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WS broke no contact

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Khloe_2011 posted 4/10/2014 14:20 PM

Hi everyone, i havent posted in months but i wanted to get thoughts on my situation. In November, H got really drunk with his friend and i guess was really emotional and decided to call his OW. OW did not pick up the phone (phone bills shows only one minute) but the fact is is that he broke no contact and called her after his dday happened in 2008. He has confessed his love and divotion to me since, but i feel like this opened a wound and that she is just always going to be in my life. I am thinking of leaving bc this happened, however, he is focused on continuing our family and all of a sudden has had an epihany and is a changed man for the better of our family. I only think he is like that bc he knows im close to leaving. He has broken no contact at least 3x's (that i know of) and im at the point where i want to believe him, but after 3yrs if he still feels the need to contact her, then maybe i need to accept we will never move past this. Thanks everyone.

Tearsoflove posted 4/10/2014 14:33 PM

It's up to you. This would be a deal breaker for me. It indicates that he is still thinking about her regardless of how much effort he puts into the marriage while sober. It also indicates that he either has her number memorized, has it written down, or has it saved in his phone. It also indicates that when is drinking, he still makes poor choices that do not take your marriage into consideration.

Alcohol was the common denominator in every bad decision my husband made. Once I pointed out that every time he lost money, got in trouble with military police or higher ups, or slept with a piece of trash, he had been drinking and that he was the epitome of a good husband, soldier, father, and human being when he was not drinking, it really opened up his eyes. Because of that, he rarely drinks and doesn't go out without me.

Drunk or sober, if my husband makes any contact with either OW under any circumstances, I am done. I am so serious about it that my husband does not accept facebook friendships from friends of his who know her, even if she isn't on their friend list (he and the OW are former military so people are always looking him up that may or may not know her). This is not a requirement of mine, it is something he does to keep her from having any avenue into our life. If your husband is calling her, he is deliberately opening up avenues.

Tren0R201 posted 4/10/2014 15:03 PM

He'll call one day and she might pick up..then what?
It's kind of like the sword of Damocles hanging over your head, he might be a model husband but you'll always wonder if he's thinking about her or if he's tried to contact her. You're lucky she hasn't picked up..but one day she might.

Khloe_2011 posted 4/10/2014 16:50 PM

Do either of you think that if i stay with him that he wont contact her anymore or is it wishful thinking?

Tearsoflove posted 4/10/2014 20:32 PM

I think that unless he works on himself and figures out why he contacted her and is honest about it he will try to contact her again. Maybe it will be the next time he's drunk or when you have been sick for a week and he doesn't get the attention he wants. Without him doing real work, it is very likely to happen. People don't drunk dial numbers they haven't memorized. People don't drunk dial people they aren't thinking about.

brkn_heartd posted 4/10/2014 21:35 PM

Having broken 3 times is significant. Only you can decide if it is a deal breaker. In hind sight, I wished I would have left after his breaking no contact. While we are R now, I deep down really wonder if he would contact her again in the "right" circumstance. It will forever haunt me.

If he had broken more than once, I would have walked away. My issue is that he knew how bad I hurt, but yet broke NC anyway and deliberately. I limped through once...but will not again.

Oftencheatedon posted 4/10/2014 21:50 PM

Some men cannot seem to let go.

I am NOT an OW, but the man I was engaged to married another woman a month before our wedding. My first betrayal.

To be honest I was glad to be rid of him after I got over the shock. We'd broken up countless times in the previous 4 years and he'd been caught cheating once - turns out there were many others I never knew about.

But the man has continued to stalk me for over 40 years! I have NEVER given him one inch of encouragement as I find him repulsive.

Some times it's been 2-3 years and often I've moved across the country but he's managed to track me down.

I feel so sorry for his wife. She's put up with his cheating (not with me ever) for decades now. People that I know that know him say he is a horrible person and husband.

I escaped that bullet.

good luck with what ever you decide to do.

awoel88 posted 4/10/2014 22:10 PM

I think the point at which you decide that you have had enough is different for everyone.. for me personally, I think this would be a deal breaker. Can you truly R while WS is still trying to contact OW? I don't think so. I don't have any answers for you, but I'm sending you strength to decide what's best for you and your kids.

plewpiter posted 4/10/2014 23:06 PM

My WW has broken NC, lied about it, but when she found out that I knew for a fact she had been in contact, she admitted it, but with the caveat that she was doing nothing wrong since it wasn't anything romantic they were talking about. She doesn't understand the fact (and I have explained this repeatedly) that the thought of him having any sort of contact with her drives me nuts. She works with him, and they have some business contact, but I've made it clear that anything personal is way off limits until she finds a new job and can do full NC.

