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Newest Member: LettinggoMoveon (46015)

User Topic: In Limbo
appletoo
♀ 42948
Member # 42948
Default  Posted: 3:56 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I want to make it very clear that I understand his response is a consequence to my actions.

But, it has been nearly two years since DDay. I have told him everything, multiple times, I moved across the country, I have given him access to everything (passwords, accounts, my phone) and even deleted my facebook page and joined with him for nearly two years so that he would know I wasn't talking to anyone.

I understand that he has every right to be mad for years to come, but what I am having trouble with is that he will not talk to me about it, for the past two years he has just ignored it, minus yelling at me and calling me names every couple of months and of course the week long silent treatment. He hasn't been willing to go to counseling, and has informed me he no longer knows if he wants to be with me and that he doesn't know if he loves me. Of course, I love him so I am hanging around at his beck and call.

I have done everything I can and will continue to do so because it is my responsibility, but even though I broke this relationship alone, I can't fix it alone, and I don't know why he is with me if he isn't willing to try.

I just don't know what more I can do? Sorry for the mean venting post, I just don't know what to do.

[This message edited by appletoo at 4:04 PM, April 10th (Thursday)]


Posts: 16 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: United States
BrokenButTrying
♀ 42111
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 4:07 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Limbo is awful, I'm there too so I feel your pain.

Apart from the complete transparency you mentioned, what else have you been doing? Have you been to IC, figured out your 'why', worked on yourself?

You're right, you can't fix your marriage by yourself, I would go as far as to say it can't be fixed, you have to start again and build a new marriage. Once a BS decides to R they need to take responsibility for their own healing and also do their bit to rebuild the marriage but even in R, the majority of the work is the WS' responsibility.

The reason your BH is still in limbo might be because he can't see you putting in enough effort. You've blown up your marriage, destroyed it all and now you're telling him he needs to help fix it? Why should he do that if he doesn't feel safe, if he can't see you putting in 200%?

[This message edited by BrokenButTrying at 4:11 PM, April 10th (Thursday)]


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - Jan 2010 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1270 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
appletoo
♀ 42948
Member # 42948
Default  Posted: 7:03 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have gone to counseling, SA impacted me, no excuse, but it is what led to this awful situation.

I don't know what more I can do, any ideas? I've asked him what more I can do and he said nothing. He said its not what I am doing now, but what I did. Unfortunately, I can't fix that.

I am willing to accept as much responsibility as I can. I want to do everything and anything I can, but I don't know what that is.

Dear BS-- I put up the stop sign because I am terrified what you have to say. But I need to know from your point of view what I can do. Please feel free to post.

[This message edited by appletoo at 8:02 PM, April 10th (Thursday)]


Posts: 16 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: United States
wifehad5
♂ 15162
Member # 15162
Red  Posted: 7:34 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

appletoo,

I've asked for the Administrators to remove the Stop Sign. BS's are not to post until it is removed.

Thank you,


FBH - 42
FWW - 43 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 7&12

The people you do your life with shape the life you live


Posts: 37845 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
metamorphisis
♀ 12041
Member # 12041
Red  Posted: 8:10 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stop sign removed. This thread now open to BS replies.



“We don't see things as they are; we see them as we are.”... Anais Nin

Posts: 45383 | Registered: Sep 2006
Aceofbase
♂ 42458
Member # 42458
Default  Posted: 8:28 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think we need more information. How long was the "A"? Was it a former friend? How long has it been since you told the whole truth? How long have you been remorseful?

Do you think you can get him to read a book?

(((Appletoo)))


DD: 12/18/2013
Status: R

Happiness is a choice.


Posts: 141 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: USA
Aceofbase
♂ 42458
Member # 42458
Default  Posted: 8:28 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think we need more information. How long was the "A"? Was it a former friend? How long has it been since you told the whole truth? How long have you been remorseful?

Do you think you can get him to read a book?

(((Appletoo)))


DD: 12/18/2013
Status: R

Happiness is a choice.


Posts: 141 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: USA
Aceofbase
♂ 42458
Member # 42458
Default  Posted: 8:28 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think we need more information. How long was the "A"? Was it a former friend? How long has it been since you told the whole truth? How long have you been remorseful?

Do you think you can get him to read a book?

(((Appletoo)))


DD: 12/18/2013
Status: R

Happiness is a choice.


Posts: 141 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: USA
appletoo
♀ 42948
Member # 42948
Default  Posted: 8:58 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The EA lasted about 2 months, it had 2 physical incidents. It was a co-worker.

I was horribly remorseful immediately.

