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TheBestMe posted 4/10/2014 06:51 AM

I am vocal about my H's LTA. There are pictures of him on FB and they went to functions together. Since they were public I don't hide the fact that he cheated.

There have been interesting responses from men regarding my H's choice. I suspect that some of his male co-workers knew because my H kept me away from them. But, when I would come into contact with any co-workers, they'd always say something like "H should be happy that he has you" or "...I wish my wife was like you" and "...I'm looking for someone like you".
I would smile and take what they said as a complement and keep it moving.

We discussed these comments in group and I was surprised when some of the guys laughed. They could not believe that I did not know that the men were flirting. According to them, these men knew what my H was up to. They may even have been testing the waters to see if I would be available once the A is outted. This made me think about the stereotypical woman who makes a bee line to the newly widowed man.

As I type this, I remember one incident in particular. My H, his co-worker and I went on an all day fishing trip. The man touched me in a way that made me VERY uncomfortable. I filed it in my mental roller deck and later discussed it with my mother. Before DD, H tells me: co worker sends his regards. Co worker thinks that you are gorgeous and that I am lucky. (you certainly are dumbass)

Some people assume that once an A is revealed, then D is eminent. Here are the questions:

Have any other Betrayed men or women been propositioned because of the infidelity?

Has any Wayward approached or taken advantage of a person thinking that they would be likely to be an AP because they had been cheated on?

kate0421 posted 4/10/2014 08:08 AM

Non of our friends or his Co workers know, so I don't get any responses after dday.
But there has been a few occasions where his friends would say things like "WS is a lucky man" or "i wish I could find someone like you". I guess I never even looked at it his being hit on, until I read your post. I just took it as a compliment.

7yrsflushed posted 4/10/2014 08:17 AM

I don't think I have been propositioned because of infidelity that I recall. However I am the type of guy that could have had someone hitting on me and I would not have noticed. I was married so other women didn't exist in that fashion to me. I treated them just as I would a male friend, coworker, or acquaintance. After filing I slowly started noticing women notcing me again but nothing like overt sexual advances or fishing expeditions.

I do have one particular woman at work that once she found out I was getting divorced makes a point to speak to me every time she sees me now. In the past we exchanged the normal greatings like hi or good morning and that was it. No different than anyone else. Now if she sees me in the break room she strikes up more small talk. I don't know if this is because I will be officially single soon or if she is just being nice. She could be a BS herself for all I know. Since we work together though, I speak, remain professional, and keep it moving.

painpaingoaway posted 4/10/2014 08:19 AM

Have any other Betrayed men or women been propositioned because of the infidelity?

Not many people knew about H's cheating but one very longtime male friend of mine knew, and the first thing he said was, "wanna get revenge"?!!!! I was horrified, and I screamed at him that I was highly insulted that he would think that just because H was a cheater, that I would become one too, and how could he think so little of ME to think that I would stoop to that level! (Although, I had already thought of it, and had already come very very close to a RA with a stranger, lol!).

Anyway, my reaction shut my friend right up, and he kept saying, "just kidding just kidding" ...yeah, right buddy.

SWAT70 posted 4/10/2014 08:39 AM

I guess I was always in the boat that never noticed I was being hit on before. Since the affair I have been spending more time alone. My W affair was not hidden from anyone and her AP was a friend of mine as well as co worker. So when d-day happened it blew up.

I began to notice how women were talking and acting around me. It wasn't that they were acting different, I just noticed it. Hell some of my other coworkers wives wanted to set me up with their sisters. I'm trying to R with my wife now, but it seems odd that now I notice these things.

jost1125 posted 4/10/2014 09:53 AM

The day after I found out what I thought was EA was actually PA (I knew, but he denied it and I wanted to believe him SO bad), I went to WBF's dad for support. He and his wife have been more like parents to me for years than my own parents have. His wife was at work and he suggested that I have sex with him for revenge. He said I just couldn't ever tell WBF. As soon as I said that if I ever did that I would have to tell WBF he said nevermind then. I just recently told WBF about it and he would like to say something to his dad, but I know he would just say that he was kidding. Maybe he was, but it really didn't seem like it.

TheBestMe posted 4/10/2014 13:04 PM

Thanks to everyone for responding.

There seems to be something that we have in common; we were invested in our marriages and did not tune into possible flirtations.

I have had guys approach me and after stating that I am married, here are a couple examples of their responses:

Is your H married?
Are you happy?

My answer has always been "Happy or not, I will not cheat".

Little did I know my H was cheating.

1985 posted 4/10/2014 16:37 PM

This reminds me of an experience I had. Somewhat embarrassing to relate as it shows how totally clueless and naive I was!!
In our late 20s my W started in a graduate professional school. Small class of 12-15 people. She became friends and study partners with a young woman our age. After 3 months she dropped out for personal reasons even though at the top of her class. Soon thereafter a married male student, who apparently was hitting on her in class, renewed contact and the LTA began.
So fast forward a year to a point that was 2 -3 months before the A was going to end due to his graduation and return to his hometown (I was clueless anything was going on) and my W has stayed close with the girlfriend. The girlfriend is wanting to D her husband but has no money. Although I have never done D work, I agree to handle her D for free since she is W's good friend.
There were papers she needed to sign. She and her little girl were in an apartment near my little girl's nursery school and her class day started early and ran late. So we arranged that I would take my daughter to nursery school then drop by her apartment for her to sign the papers.
That morning my daughter was feeling off, cranky and non cooperative. I got to the apartment about 40 minutes late.
The woman answered the door wearing what was essentially a see thru white negligee with nothing underneath. No robe. Nothing else. And she was steamed that I was late. Telling me that her daughter was now awake and she wanted me there well before her daughters wake up time.
I was puzzled. DUHH!!!! Apologized, got the signatures and left. And as I was driving to work I was trying to figure out why she would come to the door like that and stay that way as I explained the papers and she signed. And why was she angry at personalized free service! Double Duh!
So 5 years later, when I learned of the A and began reviewing those months in my mind, the light bulb went on. I am certain my W's OM had confided in his classmate about the A. And she, being broke and about to be D with a young child, saw a young, rising atty as a possible solution if that young rising atty suddenly found himself being D because his W was having an A. But once she saw that young atty being so totally clueless and naive about what was being offered him, she probably concluded he was too dumb to ever actually rise very far. No further approaches by her the rest of the way thru her D.
I have told my W this story. Ironically, she was outraged that a woman would even think of trying to seduce a married man and break up his family.
I have to defend my self respect by assuring you I am no longer that naive!