his feelings, will he be hurt/mad? I shouldn't care, but then again that is part of why I am still in this M, because I don't want to hurt his feelings.

Now scaredyKat, part of what I have been posting was about leaving him. Not right now, but in the future, when I am done with school. He knows this is my plan at the moment, yet I don't think he believes me. So I am not actually hiding things from him. I am just way more blunt on here then in RL.

I guess part of me is upset because he had no plans to tell me about finally coming here, or about reading my posts. So I kina feel violated. He also hasn't shared his user name with me, he claims he forgot it because it just keeps him logged in on his phone. I know he knows how he can figure it out, even if he really did forget. But for whatever reason he hasn't figured it out yet.

I am just going to keep posting on here like I always have. Once I start typing things just start flowing and I will forget he will read it, and then oh well, at least he knows what's going through my mind at that exact moment. And he can see others responses and see that I am not alone in these feelings. I just wish he would utilize the whole site and not just my posts. But maybe in time ???

Thanks again to everyone that replied

Lovedyoumore posted 4/10/2014 08:30 AM

In our situation, I am an open book. I have posted some tough things here and probably hit him pretty hard. If he winces, too bad. He needs to know what the A has done to me and our relationship. He knows everything is on the table here at SI and enters at his own risk. Thank goodness he has used SI to better himself and learn from all posters. Trust me, he knows there are days that I cannot stand him and his ego needs to toughen up. R is not for the weak and a few well chosen words on any given day will not send him away in shame any more. We have had to discuss things these past 3 years that I never thought we would have to even think. He is stronger now, as am I.

I absolutely hate any secrecy in our marriage. If we are going to get past this A crap and follow through in R, we both have to be an open book. I have nothing to hide and neither should he.

If we were not in R and headed for D, it would be different.

obliquestrat posted 4/10/2014 08:49 AM

She has an account. I wish she'd post more, or at least read my posts.

confused615 posted 4/10/2014 09:08 AM

FWH is a member..but he doesn't read..or post. The few things he did post about were aimed at trying to prove me wrong(I was right).

He knows my username here. If he wanted to read my posts, he could. There isn't anything I say here that I wouldn't want him to know. But I know he doesn't look. The truth is painful I guess?

PositiveAttitude posted 4/10/2014 09:10 AM

I don't think my WH knows this site or my user name even though he's seen me reading here before. I'm not sure how I would feel if he did know or acknowledged that he knew. I always try to be honest, open and complimentary of the man my WH wants to be. I'm not sure him reading my posts would change the way I write - but I don't know since I'm not faced with the situation.

Erasmus posted 4/10/2014 09:16 AM

I was nervous at first about revealing that I was on SI. 2 Weeks after dday I finally told her I was reading and posting here. Her reaction was not exactly what I was hoping for in that she told me she was happy I had found a place to go for a little support but was upset that I would be on here sharing things about our lives and the A. (even tho SI is anonymous)

What gets me about her attitude towards SI and sharing things about us is that during the A she had no problem sharing very very personal details about my sexual preferences with someone else, who then proceeded to throw it in my face as if I'm some kind of freak. I'm a fairly open person sexually but there are things I have never told another living sole about myself that I had revealed to her and she proceeded to share those details with random people who A) don't know me, B) don't give 2 shites about her or me, and C) used the info and threw it back in my face via a text message on her phone right after dday.

But to get back to the original point... I really don't care one iota if she knows I post on here or not.

Sparkle0504 posted 4/10/2014 10:16 AM

My SAWH still has his head buried up his denial a****. I refer to this site from time but he will not look at this let alone register and post. That said, I don't post anything I wouldn't be comfortable with him seeing.

5454real posted 4/10/2014 10:34 AM

I see this as *neutral* ground. I can *yell, scream, vent or cry* here not *in the moment*. It tends to diffuse the situation before it happens.

That said, if there is something I would post that upsets her, it's a great topic for conversation later.

RidingHealingRd posted 4/11/2014 00:22 AM

I have zero concern about my WH reading my posts. I am an open book and have nothing to hide from him. My WH would not be surprised by anything that I have posted on SI. If I have written it here, chances are I have looked him in the eyes and said it to his face.

william posted 4/11/2014 04:49 AM

my wife knows i post here. my wife also has an identity here.

i feel i showed the horse to water, even fed it salt all along the way to make it thirsty, but i cant make the horse drink. i told her that i thought she should post and read my posts.

i post frequently and read much, much more. she posted 4 times and allowed her thread to die.

i WISH she would post more. i WISH she would actually read my posts so she could understand more. that she doesnt do either does bother me.

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