Unfortunately, the OM made repeated comments that he would end his life if I stopped talking to him so it took about two weeks after my BH asked me to stop talking to him until I did.

Then I quit my job and we left the state.

I told the whole truth probably a year ago. He told me he doesn't care and won't ask anymore questions because he doesn't think I am being honest.

I do not believe he would read any books.


Posts: 16 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: United States
Aceofbase
♂ 42458
Member # 42458
Default  Posted: 10:21 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

They everyone heals at different rate. I would say that you are one year into this because ever new revelation it brings the trauma back.

Can you get him to read a book with you? I believe the book is how to heal from my affair. It is very short.

Sorry should have asked earlier. Are or did you get IC?


DD: 12/18/2013
Status: R

Happiness is a choice.


Posts: 141 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: USA
Aceofbase
♂ 42458
Member # 42458
Default  Posted: 10:22 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

They everyone heals at different rate. I would say that you are one year into this because ever new revelation it brings the trauma back.

Can you get him to read a book with you? I believe the book is how to heal from my affair. It is very short.

Sorry should have asked earlier. Are or did you get IC?


DD: 12/18/2013
Status: R

Happiness is a choice.


Posts: 141 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: USA
Aceofbase
♂ 42458
Member # 42458
Default  Posted: 10:22 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

They everyone heals at different rate. I would say that you are one year into this because ever new revelation it brings the trauma back.

Can you get him to read a book with you? I believe the book is How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful. It is very short.

Sorry should have asked earlier. Are or did you get IC?

[This message edited by Aceofbase at 10:29 PM, April 10th (Thursday)]


DD: 12/18/2013
Status: R

Happiness is a choice.


Posts: 141 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: USA
awoel88
♀ 42641
Member # 42641
Default  Posted: 10:43 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If he is still with you, then you know some part of him still wants it to work. He might not be able to say I love you, and he might not even be sure he still does... but the fact that he hasn't left yet means there's something keeping him around.

Just keep going. Tell him you love him, tell him how sorry you are, how you understand how your actions hurt him and hurt your relationship. Continue to be open and honest and try asking about his feelings.

In IC, my counselor told me (after I had said I didn't know if I wanted to stay or leave) that I shouldn't decide if I wasn't 100% sure. That I would know when I know. Until then, don't do anything. So the fact that your BS is still with you, to me, means that some part of him still sees the qualities in you that made him fall in love in the first place.. and that's what he's staying for. Show him that you can be that person again.


Me - 26, BS
Him - 37, WS
1 PA for 3 months, multiple EAs
Dday - Nov 8th 2013
Married 06/2012
2 dd's - 2.5 and 8 mos
Attempting R

Posts: 39 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Canada
appletoo
♀ 42948
Member # 42948
Default  Posted: 8:23 AM, April 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all for your reminders of patience. I need that.

I wish you all the best in your own healing.


Posts: 16 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: United States
yearsofpain25
♂ 42012
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 2:56 PM, April 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm very happy to see you posting appletoo. Keep posting even if it's just to vent your frustrations.

You've had an arduous journey to date and being stuck in limbo is painful because you can't more forward. Unfortunately you can't force him to move forward. I agree with the others in that you have to continue to show him remorse and continue to try and show him the best you that you can be.

I'm pulling for you appletoo.


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2446 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
william
41986
Member # 41986
Default  Posted: 4:32 AM, April 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

appletoo

im a BS.

i do have a few questions ...
-i read a EA and a EA/PA on your profile. when did the affairs start and end?
-when was it discovered and how?
-how long did the trickle truth continue for after it ended? was there "gaslighting" involved?
-did you confess to continued contact with OM or did BS discover it on his own?

an affair(s) make a BS doubt everything. in effect they had a view of life together, get presented with a second world view, and then have a great difficulty combining the two world views to arrive at "the truth".

trickle truth destroys a BS. it delays the healing. each time my wife said "thats the full truth" and each time i found out it wasnt - it ripped apart the bonds of trust and love MORE than the actual affairs did.

finding out that contact was still ongoing is also pretty traumatic after agreement was reached for NC. it makes the BS feel that the WS cant be trusted.

no matter how long ago an affair was ... to a BS it is only as long ago as "they found out". the less time they have known the less time they have had to heal.

dont be nervous or scared. ANYTHING that ANYONE posts on this site is meant gently. no one is interested in flaying you alive. we ALL want what is best for each other and we are all human.

you are right - you caused the affair all alone but you cant reconcile or build a new relationship/marriage all alone. it takes both of you to heal.

it sounds like your BS has put his head into the ground, wants it all to go away, and just cant deal with it anymore. i do that sometimes too. its too much at times. the pain is intense. each discussion is like pulling bandages off. confronting it is traumatic. ignoring it is the easiest thing to do.

