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Looking for a glimmer of hope! WS feel free to respond!

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RomanticInnocenc posted 4/10/2014 17:28 PM

So WH and I are 3 months out from DDay. On the day I found out he lied and omitted to keep me from the worst of it, thinking we were already over. When he realised I wasn't necessarily done, about 6 hours after discovery, he went to tell her it was over (I was in utter shock and allowed this although in hindsight I would never have allowed it to go down that way). 2 days later, after putting our 10 day old baby to bed, he came out to me shaking like mad, took my hand and laid out what he says was the complete truth. He ended up on his knees crying and shouting 'I'm free'. I had never in our 10 years together seen him like this. He told me things that day that I probably would never have found out about, from years before, including the fact that he had never given up smoking.
Since then it seems like things have just connected in his head for him, all of a sudden the actions match the words coming out of his mouth. Nothing is too hard or too much to give up. He is self reflective, insightful even at times, deep with some of his thoughts. This is a man who has always lived in the top layer of his brain, never looking in wards and always pushing the pain down or to the back. Our mc's, yes we have two, a married couple who we see one each individually and both together for mc, both believe they sense no bullsh*t from him.
I guess I am looking for people with similar experiences, there is a lot of pain on this site and a lot of anger and disbelief, I am one of them, hence my reaching out. We have the potential to be amazing, I thought we already were, I want desperately to believe someone could really draw the line in the sand and say "I DONE WANT TO LIVE THAT WAY ANY MORE!" and work hard to change their life, truly understand that they had taken their BS for granted and realised the precious gift they had! Could that kind of turn around happen in a couple of days? WH has never blamed me for the affair, has answered every question over and over, has written a time line, and even in the face of my non belief, still looks me in the eyes and says the things I want so desperately to be true but can't believe!

Skan posted 4/10/2014 17:55 PM

It all sounds wonderful and I'm praying for you. Yes, it's possible. My FWH is making such basic, fundamental changes to his psyche that I have a hard time reconciling him then and now. However, please, keep on with watching actions and verifying. You need to, for your own healing. Just because he may have had a huge epiphany doesn't mean that you have to climb on the Hallelujah bandwagon one moment before you're ready.

Make him do the work. That's part of his healing. Don't hurry yourself along because you feel you now are "obligated" to. Your goal is your own healing and possibly, if its right for you, the restoration of your marriage. Let him do his work and you do yours. And I'll be hoping that he REALLY TRULY has gotten it. (((hugs)))

Darkness Falls posted 4/10/2014 18:02 PM

WS here. Yes, I believe it's possible. I'm not perfect (far, far from it) but I have changed so much for the better in the past 4 years (since my affair was discovered) that my XH and others have noticed. I very much hope and pray that it's true for you and your husband.

RomanticInnocenc posted 4/10/2014 18:24 PM

Thank you both!

Skan, I completely agree with not jumping on the hallelujah band wagon just yet. I will probably watch and verify for the rest of my life whatever happens. I think I just needed to see there actually some positive stories out there so that I can take that first baby step towards WH and stop working so hard to distrust everything he says, it's tiring and hard work, especially if there is a possibility that I can set a little of the load down and keep working on shedding the rest for however long it takes for us to either R or figure out it's all a lie anyway and D.

HeartBroken, thank you for jumping in from the WS side, you have no reason to lie to me and it is nice to hear that it is possible from your perspective. It makes it harder to believe WS because he has obvious things to lose and knowing and trusting the true motivation behind his words is impossible for now!

Darkness Falls posted 4/10/2014 18:54 PM

It makes it harder to believe WS because he has obvious things to lose and knowing and trusting the true motivation behind his words is impossible for now!

I completely understand this. One of the (if not THE one) reasons my XH believes in me is because I walked the walk even though he divorced me. I'm not telling you to divorce! but I'm just saying that in my situation I know my XH would have had a much different time believing in my changes had we stayed together.

Time and consistency from a WS are the keys, I believe. The longer he proves himself, and the more consistent his actions toward that end, the better. There is no magic fix.

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