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Newest Member: bob74 (46035)

User Topic: OC born, I contacted BW of OWs other MM
OutoftheDeep
♀ 42601
Member # 42601
Exclaimation  Posted: 8:57 AM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Omg. my heart is pounding, I did it. Need to wait now and see what her response is.

To summarize, I was suspicious of ho-worker at WH job last year. She ended up pregnant, at the same time WH and another Married Man (MM) left the job. I have been obviously worried about this. MM was rumored to be having A with ho-worker, and her fb indicated "work husband" innuendoes, gifts, etc. I found his BW fb finally, but have been waiting for OC to be born to see if I could assure myself once that happened.

It's fairly clear other MM and his BW are having some issues but that she probably does not know what's really going on.

Good chance OC is her husband's child, somewhat of a chance it's my WH.I have no proof WH had an A with OW, but then again most of don't, do we. Gut feelings.

Well, OC is here and I cannot sit around and wait for some clue to slip out on OW fb as to who the baby daddy is, in spite of the barrage of daily fb post OW puts about her life.

I friended BW and sent her this message:
"Dear ____
My husband _____ used to work with ______ at _____.

Do you think we could talk, and please don't let the guys know yet that we are friends.

I'm sorry to be cryptic, but I don't like some of the things I heard were going on there at the time, and I think it may concern both you and I, or either you or I.

I have debated whether to contact you for a couple of months. It takes a lot of guts for me to do this. I hope you will keep this between you and I for now.

I know this seems strange, but you can see from my fb I am a normal person."

That's basically it. All I can do is wait.
I'm nervous.

I purposely didn't mention OW, I hope from the letter she gets an idea of what I mean. What do you think?


Now I'm realizing how much I am banking on communicating with her to learn more.



Me - maybe BW 40s
He - maybe WH 40s
My mother was always the OW
ExWH in first M had lta.
Current marriage:
2/'13 out all night with an ow
2/'13 busted at strip club
4/'14-? bad boundaries w...everybody

Posts: 382 | Registered: Feb 2014
emmybear
♀ 42934
Member # 42934
Default  Posted: 9:22 AM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

you're very brave!!



Posts: 12 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: USA
OutoftheDeep
♀ 42601
Member # 42601
Default  Posted: 9:33 AM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't feel brave, mostly scared.

I'm on OW fb right now taking screen shots of the all evidence on OW fb that she was having an A with this BW husband. In case this starts a tornado and OW blocks her page. I will be able to show other BW what I've seen. It's sometimes vague, sometimes mentions her husband's name. Establishes dates of things. Plus I might need my own timeline for myself.


Me - maybe BW 40s
He - maybe WH 40s
My mother was always the OW
ExWH in first M had lta.
Current marriage:
2/'13 out all night with an ow
2/'13 busted at strip club
4/'14-? bad boundaries w...everybody

Posts: 382 | Registered: Feb 2014
OutoftheDeep
♀ 42601
Member # 42601
Default  Posted: 9:34 AM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know it's also a possibility this BW will tell me she's heard thigns about my WH too.


Me - maybe BW 40s
He - maybe WH 40s
My mother was always the OW
ExWH in first M had lta.
Current marriage:
2/'13 out all night with an ow
2/'13 busted at strip club
4/'14-? bad boundaries w...everybody

Posts: 382 | Registered: Feb 2014
hummingbird8
♀ 25086
Member # 25086
Default  Posted: 9:50 AM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gently, to me, this sounds like you are starting drama without any proof.

Posts: 514 | Registered: Aug 2009
OutoftheDeep
♀ 42601
Member # 42601
Default  Posted: 10:16 AM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gently, to me, this sounds like you are starting drama without any proof.

I understand this viewpoint. Believe me, I've thought long and hard about this, and waiting a long time.

What proof would I ever get, really, what proof do any of us ever get.
I need to talk to this woman. There is a strong possibility she knows things, and I know things.

SOMEBODY, who is not being revealed, knocked that thing up, at the same time that it is clear other BW husband, my WH, and OW all coincidentally? left the job at the same time, at which point OW posted about whining and and crying over losing somebody unnamed. At the same time it's clear by other BW fb statuses she was suspicious of something, and at the same time I also was. Could their be a third guy? Of course, but where is he? Another married man? Perhaps. Sure, but come on, I can't ignore the possibility of my WH.