but ignoring it isnt healthy. it festers. it becomes infected. it needs to be healed.

sooner or later he has to work on resolving issues with you - whether with R or D or whatever. it cant just be ignored forever.

thats why i asked the questions i did. it kind of provides a timeframe

[This message edited by william at 5:01 AM, April 12th (Saturday)]


me - bh
her - lara01

from 09/11 - 05/13
2 ONS, 10 sexting partners, 1 LT EA/PA

??/06/13 DD/1 - admits to LT EA, begin false R.
01/13/14 DD/2 - LTA was PA.
01/18/14 DD/3 - sexting 5 guys.
01/19/14 DD/4 - 2 ONS with different guys


Posts: 589 | Registered: Jan 2014
wheredoigo
♀ 42327
Member # 42327
Default  Posted: 11:50 AM, April 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((appletoo))

Read your profile. You must be dealing with so much.

I relate to you in several ways. I too moved 1000 miles for my BH (before my A). I have given up my own business, Facebook (which was hard since that was the main way I kept in touch with all of my family) and have spent time only with him (unless I pass it by him). It's hard and can feel very lonely sometimes. I also was in limbo for the past year since my DDay. (I'll talk a bit more of that in a sec.)

I understand that he has every right to be mad for years to come, but what I am having trouble with is that he will not talk to me about it, for the past two years he has just ignored it, minus yelling at me and calling me names every couple of months and of course the week long silent treatment.

What are things that trigger his anger, name calling or silent treatments?

I've found that I have became somewhat of a detective for discerning what triggers my BS. It's part of the process. It allows me to see what's coming and help him when he goes through it so that that I can prepare myself to respond without getting caught up in his anger. It helps him see quicker that I'm there to help and listen.

Here's something that helped: Try to think of all of these events where he seems sad or angry. At almost two years, my guess is when he's angry it is really sadness in disguise. USE THESE MOMENTS AS CLUES. Write them down. This will help you see what is upsetting him, even when he refuses to talk about it. Use these moments to try and not be defensive and say something like "I know you are hurt still, I will never understand what you feel, but I can tell you that I am here and want to make things better. I'm not asking that you "get over it", but can we talk about what we can do to confirm my honesty?

You also mentioned

He told me he doesn't care and won't ask anymore questions because he doesn't think I am being honest.

Gently stating this, sometimes limbo can mean that everything is not truly out there. You may think it is, but it's not. That was me for a year. Until I found SI in March and was able to take a look back at myself and realize that my BH needed the entire truth to heal (as well as myself to heal) I had to let go of the outcome of our marriage. That was when I provided him a complete timeline and a polygraph to confirm everything I said was the truth. He needed some ground to stand on, after all, he married me because he loved me and thought I would always be faithful, I destroyed that between us, then covered it up and then lied about it. There was no other way to provide him any peace unless I gave him the poly. It wasn't until then that he even considered R'ing with me. We take baby steps everyday.

Other times, limbo can mean that your BS has nothing to still grasp because of a timeline of the events of your EA/PA does not make sense and the still feel like there is more out there. This prevents them from moving forward and they too are stuck in limbo. I'd still consider offering to take a polygraph for him to show you are committed to him knowing the truth is out there and you want him to have full confirmation before he deciders to R or part from you.

I'm glad you decided to ask for the BS view here. I truly think that they can give you more insight from your BS's perspective.

Even though you may feel like you can't do anything more to help, I have to disagree. You came to SI (a safe place) when you were frustrated and asked questions and searched for answers. Keep it up. Keep posting.

(edited for typos )

[This message edited by wheredoigo at 11:57 AM, April 12th (Saturday)]


1st marriage BS to xSAWH (34)
WW-2nd marriage (me) 33 to BS(Jt8d) 36
It's important to heal yourself in a healthy way from all hurt or it will hurt you and the ones you love more than the original hurt before.

Posts: 234 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Midwest
appletoo
♀ 42948
Member # 42948
Default  Posted: 2:32 PM, April 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

William: Answers to your questions:
When did the affairs start and end? EA started in May ended in July. I am not sure when the PA occurred because I just truly don't remember I think they happened within the same month though. The last time I slept with him occurred on the same day as the last time I was raped (it's all very intertwined for me)
When was it discovered and how? He checked a text message and found out. I told him about the affair and the rape at the same time.
How long did the trickle truth continue for after it ended? He didn't start asking questions until two months after, I wasn't trying to keep anything from him, but due to the trauma I was dealing with my memories came and went, causing him to doubt me.
-did you confess to continued contact with OM or did BS discover it on his own? I told him about it, he came to make sure I told the OM and I never talked to him again.

