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Mapper posted 4/10/2014 11:06 AM

Below is my original post here about 2 months ago if you want background. There has been no contact via anything with her (after I checked all Facebook, email, phone, text records)since his birthday in February. He has been lying off the hook to me in the past month and it's not just the Jen thing. He took 1 1/2 weeks off of work without pay and then went in because he knew I was angry at him for all the days off but after checking phone and bank records before work the day he went back I see he called in sick after he left, went 30 minutes out of his way to go have coffee and came home when he thought I'd be gone to work. I was livid and he continued to lie about how he went in and there was nobody there so he went for coffee 30 minutes south of work and then came home. Lied about how his coworker just texted him that he wasn't going in, lied about how he had planned on seeing his buddy near the coffee shop.

Now he's been off without pay all week again claiming he has back pain. Told me last night he was going for what is supposed to be a weekly phlebotomy for a condition he was just diagnosed, but this morning it dawned on me that he didn't go there and instead went to see his regular doctor so he could get a note to cover his days off because that is what he came thru the front door with last night. He is lying to me about a simple doctor's visit he's supposed to make!!

Now to make all things even better. I leave for work this morning right before 7AM. I asked him what he was going to do all day ( you know instead of go to work and make some money to help out!) and he said, go to physical therapy and do some gardening. I just checked our phone records and at 7:11 AM this morning he sent a text to Jen! I am livid!!! I know it's her because I memorized the last 4 digits of her number that I saw on his phone. Let me guess. He is asking if she wants to meet for lunch or even better he says he needs to go down and help his buddy on Saturday so maybe he's alerting her that he'd like to meet her for drinks that evening? No reply from her yet, but I'm sure there will be. No communication between them for 2 months and now this crap! I am FED UP with the lies and the excuses and the immediately jumping down my throat because I looked at his bank account! He blew a gasket because I looked at his bank acct, imagine if he knew I looked at all his personal stuff!Imagine if he knew I knew all about Jen. He thinks I'm clueless!

It took all the guts I had to admit to him I looked at his bank acct and saw he didn't go work. Being assertive like that freaked me out and I STILL couldn't be mad at him for more than an hour. I don't know how to be mad when I have absolutely every right to be! He turns everything around on me.

ORIGINAL POST: I don't know if this is the right forum for me as I haven't "just found out", but it seemed right.
Background on my situation. I have been with my husband for almost 10 years. We were together for 6 years before getting married. He is 46 and I am 42. About 20 years ago he asked a girlfriend to marry him. She turned him down..apparently she thought she could do better. Well they've remained in touch throughout all this time and I think they may have had a little back togetherness a few years before he met me, but I'm not exactly sure on those details. She lives about 40 minutes from where we do. Husband will bring up her name all the time for no reason like "I've had this jacket for over 20 years. I didn't really want this one but Jen thought it looked good" or "I never used to like this kind of food, but Jen introduced me to it". Things he says where there's no reason that he should have to add her name to the story. Even 3 years ago I accidently put this wool shirt of his in the washer and it shrank. The sleeves were already too short on it so it looked like it had been shrunk previously. He has a royal fit over it saying that it is a shirt that Jen's dad gave him and he's not upset because it had to do with her but because her dad thought enough of him to give it to him. He said Jen had shrunk it previous to that. He was so torn up over the shirt that I had to buy him an identical one for almost $100!

I snoop. He has no idea I snoop (or he would delete messages) but I do. I know his email password (he doesn't know I know it), I check our phone and text records online, he never logs out of Facebook on the laptop so I check that as well. I pretty much have all bases covered. He never emails her and the only time he ever calls her is when I'm gone for a long period or he is out without me (both of which are rare). I found messages on Facebook that were written 4 days before we got married. I didn't see them until after we got married but he had apparently ran into her when he was out for his bachelor party and she Facebooked him "Did you get my text" he says "no I don't have text enabled on my phone but do tell. It's the same old thing, can't get you out of my mind". Then she messaged "Great thanks for making me crazy. I was kind of hoping to see you again". Then it was sort of poo poo from her saying "I must have temporarily lost my mind. Go get married already. Do you need a ride to the airport?" He said no.

Within the past three years there's been a few messages on Facebook but he is always sending her little things that apparently only they would get on Facebook and is always liking this "I love Redheads" page and then forwarding things to her because she's a redhead. She never ever posts anything on his Facebook page and it's always through private messages. A year ago he went to visit a friend and I found out through a private message that he ran into her. Said it was nice to see her, but never mentioned to me that he ran into her even when I asked if he ran into anybody down there. There was a message on Facebook that he was going to ask her to dinner some night and a yes was expected. That never happened.