I'm not going to send her any of this unless she wants to know. Trust me the last thing I want is "drama" without truth. I am careful to only document things that have actually mentioned her WH name. That's even leaving out the dozens of other things where she's obviously probably talking about him but not naming him. To be honest, even with just the things that mention his name, I think I'd want to know if my husband was thought of as someone's "work husband", giving her gifts, and running her errands - at the very least. And, she may know similar things pertaining to my WH.

My intentions are NOT to open a can of drama. But if one or another of our WH fathered this kid, that is not our fault. If it's her WH and I accidentally involve myself in it, well that's a good lesson for WH, he put himself in a precarious situation by having anything to do with this ho-worker and should be glad he dodged a bullet, not get mad at me. If god forbid it's my WH kid, then I probably will know a lot sooner by putting 2 + 2 together with other BW. Cause he's denying.


Me - maybe BW 40s
He - maybe WH 40s
My mother was always the OW
ExWH in first M had lta.
Current marriage:
2/'13 out all night with an ow
2/'13 busted at strip club
4/'14-? bad boundaries w...everybody

Posts: 382 | Registered: Feb 2014
OutoftheDeep
♀ 42601
Member # 42601
Default  Posted: 10:22 AM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I want to strongly clarify that my reasons for this are not as a meddling 3rd party exposing an A. My reasons are very selfish, it is because I am very scared there is a possibility my WH fathered this child. The fact that there is another BW sitting right here seemingly in my exact same position, is something I can't ignore, and am hoping to use to my advantage to gain information.

I'm dealing with a WH who's only answer is "I didn't do anything". I won't get into details, but there were enough suspicions that he cannot deny it makes him look like at least a possibility.

It's far better to contact his other BW than contacting the OW to ask her for the truth. I'm not going to do that. She can't be trusted.


Me - maybe BW 40s
He - maybe WH 40s
My mother was always the OW
ExWH in first M had lta.
Current marriage:
2/'13 out all night with an ow
2/'13 busted at strip club
4/'14-? bad boundaries w...everybody

Posts: 382 | Registered: Feb 2014
mchercheur
♀ 37735
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 10:41 AM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think you absolutely did the right thing. Time for the truth to come out in the open. If the shoes were reversed, wouldn't you appreciate it if the other BW give you a heads up? I would.

I am so sorry, OutoftheDeep, that you find yourself in this position.

I hope for your sake that your WH is not the father of the OC.
(((OutoftheDeep)))


Me: BW
Him: WH --Had 7 mo. PA with COW;
Married 20something years with kids
Trying to R

Posts: 1465 | Registered: Dec 2012
confused615
♀ 30826
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 10:49 AM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think you did a great thing.

You have been monitoring everyone's facebook for awhile now.

If you are wrong..no harm, no foul. If you are right..you have just given the gift of the truth to the other BW.

I think you are right, FWIW.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 8085 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
nolight
♀ 32785
Member # 32785
Default  Posted: 11:06 AM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm a little confused! Did she have an affair with your WH or are you suspicious that she had an affair with him?


Did she make you cry, make you breakdown and shatter your illusion of love? And is it over now and do you know how to pick up the pieces and go home? - Fleetwood Mac

Posts: 529 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Hawaii
nolight
♀ 32785
Member # 32785
Default  Posted: 11:15 AM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok! Just re read your post. It reads to me that due to this woman's behaviour you suspect that she had an affair with your husband and another MM.Do you have any solid evidence or is it all gut feeling and assumptions based on FB?

For those of us in recovery affairs can be seen to be anywhere, this is completely understandable! Especially if the woman was inappropriately flirty at work. In honesty though her FB message could be about anyone, lover dead family member, missing pet.

I am concerned though that if she is in fact innocent (albeit with poor boundaries) you have just stimulated a situation that has the potential to cause a great amount of drama at a very important stage in her and her new born baby's bonding time. If she isn't in fact an OW at all she, and especially her baby, don't deserve this.

[This message edited by nolight at 11:16 AM, April 10th (Thursday)]


Did she make you cry, make you breakdown and shatter your illusion of love? And is it over now and do you know how to pick up the pieces and go home? - Fleetwood Mac

Posts: 529 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Hawaii
refuz2bavictim
♀ 27176
Member # 27176
Default  Posted: 12:17 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((outofthedeep))

The right thing to do is usually the hard thing to do.