I also want to mentioned that I didn't reveal anything new one year ago, the whole truth was out within the first three months after DDAY. Its just that he asked for the story again last year and hasn't wanted to hear it since.

To those who have taken a poly, I am apprehensive because I studied about their ineffectiveness in school, I am wondering if you found them to be accurate, I don't want it to put more doubts into his head if it gives false negatives/positives. I am also concerned because I have chosen to remove a lot of things from my memory due to the overlap of the rape and the affair.

He wants me to remember the exact order things have happened in and if they aren't verbatim, he thinks its a lie. Another thing that I am trying to deal with here is that while all of this was happening to me, he was checked out, pissed off with life, not there for me, watching porn, smoking pot, drinking a lot, and refusing to hug me, didn't at all acknowledge my increased crying, depression, I felt like I couldn't open up to him about anything and I feel like if he was there for me I would have been able to tell him about the rape and things could have been derailed, I know this isn't his fault, but at the same time I feel horribly betrayed as well, but because I did this, I don't have a right to feel that way. I haven't had a chance to heal from what I have been through because I have been so focused on him.

I feel lost, broken, and unable to do anything else. Everytime we relive this, I relive the rape. I don't know how to do it anymore.

[This message edited by appletoo at 2:54 PM, April 21st (Monday)]


Posts: 16 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: United States
ReunitePangea
♂ 37529
Member # 37529
Default  Posted: 3:06 PM, April 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First off, I am very sorry you have to deal with such a tramatic experience. I wish you strength to get through it all.

The below are just a couple of observations I had:

it's all very intertwined for me

It's likely very intertwined for him as well. That likely is going to make it longer for him to process it all.

The last time I slept with him occurred on the same day as the last time I was raped

I feel like if he was there for me I would have been able to tell him about the rape and things could have been derailed

The above 2 statements seam confusing to me. So you were cheating first? If so then how could he have derailed that by being there for you? Your cheating should not be his fault. If he has issues to work on they are his to own, but your cheating shouldn't be one of them.


BS - Me 38
WS - Wife 39
D-Day - Oct 12
Married 10 years
OM1 - 12-year LTA
OM2 - 9 month A turned into open relationship with couple for another 1 1/2 years

Posts: 489 | Registered: Nov 2012
appletoo
♀ 42948
Member # 42948
Default  Posted: 3:13 PM, April 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The above 2 statements seam confusing to me. So you were cheating first? If so then how could he have derailed that by being there for you? Your cheating should not be his fault. If he has issues to work on they are his to own, but your cheating shouldn't be one of them.

I am going to put it out so it might be a little easier for someone to grasp, although I know it is hard for people to understand someone returning to their abuser, but when you feel worthless, both with the abuser and at home, it happens. Rapist made continual promises he would not touch me, told me I was a bad person if I didn't give him a second (3rd, 4th, chance) and unfortunately I tried to give the benefit of the doubt, (please don't berate my rape experience, I do it enough on my own, I just think it is good to have a little understanding)

I should also mention that the rapist had a girlfriend and they were waiting til they were married to have sex (this is why I thought he was a good guy and it must have been me).

Rape happened the first time around October 2011, again Jan 12, Mar 12, Apr 12, and July 12. EA started around May 12, PA (2) occurred sometime around July 12, but the last day of the rape and the last day of the PA were the exact same day, I drove over to the OM's house after being raped telling myself its what I deserved because I was just pretty much a prostitute anyways. Also, at this point, the rapist had proven to me that the word No didn't mean anything. (OM was also someone who would block doors if you tried to leave, but because I never said no, it was not rape).

So there was plenty of time for my husband to be there for me before I started the EA. But he would tell me to get off him if I tried to hug him, and was completely withdrawn, I didn't feel like I could tell him anything, I thought he would blame me, and I also really didn't realize how badly the Rapist had me brain washed to think it was all my fault.

OM continued to inform me that he would kill himself if I stopped talking to him, I felt that he was my responsibility, so although I didn't have feelings for him, I didn't want to be the cause of his death. So, instead, I continued to put my marriage at risk.

Welcome to my nightmare!

Regarding polygraphs, what has been your experience with them. I studied them in college and learned their effectiveness rate is not that good. I am concerned that it will rate false positives/negatives as I have learned it does and cause more issues. For those who have utilized them, have you found them to be accurate?

[This message edited by appletoo at 3:45 PM, April 21st (Monday)]


Posts: 16 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: United States
Topic Posts: 24
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