Well 2 weeks ago I met him down at a bar after he had a class. We left the bar at the same time to go home and it was snowing pretty good so roads were treacherous. I expected him to be home before me because he drives faster than I do. I got turned around and added an extra 10 minutes or so to my commute so when I got home and didn't see his car there I worried. I waited about 20 minutes and was just about to call him when he pulled in the driveway. In the back of my mind I was thinking 'I wonder if he drove by Jen's house", because I know she lives in the area we were in. Sure enough I check Facebook and he had sent a message to her of simply "hello" with no response. Check his phone and 3 minutes after he did that he had called her, apparently with no answer. He comes home and I asked why he was late and he said "Oh I was just driving around the neighborhood down there trying to sober up. I was going to go in and have a beer at this one bar I haven't been to in years but I drove by and nobody was there so I came home." So you were trying to sober up but you were going to stop and have a beer?? Yesterday was his birthday and all day I was just itching to get home and check his Facebook page on the laptop because I had bet anything that Jen had sent him a private birthday message. Sure enough, she had simply said happy birthday. Don't know why that couldn't have been posted on his page with everyone else saying happy birthday but it wasn't. Then I saw his response to that that said "I called you a couple of weeks ago. I was down in your area and wanted to see if you wanted to meet for a pint. I'll try again when I'm in the neighborhood". She responded with "I'd like that".

I am bursting at the seems to tell him I know all about his contacting her, but I can't. He would immediately accuse me of not trusting him (um yeah!) and then accuse me of spying on him and checking up on him when she's just a friend. Really? If she's just a friend then why don't you contact her when I'm with you? Why don't you try to see her when I'm with you? Why do you always happen to leave her out when mentioning what you were doing or what you did, even if you saw her by accident? He has always been so vehement about how his ex cheated on him and how awful it was and he would never do that. I don't know what to do. I know he will find a way to turn it all back on me and then I will question everything. If I ask why he never tells me about seeing her he'll go "We are just friends but I don't see any reason to tell you about it because it will just upset you but you have no reason to be upset. NOTHING is going on or ever would".

Lalagirl posted 4/10/2014 12:42 PM

((((Mapper))))

I don't know the history after the original post. Did you confront? Did he promise NC, IC, passwords, etc.?

If it were me, I'd start the 180 (for YOU), put his shit in Hefty bags, call Jen and tell her to come get his ass. Bet she'd throw his ass right under the bus.

brokenblackbird posted 4/10/2014 12:58 PM

Nothing changes until you make the decision to make the change.

Your husband is doing what he does and you are sitting back and watching it happen because you don't want to confront him. So he will continue to do what he does, you'll read his emails, visit his facebook, monitor his working days/bank account and still nothing will change.

It all stops when you say it stops. It is painful and it is not fair - but your husband isn't being true to you emotionally or physically. You can either accept that this is the state of your marriage or you can put your foot down. Your choice.

Mapper posted 4/10/2014 13:11 PM

No I didn't confront him about Jen. He has no clue I know anything about their occasional Facebook messages or the times he's tried to contact her when I'm not there. As far as he knows the only thing I know about her is what he's told me in the past about when they were together or when her name occasionally comes up.

Mapper posted 4/10/2014 13:14 PM

Just checked phone records and she texted him back at 10:52. I really need to know what was said! I WILL check on his phone when I get home...unless he doesn't leave it unattended or he erased the texts. This is the first I know of where he actually sent her a text. Otherwise it's always Facebook...or a call when I'm not around.

k9lover1 posted 4/10/2014 13:22 PM

Sounds like he's bored with being married. Give him his wish of being single again.

Mapper posted 4/10/2014 13:31 PM

Oh but all I ever hear is "I love you" "You've made me so happy" "Our happy little home" "We have a great life". He's always coming up behind me and putting his arms around me, holding my hand on the couch. If I didn't snoop, I wouldn't think there was anything going on.

brokenblackbird posted 4/10/2014 13:38 PM

Are you accepting of this? Because your actions show that you are.

So what if you know what was said in that conversation? If you aren't going to do anything about it then why even go to the trouble.

Look, it may sound harsh, but this is the state of things. Many here were blindsided by infidelity and very many did not have any idea based on our husband's demeanor, attitude, etc. Just because your husband holds your hand doesn't mean he doesn't have a girlfriend.

You should examine why you want to know and what you will do about it if it is true. If you aren't going to do anything, you are wasting your own time and energy focusing on it.

norabird posted 4/10/2014 13:59 PM

((((Mapper))))

You really need to discuss this with him honey. The job weirdness, the contact with the ex.

I really don't see that this relationship is giving you anything but grief. So it's time to change the terms. And if he can't step up to being responsible about his work and about you, what do you want next?