Even if the OW was at a minimum, a woman with piss poor boundaries, having the truth is still far better than living in an illusion.

The truth does not cause drama, it simply reveals those who create it. And they usually find that revelation a bit inconvenient.


BS:ME DDay: 7/18/09 Last of TT 7/11/10
MOW's EA/PA all were my "friends" but one


Posts: 2372 | Registered: Jan 2010
OutoftheDeep
♀ 42601
Member # 42601
Default  Posted: 12:51 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Even if the OW was at a minimum, a woman with piss poor boundaries, having the truth is still far better than living in an illusion.

The truth does not cause drama, it simply reveals those who create it. And they usually find that revelation a bit inconvenient.

Yes, this^^^^

Thank you everybody for the support, I'm glad others think it's the right thing, even if ultimately I end up assured it's not my WH. I don't think I will be able to handle it all if it is WH. Right now I'm numbed to the possibility, because the thought of it is too scary.


Me - maybe BW 40s
He - maybe WH 40s
My mother was always the OW
ExWH in first M had lta.
Current marriage:
2/'13 out all night with an ow
2/'13 busted at strip club
4/'14-? bad boundaries w...everybody

Posts: 382 | Registered: Feb 2014
Tearsoflove
♀ 8271
Member # 8271
Default  Posted: 12:57 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If more people would come forward when behaviors in the workplace are just beginning to get inappropriate or when there are rumors, more affairs would probably not get started in the first place. So it causes a little drama- so what? I'd give anything for someone to have given me a phone call at the first flirtation so I could have discussed my husband's intentions with him BEFORE he cheated.

Good for you, OutoftheDeep.


"Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand." ~Homer Simpson


Posts: 4306 | Registered: Sep 2005
OutoftheDeep
♀ 42601
Member # 42601
Default  Posted: 1:17 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If more people would come forward when behaviors in the workplace are just beginning to get inappropriate or when there are rumors, more affairs would probably not get started in the first place. So it causes a little drama- so what? I'd give anything for someone to have given me a phone call at the first flirtation so I could have discussed my husband's intentions with him BEFORE he cheated.
Good for you, OutoftheDeep.

Thank you, unfortunately, I'm not alerting anyone before an A starts. The damage is already done with an OC And none of the parties work together anymore.



Me - maybe BW 40s
He - maybe WH 40s
My mother was always the OW
ExWH in first M had lta.
Current marriage:
2/'13 out all night with an ow
2/'13 busted at strip club
4/'14-? bad boundaries w...everybody

Posts: 382 | Registered: Feb 2014
Tearsoflove
♀ 8271
Member # 8271
Default  Posted: 1:26 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Because you don't know for sure there was an affair on the other end but you know there was inappropriate conduct and that she posted about it, you may just be alerting in advance. At the very least, it gives the other wife a chance to discuss her husband's boundaries with him even if there wasn't an affair. The fact that the possible OW was posting about him is an indication that, at the very least, he needs some boundary work.


"Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand." ~Homer Simpson


Posts: 4306 | Registered: Sep 2005
Bobbi_sue
♀ 10347
Member # 10347
Default  Posted: 2:07 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

to me, this sounds like you are starting drama without any proof.

I find that all too often, people are either quick to invite drama, or they avoid drama at all costs.

I do not think either approach is best. While sometimes we could be wrong, and could be invoking unnecessary drama, if that woman is completely innocent (which I doubt) she might be mad for a day and she might say negative things ABOUT you, but I don't think it is going have long standing negative effects on her ability to bond with her child or anything like that!

I support you in contacting this woman to see if either of you has more information for the other.


Posts: 5791 | Registered: Apr 2006
OutoftheDeep
♀ 42601
Member # 42601
Default  Posted: 12:12 PM, April 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

find that all too often, people are either quick to invite drama, or they avoid drama at all costs.
I do not think either approach is best.
I support you in contacting this woman to see if either of you has more information for the other.

Thank you and this is an excellent point. I think I have accomplished a good middle ground and I feel strongly about my stance.

If we on SI with so much support and insight, don't do something, who ever will??? There's truly no hope.

