SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

Got a text from The Princess at 2:00 this afternoon: "Call me now re 13"

Normally I take my time, but she used the magic words by mentioning my big boy. Turns out she had gotten a call from 13's best friend's mom because she found out the two of them were planning to smoke some weed together.

The Princess questioned 13 about this, and got a few details. Then she checked his phone and found out he was planning to smoke with his girlfriend this weekend as well. He swore he'd never smoked any weed before.

I asked her to put him on the phone. Instead of questioning him, I said, "So you did something stupid. Tell me about it."

And he sang like a canary. He's said he's tried it twice, then said, "If there were ever a time for you to say, 'Your mom's already given you shit, so I don't need to', now would be it."

My response: "Not fucking likely."

So I scared the living shit out of him. Discussed jail time, how sharing with his gf could be considered trafficking, how all this stuff is sold by bad guys who don't care if they poison you or get you addicted, the difference between physical and psychological addiction, how his mom would lose the house if we had to pay for a lawyer to defend him, how if one of us got mad at the other parent, we could use that as grounds to get sole custody and disallow visitation. I'm really not a bully, but I've never been happier to hear the tears flowing.

Then he told me that The Princess had him to his pediatrician today (unrelated) and he mentioned that he had done a few quizzes and come up true for depression (which I have, badly!). He started to tell the doctor, and she put up her hand. "Let me stop you there. You don't have depression. You just need to stop listening to sad music all the time!"

Now why'n fuck would you stop a 13 year old in his tracks when he is talking about depression?

Then he said, "There is something I've been wanting to tell you. It has nothing to do with this, so can you promise you won't tell Mom?"

Of course, I said I couldn't promise that. He told me anyhow: He's bisexual. Fuck, is that all? That I can deal with.

I remember when he told The Princess that one of his friends was bisexual, her response was to angrily ask, "How would she know at this age?"

How would she know? At 13, I knew I was hetero, beyond a doubt. So I'm guessing that the story about his "friend" was a test. One of us passed. I told him it doesn't change a thing about how I feel about him, of course, and I won't tell his mom until he says it's okay. The last thing he needs is to get challenged on his sexuality by his mother!

He has told a couple of his buddies, and they're cool with it. He told me that he was bugging one of them, saying that bisexuality is infectious. I said, "Yeah, but you can only catch it through kissing."

That lightened things up. I'm mourning a little after the fact now. He may end up facing some ignorance for this, and that breaks my heart.

So I did tell The Princess about him smoking weed twice, and I said that she needs to get him into some counselling immediately. I also told her to get 10 signed up too, because they've both had the same shitty couple of years. She says she will set that up tomorrow. For my part, there will be a SERIOUS decrease in his freedom about the city when he's here every weekend.

10 doesn't know any of this has happened, but knows that there has been much talking behind closed doors with 13, Mom, and me, so I asked to speak to him at the end.

I love my littlest boy. He has ADHD (like me) and can happily talk forever about any ridiculous topic that pops into his brain. So we talked and laughed about a few of those ridiculous topics.

What a fucking day!

Ah teenagers!

If he really thinks he might be bi, can I strongly recommend the new book Grasshopper Jungle by Andrew Smith? You can read it first to see if you find it too explicit/frank. It's a YA book, but wicked funny and smart. It's been really well reviewed all over, so it should pass the smell test. It deals with some mature topics very honestly and I think your boy would find it a great resource right now if he is questioning his identity.

You are such an awesome dad, Pass. Your kid is going to be ok with you in his corner.

That is all. :)

Well, praise God that he came out to you about both the pot and the knowledge that he's bi! There's enough angst having to deal with the adolescent hormone craze without having to put in the I Gotta Hide My Orientation From My Parents/Friends into the mix too. Good job in having a close enough and honest enough relationship with him that he feels free to talk to you about it.

And oh yes, consequences for the pot smoking, babe! Mondo consequences!

Yikes.

And that, my friends is how you step up to the plate.

That beautiful boy needs you more than ever now my friend. If you've ever wondered what your role in this world is he is showing you. Guide him through this - mourn the fact that his mother is a damaged and damaging individual but know that you are front and centre, ready, willing and able to walk with him through this.

Illicit drugs are the absolute worst thing to do if you have ANY emotional issues - that is why people use them, to try to deal with their emotional issues. I include booze in this too - the legal illicit drug.

He needs IC friend. I can't believe she is a guidance counsellor pulling this shit. I wouldn't want her near my kids. I'd be hammering the school to arrange someone else for him - perhaps someone from a nearby school. This shit is not on.

You definitely handled the pot issue well. Nice job. I'm not sure how to address the bi issue or even if you do. At their young age sexual identification can be difficult, but in the end they still have to determine who they are for themselves.

Glad the counseling is being set up to allow your kids to work out whatever they need to.

Pass, hard stuff. On the bi issue...if you don't know of it already, there is a series of videos on youtube called, "It gets better". The series is adults who are LGBT talking about how difficult their teen years were, and how life has improved over the years. The goal of the series is to help teens who are LGBT see that they have a future, if they are struggling with their sexuality.

It's good that your son felt confident enough in his friendships to tell some peers, but moving forward he should be careful about who he discloses to unless he is comfortable with his sexuality coming out in the open. Not all teens are good at keeping that kind of information private.

