As you know, I am going through a very difficult time in my life. For the past few months, I have distanced myself away from everyone in order for me to self-reflect and learn about myself. It did not take me very long to realize I am not happy and no one can make me happy. Happiness comes from within and right now I am searching for it. I portrayed my life as very put together and very perfect, when in all actuality, it is not. Behind closed doors, I am very broken and so not perfect. I am just a child still hiding from the hurt and pain that has been caused in my life. The past has created who I am today, but I will not let the past dictate who I want to be and who I will be in the future; a strong, smart, beautiful, worthy woman.
We grew up together and have shared many adventures together. I will always cherish those memories we have. Your friendship also has shaped me into who I am today. However, in order for me to change and continue on a healthy path, I must disconnect myself from those who may harm me. Sadly, I have come to a realization, that our relationship is very unhealthy and I cannot continue our friendship. I hope one day you will understand why I have chosen this path and learn to grow from it yourself. I know you are a strong young lady and one day I hope you too, can start your journey to find true happiness.
Today, I sent out this letter to one of my best friends. It hurt, but it needed to be done. I am working very hard to become a healthy, healed, and happy woman. It has made me realize this will not be the last letter that I will have to write. I will have to write a few more to those who are not friends of the relationship. Some to my family because they are triggers to me and are the ones who have caused the pain that I have held in for 23 years of my life. This is my first step to healing, removing the negativity out of my life.
I was wondering has anyone else had to remove the people you love out of your life because you were healing?
I Am Strong! I Am Beautiful! I Am Smart! I Am Worthy!
Simple answer? Yes. I have not yet fully extricated myself from my FOO, but it is coming. It has to.
Very recently an ultimatum of sorts was handed to me by my BH - "it's [him] or [my] mom." My relationship with my mum is extremely toxic. And I'm very conflicted about cutting her out of my life completely. I know I have to. I don't know if it has to be permanent or not. But it's coming.
Congratulations on your courage. Getting rid of the bad can be hard when there is some positive to go along with it. Keep on your journey.
I'm lucky in that my blood family is friends of the relationship and repudiated the affair when it came out---I could never cut them out of my life---all I have left are my mother and my brother. Thank God they are solid and supportive and not toxic.
Divorced and remarried to XBH
D-Day, June 10, 2012