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Do I tell him I'm seeing an attorney

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LeftOutintheCold posted 4/10/2014 15:05 PM

Okay, I'm just over a month out with no new news from my WH about anything. I just outed the A to the OBS yesterday. Now, there isn't any more secrecy for the A.

My WH refuses to let me talk to him about how I feel, what has happened, or how things are going to be played out. I actually am working on week 2 of the 180 so I haven't done any of what I just mentioned during this time frame. I plan on continuing the 180 as I am finding I don't hurt nearly as bad as when I have ANY interaction with him.

However, I've been reading a lot of posts on the boards here on SI and everyone seems to generally advocate telling the WS that you are going to see an attorney. I see it used as a tool to draw a line in the sand that you are fed up with the fence sitting and are ready to move on.

I honestly don't know if my WH is fence sitting or just genuinely ignoring me because he is too much of a coward to deal with the mess he's made. Either way, I'm sick of sitting around here wondering what the hell is going to happen next. I have an appt with an attorney in just over a week so that I can try to find out more about my actual rights and what I can do in this situation.

I know this is still early since Dday, and honestly, I still have some (SOME) small hope of R, but every day that goes by, I don't see anything that gives me any indication that R is going to happen. I just see me sitting here in this house feeling completely at his mercy and timetable and I hate it. I WANT to make that change. I want control back.

So, do I tell him about my upcoming appointment or do I just keep it to myself?

tearingaway posted 4/10/2014 15:18 PM

If you are doing the 180, then there is no need to inform him of your plans.

I disagree with other members of SI advocating that you should tell your WS.

From a strategical standpoint, keep it to yourself. If he learns that you are consulting an attorney, then he might start doing things that will be difficult for you to manage (raiding bank accounts, hiding assets, making threats, and so on). Go to your attorney, do what your attorney says, and keep yourself safe.

There are other ways to draw the line in the sand, but the fact is that drawing that line is more drama than it's worth. Just quietly lay your plans, do the 180, and take care of your own needs. If you manage to truly R, then you can stand down. Until that point, however, you are better off getting organized for a possible future without your WH.

5454real posted 4/10/2014 15:29 PM


I am not really sure what other posts you have read, but never tell your wandering spouse that you are going to see an attorney. I believe the general consensus is that you need to consult with as many attorneys as possible in order to try to lock your wandering spouse out from using them. if he finds out, he may try to file first.

short answer, don't tell.

UndecidedinMA posted 4/10/2014 15:31 PM

I would not tell but for strategic reasons. Frankly find the most ruthless D attorneys in your area & get free consults with all of them. He cannot use any attorney you consult with so lessen his shark pool.

tushnurse posted 4/10/2014 15:44 PM

OH HELL NO you DO NOT TEll him.
I advocate for every new WS to see one, but not to tell their WS they are doing it.

I also advocate for you to get STD tested no matter what they tell you the relationship was, EA/PA/ Used protection/didn't. It's a matter of being proactive and protecting yourself.

I know it seems weird to not share what you are doing for yourself, but they quit caring about you, and quit earning the right to know what you are doing the first time they lied to you. And even if you do R, it's time to protect yourself. FOREVER.

Financially after Dday I hid money, I had seen an Attorney, the best in the county. I had my own secrets, and when it came to R. I told him..."You spent months and months flat out lying to me every day. I am all in on R, but I have to protect myself from now on, so I will have some of my own secrets going forward, until you prove to be trustworthy. "

It took about 2 years for me to share everything with him.

norabird posted 4/10/2014 15:45 PM

I have not generally seen it advised that you inform a wayward of this. To protect yourself, he should not know.

He can find out if and when he is served.

Did he give you a choice or heads up when he cheated? No.

Merlin posted 4/10/2014 15:47 PM

Since he won't talk to you at all about how you feel, he'll understand better when he's served.

So get the papers drawn up and delivered.

LeftOutintheCold posted 4/10/2014 15:50 PM

Okay, thanks everyone. Maybe I was misreading what I was seeing. My first inclination is the same as what you all are saying - it's not his business what I do with my life now. I will keep on with that!

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