I think APs/WS depend upon the point you made in order to conduct their affairs. They know most people react one of two ways, as you pointed out. When people react dramatically they can say we are crazy, jealous. When we do nothing, well that's certainly the best for WS/APs. What they really fear coming up against -actually, they probably don't even consider this - is the focused, informed, rational, *relentless*, person exposing them.

I'm still waiting for her response. It's driving me crazy waiting, but it does appear she's not a fanatic fb user, and it said my message will go to her main email not her fb since I'm not a friend. She should also see my friend request. It's only been a day. I just have to be patient.

Another thing really eating me alive is this: sometimes I'm able to convince myself that it's not my WH OC because he's acting so normal. There was no change in behavior these past few days when OC was born. I was watching for any nervousness, or even an attempt to leave town, distraction. I also thought, surely he wouldn't flat out lie about this, I mean, it would come out, who would think they could hide something like this right?

But then, I see this other BW fb, and her husband is acting totally normal too!!! On the OC birth day, she posted pic of all of them shopping together and doing funny stuff as a family. So that freaked me out!! I guess no change in behavior from that WH either!!

I keep telling myself she doesn't know as much as me, so her WH would have an easier time hiding it, for now. I was much more involved in their work place: was there a lot, knew everyone's names, heard all the rumors, knew who everyone was, heard about the OW being pregnant. I don't even know how other BW would know ANY SINGLE THING. She was NEVER there, and did not live or work in the same town.

Ugh, just more things to screw with my mind.

I'm going to wait a few days before I say anything to my WH since I requested that of other BW. If I don't hear from her, I think I will then let my WH know that I am seeking her out, there WILL be contact (probably, but he doesn't need to know that) and that he should prepare for he and this other MM to be in the hot seat and for other MM to throw him under the bus to save himself if he's EVER done ANYTHING with this trollop. Once other BW is involved, there's little way to keep all this in the dark. And if WH is SURE he's not associated with this mess, then it's time to start convincing me and owning up to even involving himself around a mess like that. I don't know if that's a good plan or not.

[This message edited by OutoftheDeep at 12:13 PM, April 11th (Friday)]


Me - maybe BW 40s
He - maybe WH 40s
My mother was always the OW
ExWH in first M had lta.
Current marriage:
2/'13 out all night with an ow
2/'13 busted at strip club
4/'14-? bad boundaries w...everybody

Posts: 382 | Registered: Feb 2014
hardtimesinlife
♀ 10468
Member # 10468
Default  Posted: 12:50 PM, April 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not a Facebook pro but I thought if you weren't friends your email would go, essentially, into her spam folder.


Ddays 2004 & 2007
I cut my losses mid 2013
Feeling happier every day :)

Posts: 6178 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Florida
OutoftheDeep
♀ 42601
Member # 42601
Default  Posted: 9:58 AM, April 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know it's the weekend but I hope someone can weigh in!!!

Other BW has seen my friend request. Yesterday it just said "friend request sent" today it reads "add friend". I think that's what happens when someone just hits "ignore" when you send a friend request? So she has seen it!

I had also sent the message, but it had said it would go to some other email since we weren't friend. How does that work, do you think she saw the message? I hope it didn't just go to spam like hardtimes said (thanks for that tip hardtimes).

I did ask her not to let our husbands know we were friends or that we might communicate. Maybe she ignored because of that? Or maybe she just ignored because she doesn't know me and didn't see the message? Or maybe she saw the message and wants no communication?

I will not push further contact, even though there is a chance 1) she didn't get the message and ignores all unknown people request 2)her WH somehow found out and told her I was his old coworkers crazy wife and to ignore me

My emotions are all invoked now on this. I wish I knew what happened with my friend request. I guess there's nothing I can do but be patient and hope she saw the message.

ETA: It says messages will go to her "Other" folder if I'm not a friend. So it has to be in other folder. But I don't think fb shows notifications for things in Other.

ETA Again: At least she didn't block me. She could have blocked me and she didn't.

[This message edited by OutoftheDeep at 10:15 AM, April 12th (Saturday)]


Me - maybe BW 40s
He - maybe WH 40s
My mother was always the OW
ExWH in first M had lta.
Current marriage:
2/'13 out all night with an ow
2/'13 busted at strip club
4/'14-? bad boundaries w...everybody

Posts: 382 | Registered: Feb 2014
Topic Posts: 116
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