The worst part is the lying. Lies get us here in the first place. Lies, especially relating to the OP, will only send us backwards, and possibly end us. She has not been careful with my heart and my trust. When the WS still feels like they can play by his/her own rules, then it's a major problem. It's one I'm still trying to figure out how deal with. I'm seeing the solution now, for us, is that she needs IC to sort herself out and figure out why she can't help herself and just lies without batting an eye. As you know, you can't live like that as the person that is lied to, and never knows if the words coming out of your most cherished one's mouth will be lies. I'm in a constant state of suspicion, one year out.

Khloe_2011 posted 4/16/2014 10:10 AM

Thank you all for your responses. For me, I definitely felt like it was a deal breaker much like most of you. He has broken NC god knows how many times with his OW and I think it was bc he never thought I would have the strength to leave him, so he did whatever he wanted with no repercussions. Last night, he brought up MC and while I don't think it will work I feel like I owe it to my children to at least try it. He said he didn't understand why after 5 months of his breaking NC that I am finally realizing I am done. To him it makes no sense and it isn't worth breaking up our family and relationship for. He just doesn't get it. He doesn't understand how detrimental it was to our marriage, and for it to happen time after time 3yrs out is just like enough is enough. I haven't been intimate with him in over a month and yesterday I finally decided to give in and there just wasn't any passion left and I really just did it bc he was annoying me with it. He said he is now a completely changed man and losing me is something he doesn't want and he will never contact her again bc now he knows I wont tollerate it. And my response is "why now"? Why did it take me being completely over my relationship for him to realize I am who he wants to be with forever? Is this really worth investing more of my years in when all this time I thought was a honest R is really false R? Sorry for the rant, but I am just so frustrated that he is guilting me of not being able to be strong enough to keep our family together and I told him the reason why I didn't ask him for a divorce after I found out 5 months ago is bc I was in complete denial and tried my best to downplay his breaking NC bc I love him and I want my kids to have a family.

1Faith posted 4/16/2014 10:20 AM


He has broken no contact at least 3x's (that i know of) and im at the point where i want to believe him

Logically, why would you believe him? His actions are proof that you can't and deep down I think you know this.

NC is NC. There is contact. What were the consequences if he broke NC? If you don't follow through they consequences are empty threats. Deep down your WH knows this.

Is this really worth investing more of my years

Only you can answer that. IMO, two people can work at anything but they both have to want it and demonstrate they want it by their actions and their words. Not manipulation.

I love him and I want my kids to have a family.

Completely understandable. Think, however, the example you are setting for your children. To tolerate and put up with disrespect at any cost.
A healthy single family environment is better than an unhealthy married family environment.

You deserve honesty, truth and respect. Good luck.

Khloe_2011 posted 4/16/2014 10:33 AM

Faith--your right thank you. The weird thing about him is he thinks a "im sorry" is going to cut it. Like, it means something now. I was always afraid to leave him and he knew this and that is why i think he continued to do what he does bc of this. He doesnt even feel like he disrespects me. My thing is even though i was strong enough to tell him i want a divorce he starts throwing tantrums like a baby and gets me to feel sorry for him bc in the past i have always conforted him. I hate seeing him cry and he knows that.

Althea posted 4/16/2014 11:52 AM


I went through false R for a few months and when I finally realized it, it was like I died inside. I was numb. I would say this: First, if this is a deal breaker (and it would be for many of us) don't let him or you guilt you into staying. Second, if you do decide to give it another shot I would suggest coming up with a firm list of boundaries or demands that must be met in order for you to hold off on divorce. A marriage contract. Print it out, post it up, and refer to it daily. What would the marriage of your dreams look like? Don't settle for less. If it is too much for him, and he complains, you will know he is not rally interested in changing. Even if you take this step, you are not committing to staying married, only to holding off on divorce for a period. I gave it 6 months, and then reevaluated.

Furious1 posted 4/16/2014 13:38 PM

I think what would concern me more than anything is that he doesn't understand how breaking contact is hugely disrespectful of you and the fact that you have given him the chance to be the husband he should have been all along. I would be greatly bothered by the fact that he doesn't see breaking contact with someone he cheated on you with as grounds for divorcing him. To me, this is a slap in the face after all you have done to give him another chance. Not just once, but at least three times and after all of that hard work??

I think I would be calling him out more in his disrespect of you and your hard work than the actual contact itself. And for not understanding why you are wanting a divorce now, perhaps it's more because he hasn't shown remorse for trying to contact OW in those five months, hasn't done or changed anything to make it right by you, and refuses to acknowledge how damaging his attempt to contact OW truly was to both you and the M. How can you move past something that he keeps throwing back into your lives over and over?

I truly understand wanting to make things work, but I'm just not seeing his desire for anything other than having you put up with just a little bit more.

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