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Work conference, inappropriate behavior .

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blakesteele posted 4/9/2014 21:35 PM

Career male here in a white collar setting. Going to conferences for 20 years now.

Since the A I "appear" to be noticing more inappropriate behavior than before.

Married people acting very inappropriately.

Just saddens me now. Before I had a "to each his own" attitude. I also left hospitality functions early as a "boundary" for me.

I don't know if there is a rise in inappropriate behavior, or if the following two changes in me have skewed my observation skills.

1. I have been personally affected by inappropriate behavior.

2. I am staying longer at hospitality functions. Leave around 9 pm now instead of 7 pm.

Kind of a nothing post. Posting just because I have been to two conferences in the part 2 weeks.....kinda in my face.

Probably should avoid hospitality functions all together.....but "networking" is part of business. I am guessing 90% if the interactions are solid, decent interactions..... But I home in on the 10%.

It's hurting how I interact with these few professionals. I have a bias against them. Then I struggle with "Am I judging them"?

Sad and tiring way to interact.

CEO watching me at this last one. He asked me specifically what I thought about one of the guest speakers .....a known "player". I struggled with sticking to his talk-topic and not get into his actions outside of the formal conference.

Read some posts on here where companies hold "employee only" dances..... No spouses allowed. So I know I have it easier than some .

God help us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 9:36 PM, April 9th (Wednesday)]

traicionada posted 4/9/2014 21:50 PM

I went to a software system event last week & unfortunately I rode the bus from the hotel to the bar with the not so young & restless. Seriously, these men were old enough to be my dad and they were acting like frats. So sad but true

Skan posted 4/10/2014 16:44 PM

Yeah, I am more hyperaware of interplay that is close to or over boundaries. Heck, I just took aback some of my cousins because I firmly checked one of their decades-long "friends" who was rubbing herself up against my father! Because, of course, she meant NOTHING by it!

I don't do conferences now, but I think back to when I did, and now I wince at some of the behaviors. One specific one pops to mind where I know that I was being courted and, at the time, I chose to find it a bit flattering, even though I laughingly told the guy that he was wasting his time because I was VERY happily married. Now, there would be no laugher.

It's sort of like there is an extra filter laid over people that once wasn't there, or was opaque.

RippedSoul posted 4/10/2014 16:50 PM

My SLAWH is opting to not join a military "reunion" planned in Las Vegas soon. He doesn't trust himself there and the attendees will be all male with some spouses thrown in. As an addict, he can be very isolated, so part of me wishes he could go (with me would be even better) and associate with good friends. Another part of me is surprised that he's not justifying to me why he should go . . . Regardless, I'm grateful he made the choice he did.

He goes to conferences all the time. Me? Nope. Have no idea what goes on out there in what must be the real world. Not sure I want to be part of it.

brokensmile322 posted 4/10/2014 16:53 PM

Arghhh! Posts like this make me crazy! I know I need to get over it, but I know I won't.

Deciding if this is how I want to live the rest of my life.

Glad you have good boundaries.

annb posted 4/10/2014 18:29 PM

After D-Day I accompanied my WH to several conferences.

I have nothing to add but
Some of his co-workers were very obvious, two went missing. Needless to say, we stopped attending conferences. It was too triggery, and the behavior disgusted both of us. It got to the point where we stopped socializing with his co-workers. It was brutal.

Many of these conferences now market the "fun" part of the conference. Basically it boils down to drinking and partying after conference hours.

NoMorDeceit posted 4/10/2014 19:56 PM

Oh ya! I attend work related conferences and business trips with my husband now and I'm always shocked at the amount of ummm "fraternizing" going on. ... The sleeping around and other really boundary crossing behaviors is rampant.

The last one we went too, we skipped all the evening "socializing/networking". They don't even start the "real" socializing at the hotel bar until after 9 or 10 sometimes...its so their spouses don't know, they think they went to sleep...some of them even joked about that! No thanks!

karmahappens posted 4/10/2014 20:10 PM

Deciding if this is how I want to live the rest of my life.

Whether you R or S/D this is how you will live your life going forward.

Divorcing your current spouse will not erase your experience. You will be more aware than non-A folks about boundaries and the lack of, IMO.

But being aware isn't a bad thing. All of this screwing around has always been there, we just now see things with open eyes.

[This message edited by karmahappens at 8:11 PM, April 10th (Thursday)]

blakesteele posted 4/10/2014 21:35 PM

Glad you have good boundaries. too. I read the Boundaries book and Boundaries in Marriage book after DD. I lacked many boundaries, but had this one in place for 20 years.