Good job today.

[This message edited by kg201 at 6:05 AM, April 10th (Thursday)]

Man, you handled it like a pro. Hats off to you.. At least the boys know they have a parent they can turn to at all times

Honestly, if him smoking pot a couple times is what it takes for her to relent on the IC issue, well worth it, IMO.

Pass My friend you did an awesome job.

The dope smoking is not that uncommon, in fact I am dumbfounded how mainstream Pot has become, frankly it pisses me off. As an RN I stand to loose my license if its even found in my home. Which means I can't work which means we would loose our home. My kids are well aware of it, and thankfully have no interest in it.

The thing with the struggling with the Bi- issue can be tough, and he may feel very ostracized for the next few years, depending on how forward thinking his school is. Watch for and talk frankly with him about self harm. Something that is also prevelant, and a way for kids to have some control over a situation when they don't have any. My son did this briefly last spring. He has since come up with much better coping skills, one being exercise. His girlfriend presently struggles as well, and we found out through the last few months, we finally convinced her to share with her parents, and just this week she did, and yesterday she had her first IC, and she loved her counselor. THANK GOD.

Life is hard, and being a teen that doesn't fit the "Totally Normal" bill makes it even more difficult. Being supportive, and talking to them like adults seems to be the most effective way to help them.

I also have a niece that is a senior in HS that is lesbian, I suspected for quite some time, but she has not come out to anyone other than her mom and my son. She is bearing a big burden, and I fear that it's making what should be a super time her life less than happy. I also hope that she can comfortably come out, when she gets away from the High school mentality.

Sending you strength, and Kudos. You did great.
Your kids are very lucky to have an awesome dad like you.

Thanks y'all. The school board has a social worker who travels around to the schools. That's who my boys will be talking to. They can actually get started into that quite quickly. She can also get them into another free counsellor through her employee assistance program, but would prefer to go through the board social worker because then she doesn't have to take them anywhere - it happens at school.

I'm encouraging the social worker approach. If it is less work for her, it is more likely to happen, and keep happening.

I have encouraged 13 to not tell many peers that he's bi - while reinforcing that he shouldn't be ashamed, of course - just so that he doesn't have to deal with much ignorance and bullying.

On the fun end of things, 10 turns 11 this weekend! My mom and dad usually come up to take us out for a meal on birthdays, but can't this weekend, so they have sent money for a meal. So we're ordering in 10's favourite meal: Bacon pizza!

And do you know what he wanted for a gift? A one-terabyte external hard drive. Just what every 11-year-old DREAMS of.

So we'll have our pizza and cake on Saturday night, and then head out to a songwriting event that 13 and I are performing original songs at.

I love my weird kids.

You ARE an awesome dad. The whole "don't tell mom" statement shows exactly who he feels he can trust. You kicked ass on doing the right thing. I imagine it was a lot at once for you but you aced it.

I'll second or third the serious concern of drug use when mental or emotional issues are present. He would be primed for the escape that is psychological addiction. Perhaps the depression is linked to the bisexuality or even just knowing your own mother will dismiss your feelings and truths.

It's unfortunate he has to deal with that but this is a chance for him to find and develop healthy coping mechanisms for when people you count on let you down, and trusting yourself.

You may very well have just saved your boy. I need high five smiley for this post.

I'm going to reframe your day for you, Pass. This was an amazing day. Your son demonstrated his complete trust in you. He entrusted something very precious about himself to you. And you moved the immovable (the Princess) to support your beautiful boys (counseling).

I contend you had a watershed day.

And by the way? You rocked the hell out of everything that came your way. Go You.

Wonderful Job Pass!

Well weed smoking is something most teens try, it is scary now with what is in it that kids or adults don't think about. That new synthetic weed is nothing to play with.

On the bi-sexual, it melts my heart that he feels he is safe with you.
I do fear for him telling other peers as they can be down right awful and mean and that can lead to self hurting, medicating, or physically beat up. You know how kids are. But, on the flip side, well where we live it is not uncommon and kids expect it the differences pretty good. But you always have that one group who prey of someone different. So talk to him like you are and keep him safe but let him know that it is excepted just not by everyone.
I have a niece who is a lesbian, I love her to pieces. I always knew she was even when she was a little girl. She is the most wonderful person I know and kind hearted and a blast to be around. She came out in high school and no one ever said anything. She went to prom with her girlfriend and life has been good to her.

But everywhere is not the same as here and I am not sure where you live so just teach him to be safe like you are! Many props to you.

I'm going to reframe your day for you, Pass. This was an amazing day. Your son demonstrated his complete trust in you. He entrusted something very precious about himself to you. And you moved the immovable (the Princess) to support your beautiful boys (counseling).

You're a good shit, NIK. Thanks for that. I needed to see it in that light.

And thanks to the rest of you too. I feel like I'm just getting through all this by the skin of my teeth, but I guess that's what parenting is, eh?

[This message edited by Pass at 11:12 AM, April 10th, 2014 (Thursday)]

There are parenting moments we never forget - good, bad, and somewhere in between. I think you and 13 will both remember this for the rest of your lives. It was a day for you to shine and a day for him to reflect on and say "I knew how deeply my dad loved me when...". Raising teens is not for the faint of heart. Good job, dad.