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Newest Member: sadstrawberry (46003)

User Topic: Struggling to keep the course
soosorrymom
♀ 24046
Member # 24046
Stop  Posted: 3:45 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Been lerking on SI since DDay 4 months ago.
We are in house seperated and I have spent last 4 months trying to start to make up for the pain and damage I have caused . I have come out of the fog . Reading everything I can in IC and trying to be there for my BS. I am going out of my way to do everything I can an show I want to R.

Since we are in house seperated BS tells me I can do what I please . I do not because building trust is most important to me . Things seemed to be progressing or so I thought until I recently found out BS had been texting another woman .
I know I have no right to be upset . I now feel only fraction of te pain I caused him . However I am struggling with the fact that I am trying yo do everything to R and he is giving me mixed signals . My guess is he is looking out for himself now but I feel like we are taking a step backwards. Just when we started communicating he shuts down an turns elsewhere .

I' know I have to stay the course but hard watching him sit there texting right in front of me and not get upset


me- FWS 40
Him- FBS 42
Married 13 years together 22years
2 amazing kids 12 & 8
DDay May 2008

Posts: 70 | Registered: May 2009
20WrongsVs1
♀ 39000
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 3:52 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You have a right to be upset.

Nothing justifies an affair. Not. Even. Your spouse. Cheating. First.

Nothing!

So, don't beat yourself up for feeling hurt over your husband's actions. If he cheats on you, that is 100% on him. Just like your cheating was 100% on you.

Have you talked to him about the texting with OW? If so, what does he say? If not...what does he say about it?

Your infidelity may have been a deal-breaker for him. If so, he should be honest with you and file for divorce. As sucky as it is for a BS, he has a choice. He can reconcile or divorce. If he cheats on you, he is *no better* than you. You have every right to feel as hurt, as devastated, as he did...if he cheats on you too.

Two (or 20) wrongs don't make a right.


fWW: 42
BH: 52
DDay: April 21, 2013
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1260 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
BrokenButTrying
♀ 42111
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 3:58 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know I have no right to be upset

Hold it right there missy. You may be a wayward but you have every right to be upset by this.

You are still married and living in the same house (the separation is irrelevant in this) he has started up a relationship with another woman and is carrying it out right in front of you. That is wholly inappropriate.

Two wrongs do not make a right. If he is using your A as an excuse for this then he is very, very deluded. If he cheats (I would say he is already) then that's on him and is absolutely nothing to do with you. In the same way your A is nothing to do with him.

Point him in the direction on the MH thread in the ICR forum, it will show him the destructive path he is about to walk down.
You cannot control his actions but you can control yourself. Look after yourself and your kids.

Sending strength.

[This message edited by BrokenButTrying at 4:02 PM, April 10th (Thursday)]


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - Jan 2010 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1270 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
Aubrie
♀ 33886
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 5:40 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You do have a right to be upset. Don't discount or push aside your feelings. That's what got some of us here in the first place.

If the seperation is intent to D, he's technically fair game. However, if seperation is in "I don't knowww" phase, he has no business confiding with another woman. Get out of the M, then get a piece.

I know it sounds hypocritical coming from a WW. But c'mon. We've walked this path. We know the drill. His cheating doesn't have to do with you anymore than your cheating had to do with him not taking the garbage out every night.

After Dday, my husband was shredded. He was mentally tempted to "get back" at me. But he did the opposite. He was very open and honest with me. He guarded himself. He made sure he was never alone with a woman. He made sure I knew if he was talking to the designers he was dealing with.

He didn't allow my actions to impact his integrity.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne


Posts: 6527 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
soosorrymom
♀ 24046
Member # 24046
Default  Posted: 6:03 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We are def in the I don't know stage. He said he wanted 6 months for us both to decide . The first few weeks after D day he had considered revenge affair and we later talked about . He said he decided not to because that's not him and didn't want to set bad example for kids like I did. Things seemed to get better we were even intimate for first time since D day then last week every thing changed .
He is in IC as am I but not sure why te sudden change .
It just hurts and I feel like I am trying so hard and he won't even open up and communicate. Now
I'm planning to bring it up tomorow when kids aren't around


me- FWS 40
Him- FBS 42
Married 13 years together 22years
2 amazing kids 12 & 8
DDay May 2008

Posts: 70 | Registered: May 2009
Actionsoverwords
♂ 41949
Member # 41949
Default  Posted: 9:17 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As WSs, we don't realize a lot of the pain that suffering that we have caused. We think we have an idea, but we don't. My BW is the kindest, compassionate, and mild-mannered person in the world next to Mother Theresa. When she found out about my sexual acting out with pornography, prostitutes, and affair, she still was trying to help ME fight my issues. Of course, me being a liar, cheat, manipulator and all around bad husband, continued to act out and when she found out for the umpteenth time, she reacted in ways that I would NEVER have believed unless I saw it with my own eyes.

