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Stuck in the mud

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Bridie38 posted 4/10/2014 16:22 PM

Hi all,
D day was early Jan 2014 and we are still sharing same home, he seems to think all is getting better as I haven't asked him to leave. I am so confused and don't know whether to carry on in the hope that I will be able to trust again at some point or to call it a day and try and move on. I think about OW constantly and have totally lost any trust I had with H. Am trying to work extra hours so I can fund myself if we separate, am waiting for appointment to see someone about finances and what my entitlements are. He has offered to pay me money anyway - well at first he did, but now he never mentions the A, if I do he tends to go quiet and hope it will all go away. Am I wrong to want to talk about what's happened with anyone who will listen? should i keep trying to get H to talk about it. It seems that 'raking it all up' is wrong somehow and yet I have to keep doing it. Ow never thought they had done too much wrong as didn't go all the way - maybe to her it's not a big deal but to me it is still a betrayal. How can he be deceiving me for the last 5 months, sharing intimacies, thoughts, dreams, fears etc. with her, going that extra mile for her kids and then just switch off and declare his loyalty to me and our sons? Probably only because I found out and he had to confess. That makes me feel sort of 2nd best. I know him inside out and know he thought a lot of OW, told her he would take his feelings for her to the grave and now here he is not even mentioning her or what's happened. I have written a 77 page letter with thoughts and fears right from my heart but am scared to give it to him. What is wrong with me, why am I scared suddenly when I haven't done anything? sorry, rant over - thanks for reading, and advice/thoughts welcome.

Skan posted 4/10/2014 17:49 PM

I think that you're frightened because you're in limbo. Neither this nor that. Just sort of floating along down the river and letting it carry you along.

Trouble is, there are large falls ahead and if you don't make some sort of decision, some determination of what to do, then you're going right over them.

He's being a bunny on the hill, freezing and hoping that trouble will magically go away and hid itself under the rug. Sounds like you're doing the same thing. Trouble is that when you sweep shit under a carpet, it still stinks. It doesn't go away, it just causes lumps in the carpet that squish and stink every time you walk across it, no matter how much you ignore those lumps.

IMO, you two are going to have to hash this out one way or the other. Do you have access to an IC? To a MC? Because your life is passing by. Limbo is not a healthy place to live nor is it a healthy place to raise your children. (((hugs)))

RomanticInnocenc posted 4/10/2014 18:03 PM

Hi Bridie, my Dday was also in Jan, my WH and I for about 3 weeks did nothing BUT talk about the affair and after that slowly some of life was allowed to creep back in. I'm talking about eating dinner and watching tv for half an hour. It helped that he was on parental leave because we had just had a son, but it has been the focus of our conversations for 85% of the time since Dday.

Are you taking your power back? That was one thing I felt I needed. OW knew where I lived, had been in my car, met my dogs and I felt like they both took all this power from me. So I demanded to know where she lived, what car she drove, where she worked etc, so that I felt I had some of the power back.

My IC said to me, have you been indignant? I had to ask her what she really meant by that, she said, it is looking them in the eyes, coming from a place of strength and saying, you will never treat me this way again, and if you do, these are the consequences, and I will follow through. You sound as though you are letting your WW dictate how this is going to be played out. It is not his decision now, he chucked away the ability to have a choice in how your relationship went when he left it to have an affair. Now he has two choices, your way or the high way. If he won't choose your way then he is not remorseful at all or at least unwilling to take full responsibility for the affair and work his arse off to fix the mess he created!

Sending you strength, god knows all BS need a healthy dose of it every day! You are POWERFUL!! Demand what you need!

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