Confession......7 months after DD I attended a conference.....stayed past 9 pm. Let another, much younger woman feel my gotee........5 minutes later I felt sick and headed to my room. Yep.....I let a boundary move. I was so tempted by RA......that was a very close call. I shored up this boundary quickly. Was a huge conference and never ran into her again.....I stuck to the conference, are dinner on my own, and read a book in my hotel room after that night.

But being aware isn't a bad thing. All of this screwing around has always been there, we just now see things with open eyes.

Amen karmahappens. I knew I needed boundaries.....but never thought my wife needed them. I totally trusted her.......actually, trusted her not to stray more than I trusted myself.

Ironic, huh?

A possible promotion is on the horizon for me. I halfway wonder if my CEO singled that one speaker out on purpose? Ten other speakers.....and this "player" was the only one my CEO engaged me on.

To be most recent conference had excellent content and I engaged some if the speakers during breaks to get more info.

I just wanted to be sure that I voiced my appreciation for the quality content if some conferences. They are not all club-med functions. Also, a really good friend and co worker (who knows my most personal struggles ) was there with me. He's smart and engaged.....added to my enjoyment. I gained good new-to me knowledge.

It does appear to me that 8-9 pm is a good time to end social interactions.

918Mama posted 4/10/2014 21:57 PM

I totally relate to this post.

One thing I've really had to get in check was my wayward behavior. I've never had sex outside marriage but I think I was wayward loooong before he was and just didn't know it.

I started in my company when I was young, so conferences with free flowing alcohol, happy hours and work gatherings were the norm. I flirted up a storm and have used all my assets in the work place. I used to make jokes about my boobs getting me jobs!

Wish I had a clue!

One thing I always noticed were the people who were the exception to the rule. The ones who skipped drinks to head home. Or when traveling, the ones who would call their families and pass on social fun. There have always been people like that whom I've admired but just wasn't like. Now all of that is a thing of the past for me.

I get the networking. But I haven't been to a happy hour in the last year and I'm getting along just fine in my job. Turns out my brains were enough all along!

iwillNOT posted 4/10/2014 23:03 PM

Everything looks different with Affair-Vision. The one superpower nobody wants.

brokensmile322 posted 4/11/2014 06:02 AM


Deciding if this is how I want to live the rest of my life.

Whether you R or S/D this is how you will live your life going forward.

Divorcing your current spouse will not erase your experience. You will be more aware than non-A folks about boundaries and the lack of, IMO.

This is true Karma. TBH, I have always known this stuff existed. What I did not know was that my WH was not behaving in ways I would have behaved in similar situations. I have very strict boundaries. I still do. Mine are probably over the top. His are not. Yes he has made changes, but his changes are not what I would do.

Problem is.. his job IS socializing. It is dinners and drinks. Coming home at 9pm would not happen. Most dinners happen at 9. Last conference dinner was at 10:30 because of timing of flights. HIs job is selling himself, his product and the company.

He will not leave the job. He just took it and it is the most sought after job right now. And also provides job security for him for later in life.

^^This is my reality. And it will not change. He has changed what he will. And although those changes are positive, I am not sure they are deep enough for me. He travels a lot. I feel I have a 20% marriage. I think what I want out of life changed. His job was always a means to an end. It is not satisfying for me anymore. I think I would like a M where someone is more present. I am working on me. Making changes within me. I am not sure that when we come through this to the other side, he will be with me. And that is ok. I have given up trying to control that. I just know what I am striving for now.

cmego posted 4/11/2014 06:58 AM

This is exactly how my ex hid his affairs. Traveling to conferences, he literally took off his wedding band when he got into the car to leave for the conference. I don't know how many times I was told, "Spouses aren't invited."

Oh, and one of the AP's was a flight attendant. So he would just meet my ex wherever the conference was.

Sadmumma posted 4/11/2014 07:09 AM

I attended several out of state conferences while working as a sales rep. They were only for employees.

There was a fair amount of bed swapping going on. I think, if you were that way inclined you wouldnt have to try hard. I was asked to "go for a walk" by a couple of male employees a couple of times.

I declined. I'm a bit naive but I think I was propositioned I told DH about it at the time (on the phone0.

veronique12 posted 4/11/2014 07:11 AM

I attend about 7 conferences a year for work. There's definitely an element of flirting, etc that goes on, but I've always had strong boundaries and have deflected any attention. I do go out with colleagues and clients for dinner and drinks, but nothing has ever happened because I don't let it. Boundaries. Imagine that?!

That said, my H has always been a little nervous about me on these trips and interestingly seemed to ask me more questions about men hitting on me around the time when his A started up. Project much?!! He actually used my time away to meet up with OW, not the other way around...

Now post-DDay, H and I are making efforts to travel together for my conferences. Not a very easy feat with 2 young kids but it's important to both of us.

And yes, boundary issues are always going to be a part of our lives, whether we R or D.

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