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Just don't know where I am at...

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myeverafter posted 4/10/2014 14:55 PM

I don't know if it because I finally have a chance to think again or not. Or if I am on the Plain of Lethal Flatness or what.

It is now almost 9 months past DD. The affair was going on strong last year at this time. Our 10th anniversary is coming up next week. Last year, we went out for dinner and spent the evening with OW, her BS, her mom and kids. We spent A LOT of time with OW, her BS, and kids last year in general. At least, our kids have stopped asking about their family.

I haven't even really brought up our anniversary. I guess part of it is because I still don't know where or what our marriage is. I tried my wedding ring on for the first time since DD, and it fit now, but I can't wear it. (It was too tight for a long time. Maybe because it was supposed to be a sign of his love and FAITHFULNESS to me.

Next week, I am taking the kids to my parents for Easter and leaving early the morning of our anniversary. wFH has to work nights, so we wouldn't be going out anyways.

He is "doing" everything to make things easier around the house, but I still don't know. January - March is normally the busiest part of work for me every year. He was a rock star this year. But then I think of last year which was when the affair was happening... It is still bothering me on how much he gaslighted and shifted blame on me to really believe him now.

And you know I don't know how much to believe from him in general. I am still afraid that I haven't asked the right questions. He still have never offered anything that I haven't asked a question too. What question am I not asking?

In a month, I am going on the annual guys trip with him. But I don't know if he still sees that I am not one of the guys. It is going to hurt to know that OW's BS went with last year. And I spent time with OW and her son going to movies with our son on the week the guys were gone.

Maybe it is because I haven't cried in weeks. Or the fact we haven't been to MC since February. I put everything about the A on the back burner so I could just deal with work, kids, etc.

Morhurt posted 4/11/2014 10:31 AM

Ugh, it's such a roller coaster, isn't it? I'm in the middle of Antiversary season right now and it has so many ups and downs.
One thing that stuck out for me in your post was when you talked about asking the right questions. I went through that exactly. I still ask but I'm starting to feel less desperate about it. One thing that helped was to be really honest about this fear with him.
((hugs))

deena04 posted 4/12/2014 12:45 PM

I am sorry; this whole thing sucks. No one should have to endure this. I don't know what to say other than I'm sorry, you've been heard, and many of us (me, too) are up and down constantly. This month is hard for me, too, and keeping busy keeps me sidetracked somewhat. It doesn't completely help, though.

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