Mapper posted 4/11/2014 09:43 AM

So I got home and first checked his Facebook page for any private messages from Jen. Sure enough. She was actually the one to initiate the Facebook conversation. She said "Hi" He said "How's it going?" she said "Good, enjoying the nice weather" then he said "I'm on my way out the door to work" (which was total BS as he didn't go to work yesterday), but he ended the conversation with her. HOWEVER,I then check his phone to see what the texts were between them 3 minutes after he ended the Facebook conversation he texted her "What are you doing today?" She replied 4 hours later "Working". That was the end of the texts. I am guessing if she had said she had the day off that he would have replied with "Lets meet up for lunch" or something to that effect. He's going down to his buddy's place tomorrow to help him out with some stuff so we'll see if there are any texts to her about meeting up then as she lives down there.

Lalagirl posted 4/11/2014 09:49 AM

NC is NC. He's breaking it. No consequences and it will continue - and I guaran-damn-tee you it will escalate.

Hugs....

Sadmumma posted 4/11/2014 09:54 AM

((Mapper)) what a crappy place to be in. Document what you can.... Photograph the screens with your phone if you need to.

Mapper posted 4/21/2014 07:16 AM

So DH has had no contact with Jen since April 10, which hasn't even been 2 weeks, but I did my scan of his Facebook messages yesterday and I see a message to her saying "I can help you out with any car stuff you may need". Arrgh!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I then look at her Facebook page to see if she posted something publicly about needing car work done. She had posted that she took her car in and it needed $4,000 worth of work and she is looking for a new car. Her response to him is "Oh you are so sweet. I am actually car shopping this weekend but not rushing anything". He responded with "Let me know". Her response of "Oh you are so sweet" made me SO angry! I can just see this coy little smile on her face as she wrote it too!

shiloe posted 4/21/2014 08:25 AM

OK. What he is doing is wrong. No excuse. You need to go into stealth mode. Do not let him know what you know. You need to GPS his car. You can rent one from places like Brick house security.

Mapper posted 4/21/2014 09:39 AM

Well I'm not worried about NOT knowing if he goes to see her because I can discern everything I need to know about that from Facebook and texts. It hasn't happened yet where he's actually gone to see her, only talked about it. I so want to tell him I know all I know but that will involve a big blow up from him and changing all his passwords so I'll never know anything that's going on. He accused me of checking up on him when I caught him in a lie with his bank account so I no longer can look at that because he changed his password. He'll change his Facebook one if I tell him I look there. However he can't change the phone and text records one because we both are on that one.

RipsInMyChest posted 4/21/2014 10:11 AM

How is it ok for him to change his banking password?!

A marriage should not have secrets.

Gently, this will eventually go physical while you are secretly checking. I'd blow it up....

He needs to delete Facebook, give you any and ALL passwords, he needs to put firm boundaries in place with other women, and put a GPS on his phone for you.

NO going out to bars or with friends without you. No hanging on to memorabilia from his relationship with Jen. This guy is an A waiting to happen. Don't let it happen because you are afraid of a confrontation!

k9lover1 posted 4/21/2014 10:27 AM

Just remember you are making choices here as well as your WH is making choices.

Mapper posted 4/21/2014 11:38 AM

On top of this whole Jen thing he has also not been to work in over two weeks! Tells me he likes his job but can't handle the people. Has told me on 3 different occasions in the past week that he was going to work. Left the house and everything. However I check our phone records and every time he did that he called the attendance line shortly after leaving. There's no reason to call that line other than to call in sick. So he's basically going to hang out somewhere from 4:30 AM until I leave around 7AM and then coming home thinking he got me to believe he's going to work. I can't confront him on that either because I'm chicken shit. He will turn that situation around on me as well saying how I have a great job with great people whereas he has to work with idiots and people accusing him of doing things he's not doing. It will turn into a great big pity party for him.

Even when I catch him in a lie and have the guts to confront him he swears up and down that he will never do it again and how much grief it gave me, but it's all a lie. I don't know what to do. I tell him I can't pay for everything and he sympathizes but doesn't do a damn thing to correct it. So what happens when all this "working" he's been doing generates a $0 paycheck? How will he explain that to me??!

k94ever posted 4/21/2014 11:38 AM

Mapper.

What are you afraid of?

k9

Mapper posted 4/21/2014 12:10 PM

I don't know how to be angry or how to argue. Whenever I do get angry enough to tell him I know he's lied to me, I immediately feel bad and end up apologizing 30 minutes later. I apologize for HIM lying to ME! I've always tried to please people no matter what. I'd probably apologize to a drunken driver for hitting me when I should have obviously been taking more care into where I was going!