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IC and MC advice?

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Springanew posted 4/10/2014 15:30 PM

Should my IC be the same as our MC? Can he be? And what about my BS? Can he go to our MC individually? I've read mixed things on is...and feel differently as well. I see here most recommend they be different but I kind of feel the MC and IC should be the same so they have the full picture and the goal is the same in the end. To heal as individuals and hopefully as a couple. Any views are appreciated.

BrokenButTrying posted 4/10/2014 15:39 PM

BH and I made the mistake of rushing straight to MC a few weeks after Dday. Needless to say it didn't work and BH decided not to come any more. Now she's my IC and she's fab.

For me, I've found it helps that my IC has met BH and knows a bit about him. He came to 3 or 4 sessions and she mainly spoke to him so she got a good feel for him. It's helped massively with my own IC.

Merlin posted 4/10/2014 15:51 PM

IC and MC should be different professionals.

How is it not a conflict of interest to be counselor to one of the parties in a marriage counseling situation?

Skan posted 4/10/2014 18:20 PM

What my FWH and I did, was to sign an agreement that our ICs and MC could share with each other and if something big came up, could seek each other out if needed. It helped that his IC and our MC worked in the same medical group.

I'm of mixed feelings about the IC/MC being the same person. On one hand, it would be convenient as that person would be getting both people POV individually and as a couple. On the other hand, after our MC "graduated" us, I ended up going back to him as an IC because of some almost lethal TT and I don't know that he'd be willing to MC both of us again since my FWH lied to him.

heforgotme posted 4/11/2014 06:48 AM

We use the same person, but I think in general this is inadvisable. And honestly, I think MCs should refuse to do it. It's almost like a conflict of interest.

somethingremorse posted 4/11/2014 08:18 AM

What my FWH and I did, was to sign an agreement that our ICs and MC could share with each other and if something big came up, could seek each other out if needed.

Same for me. We started MC, and had our MC recommend a IC for me. I understand that might not be standard, but it has worked out OK.

I wouldn't mind BW doing some IC with our MC. That is because her IC in that context would be how to deal with triggers, doubts, all of the problems my A caused. I think that would be appropriate because, IMO, that really is MC -- it's just dealing with half of the M at a time.

authenticnow posted 4/11/2014 15:18 PM

We used the same for both. I started with a different one for IC and BH used another one for IC and our MC. After my final TT we decided to use the one H used for everything because she knew our story well and she had both our best interests very much at heart. She said to me that she would not keep secrets and anything I said to her was fair game so if I'm not on board it wouldn't work.

At that point I was finally being 100% truthful and we all had a really good chemistry so I dove in. It worked very well for us.

Wodnships posted 4/11/2014 15:24 PM

How is it not a conflict of interest to be counselor to one of the parties in a marriage counseling situation?

It's not a conflict of interest if the best interest of the individual and the situation are the same. It is a conflict of interest if they are in opposition.

To me in most cases what is best for the individual is also best for the marriage. Unless the relationship is toxic.

At the end of the day you have to decide what you are comfortable with.

My wife and I went to see someone for MC and she suggested that we both go to IC for a while first. I'm done with IC and my wife is still in IC. We are meeting shortly for another MC sessions. All the same woman, but the goals of all the sessions have been the same.

Springanew posted 4/11/2014 18:00 PM

All good stuff....thanks everyone..keep me coming!

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