My counsellor lit a fire under my ass on Tuesday and I came home and asked him all the hard questions. For the first time I made him talk about Her and the A. I asked questions like 'What future did you promise her? What happens to me?' As I've mentioned before I need him for immigration so I spelled it out clearly exactly why he needs to think about The Future and stop saying "I don't know". I called him a selfish coward, an abusive partner, a deplorable creature. I could go into details of how awesome I was at FINALLY forcing him to see what consequences his choices are having, but just trust me when I say I said everything I needed to say from the first DDay.
I told him repeatedly, "I know you're still seeing her. I know you've been lying. I have evidence. Your family has seen it as well."
I asked him what happened, why he thought sleeping with another woman was in any way a proper reaction to what happened, etc.
I wasn't expecting answers. I was just putting the questions out there. Even the answers I did get, I didn't put much stock in because he'll still want to justify/ignore things. But I was able to say a lot of things I'd been wanting to say. Even if he ignores the truths behind it, at least I said it and he can have those words in his head.
In the end, I sent him into the most massive panic attack I've ever seen him have. I got his sister on speaker phone to help us calm him. She was gentle, but she was saying a lot of the same stuff - about how his AP (his ex) has always been poison and always used him and turned him into a selfish lying man, which is why his family told him years ago she's not good for him, and why he moved on in the first place.
We didn't get sleep because he was having a complete breakdown - watching his fantasy world crumble into little bits, I imagine, while also having to face who he had become and what he'd done. Poor baby
"I hate myself, I hate who I've become. I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I don't want to be here. I hate myself. Why am I like this? I'm so sorry, so sorry."
Yes, you're right, it's still Regret. And it's him still playing the Victim card. But it has more emotion behind it than I've seen in a while.
We went to his parents early the next morning (Wednesday) when I realised he was never going to calm down.
I went about my day and did my own thing. I stayed away. Found out later from his parents that WH admitted to both of them that he'd still been seeing AP. They screamed at him. "She makes you a disgusting person, always has." Etc etc. He went to AP that night and told her to stay away - well, I don't know exactly what he said. But I'll worry about a NC letter later if he ever defogs. I'm aware that this wasn't 100% of his own volition, it was more him realising that there's no future and he HAS to cut her out. So I know he still 'wants' her, but it seems his fantasy is finally crumbling and he has to face reality FINALLY for first time since November.
He just stopped by with his dad though. Packed his bags and is staying with his parents until further notice. That really hurt. Why does it hurt even though it's what I want? I wanted space. I wanted temporary separation. I've been in such a negative environment with him around, I'm so glad I get a week, maybe two or more, of him NOT AROUND.
I want this! Why does it still hurt? I hate that he was taking his anger out on me - stomping about packing a bag, not looking at me, tensed jaw, said nothing to me. He's treating me and his sister similarly because we're the ones who won't mollycoddle him. He's a child. But hopefully, after a week or two of being babysat and treated like a child, he'll realise what a child he's been acting like for months and get the hell over himself.
Now I can go about my days without letting him stomp in and saying something in a mean way and ruin my day, or lie about sneaking away to see her. I can use this time to detach. I'm going to go NC as far as possible.
I've seen more spine in jellyfish.
Nov-?? A with his Ex
EA DDay: 31 Jan, I moved to in-laws
PA DDAY: 23 Feb
DDay 3: 13 May. Back in A.
9 Mar: I moved back. A went underground.
9 Apr: He moved into parents.
14 Apr: Me NC with WH.