So my issue is this, OM has seen my wife as she really is or wants to be sexually. This should make me mad right? I should be seeing them together and doing things she wouldn't and hadn't done with me, right? But when I think of them together I get nothing. It's like I'm in a movie theatre and the screen is blank. Even early days when is suspected the affair, through me collecting my evidence and d-day. No thinking of them together. I know they were intimate and that makes me ill, but I haven't pictured it only head. My IC is kind of shocked and said she didn't know why. Her only thought was due to my military and law enforcement background I have placed the thoughts in my "you really don't want to know" box somewhere in my head. You know block out all the bad stuff so you can do your job. Anyone else experience this or just me?
I have placed the thoughts in my "you really don't want to know" box somewhere in my head. You know block out all the bad stuff so you can do your job.
That would be my guess. You've got a lot on your plate right now with the training/instruction you're giving. I think you might have put a priority on work. Subconsciously *I'll deal with that later*.
I'd be concerned when the *down* times comes.
They may never come...but chances are, they will.
I didn't either. Until about 6 months out and I had a dream and WH was with AP. Then I couldn't un-see it.
Now I have them every time WH and I have sex.
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
I never got the 'mind movies' thing either.
We all go through what we go through. One size does not fit all.
Your IC may be right. If so, then maybe this comes up later. But maybe not.
Be thankful for the smallest favors as you go through this mess.
Her: WW/57 Me: BS/63 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11
I would suggest ic. For me needed to be clear with myself. My fwh was remorseful, but turns out he is high functioning advertisers, it took time for him to get it aka what I needed to see for recovery. We were separated for three years.
Be grateful that you have the ability to push these thoughts out of your mind.
Both feet pointed forward; positive
My hope is that I taught myself then to stop them, I have a flash here and there but it is gone as quick as it comes. I have actually tried to picture them together and the picture never really comes together for me.
I am not scared of them at all, nothing could be worse than the mind movies and nightmares after the murder.
BS me 41
WH 42 his whore was my friend
Married 24 years
Finally finding R?
3 kids 3 grand kids
DDay 1 -Jan 2 2014
DDay 2 -Feb 20 2014 A went underground fo
She was understanding and just held onto me and said she was sorry. I kissed her and held her until she fell asleep.
(((Breezy))). I don't know the story about your son, but I'm sorry for you. While it does happen and all to frequently, no parent should have to bury a child.
I haven't asked for a lot of details about their sex acts. I'm wondering if I should and maybe I can understand it a little better. What do you all think?
I think I mentioned this in your other thread. Be careful. You can't *unknow* something. Be sure that is what you need to process. I did ask for all the details. Motherfuck were those some nasty images to deal with, but honestly in comparison to what I was able to imagine? Not nearly as bad.
Another issue is the honesty angle. Even if she is completely *honest* with you, the doubts will creep in. What if she decides to hold something back because she is afraid it will *hurt* you? She was pretty accomplished in lying before, why not now?
Eventually(months) down the road with a fairly consistent story(minus the IDK, IDR...she's a CSA survivor), I decided that the details were what they were. The sex acts were just that. Sex....with another man. Do the details really matter? Bigger, better, oral or anal? She went outside her vows. The woman I gave my heart and soul to didn't give a flying fig about me, just satisfying whatever need was within her and damn the consequences.
If you need them to process, you need them. She will have to do her best to provide them. I might suggest you have her write out two timelines. One detailing time and place, generic acts and emotions. The second, the detailed. Positions, acts, how and where he finished etc. Then you decide. Read the first one. Decide later on the second.
TBH, using the details, we were able to construct sex acts that are ours alone. I found that I didn't trigger as much that way. Later in the process, I was able to do the *other* acts *better* than POSER.
It's not an easy process brother. Sending strength.
ETA, in the I Can Relate Forum, there's a thread for Betrayed Men, come on down. It's a great place for letting it all hang out and getting an all male perspective. We also talk a lot about the important stuff....like beer! JK, it's a damn good place to meet damn fine men who happen to share pretty solid core values.
[This message edited by 5454real at 11:20 PM, April 10th (Thursday)]
That's a whole different conversation. Ask her. Have her describe her fantasies. Describe yours. Open the door to any and all things. Don't shut her down. Some might not be compatible with your world view, some might. And vice-versa.
Who knows, you might try something new and discover you like it. Open, honest communication is crucial.
Saw OM today. I stopped at my favorite watering hole for some wings and a couple of Sam Adams and there he was. I've been going there for 10 years and never saw him there and he always refused to go with me and the guys from work. Kind of wondering why he suddenly decided it was the place to be. Especially since he lives about 30 minutes away. POS was there with some young thing who I believe works as a dispatcher.
Got even though. Sent him a beer and told the bartender to tell him something. "Hey I want to thank you. You showed me what a stand up guy you are. I mean what kind of friend sleeps with his best friends wife if he isn't trying to teach him something. Oh and by the way, she may have BEEN yours at one time, but she is mine now." The bartender gave me a funny look but I tipped him ten bucks so he did it. The young lady looked shocked and just got up and walked away. POS glared and left right after her.
When I got home I wasn't in the best of moods. Told the wife what happened and she apologizes for me having to deal with this. I was kind of glad she did that and was supportive of me. It was childish I know but it made me feel good. Looking at his puny little self sitting there being all smug and trying to impress some mid twenties young lady just pissed me off. Payback is a b!tch.