I am not placing blame on you because what he is doing is not excused by what you did in the past. What I am saying is that your BH is hurting and confused, hence the mixed signals. Are you guys in MC? Did something trigger him? Do you know of his triggers?

Maybe you can share SI with him if he is not already here and maybe he can find some advice and guidance? I think that at least is a worth a shot and maybe he will see that you care about his well being healing and he will knock it off with what he is doing?


Me: WH, 30's
Her : BW, 30's, (determinata)
Children: An amazing son.
I am a sex addict, working on myself, and facing the wreckage of my actions.



Posts: 309 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New York City
soosorrymom
♀ 24046
Member # 24046
Default  Posted: 6:48 PM, April 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We are both on IC but not MC he said he isn't ready for that yet. I know the pain I caused him so great and know he is hurt and confused . I want to be there for him and help him start to heal .
We talked some this morning and he said he felt the only way for me to see the damage I did was for him to do same to me .i don't think he will actually have an A but think he needed validation that he is worthy .

He is planning a vacation alone and I'm hoping that helps him. Although he said he is selling his wedding ring to pay for it . That really hurts but I understand it now has no meaning to him . He said if we ever R then he would get new one.

I have caused him so much pain I wish I could turn back hands of time and make different choices . Since I can't I can only try and be a better person now . I'm trying to learn to communicate better since I feel that was one outa in problems .


me- FWS 40
Him- FBS 42
Married 13 years together 22years
2 amazing kids 12 & 8
DDay May 2008

Posts: 70 | Registered: May 2009
Actionsoverwords
♂ 41949
Member # 41949
Default  Posted: 10:39 PM, April 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We are both on IC but not MC he said he isn't ready for that yet. I know the pain I caused him so great and know he is hurt and confused . I want to be there for him and help him start to heal .

You are doing what you can to help your BS heal. Support him and continue talking to him. I know that it is easier said than done, but as WS, it is our responsibility to be there for our spouses. I regret all of the times I have been angry and resentful towards my wife. As she aptly put it one day, "You get mad at me and treat me like shit and yell at me because you're upset? Look at all of the things that you have done to me. What have I done to you, but throw a few things and yell?"

We talked some this morning and he said he felt the only way for me to see the damage I did was for him to do same to me .i don't think he will actually have an A but think he needed validation that he is worthy .

He is hurting and he is saying things that he thinks will help. But it is not about revenge if R is the ultimate goal (which I know you said he was not clear about). Two rights don't make a wrong and it will not help anything.

He is planning a vacation alone and I'm hoping that helps him. Although he said he is selling his wedding ring to pay for it . That really hurts but I understand it now has no meaning to him . He said if we ever R then he would get new one.

I have caused him so much pain I wish I could turn back hands of time and make different choices . Since I can't I can only try and be a better person now . I'm trying to learn to communicate better since I feel that was one outa in problems .

It takes two to tango. I am not saying either of you are at fault or no fault. I'm just saying we are all people and sometimes have difficulty communicating, hearing, or both.

Have you read the book, How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair, by Linda MacDonald?


Me: WH, 30's
Her : BW, 30's, (determinata)
Children: An amazing son.
I am a sex addict, working on myself, and facing the wreckage of my actions.



Posts: 309 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New York City
soosorrymom
♀ 24046
Member # 24046
Default  Posted: 7:34 AM, April 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes I have read how to help your spouse heal and am reading not just friends now . I am trying to do everything I can to support him .
Just hard while I know he is texting OW .
Maybe he is right I am feeling a fraction of the pain I caused him. How horrible it feels . I can't believe I did this to him . I feel like peice of crap .
I am trying not to be angry knowing he is texting OW because I have no right but hard to go out of my way to be nice and supportive at same time .
It's very hard and confusing
I see IC on wed hopefully that will help .
Mean time I will continue to support and do what I can .


me- FWS 40
Him- FBS 42
Married 13 years together 22years
2 amazing kids 12 & 8
DDay May 2008

Posts: 70 | Registered: May 2009
Topic Posts: 9

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