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User Topic: Someone please explain ....
♀ 43042
Member # 43042
Default  Posted: 6:27 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, I know he's been seeing someone for almost one year now. This is what just happened. He's on his way home from work. He finally calls me....later than usual, because he talks to her at length (he has a 1 hour 45 minute drive....he asked for the job, they didn't offer it to him, so don't feel sorry). Earlier today, I sent him an email saying "Hi, just wanted to tell you that I love you and hope things work out with us". He has admitted nothing thus far. Anyway, he replies "with all my heart". That is a phrase he would randomly text to me while we were dating and early in our marriage. (second marriage for both, actually I am his third wife. Okay, back on point, he calls on his way home and I say "what happened to you, you called me and then blew me off in two minutes and said you would call me back"? He said "oh sorry, I thought you said you had stuff to do". I never said this. He called and two minutes later he seemed startled and said "I gotta gas up I'll call back". An hour later he calls. So, he gets pissed that I'm questioning him and says "By the way, what's up with your email today, why did you say that? It's not like we're dating or something" I said "It's no secret that we have problems and I just said I hope things work out with us". He freaks out. Starts yelling "how are we ever gonna move forward if you keep being negative? I said "whats negative, I thought that was nice and you replied "with all my heart". He says "yeah, to shut you up and get you to stop thinking whatever it is your thinking! I don't want to constantly be reminded of our problems because they are all in your head. I keep telling you, just stop and all this goes away. (not sure what that means but he says it alot). okay, this is the same guy when I cut to the chase and ask him if he still wants this marriage he always says yes. I have also said to him that if he's not attracted to me anymore he might want to rethink that decision because it's a biggie. He always says "don't tell me how I feel". I think I am too close to the forest to see the trees. I need fresh eyes. Please help me understand wtf is up with him. fyi, this is a typical conversation between us. thanks xo

Posts: 21 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: New York
♀ 31314
Member # 31314
Default  Posted: 6:38 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just because I want to make sure I understand.

Your SO is having an A? And you know? Does he know that you know?

It sounds to me like he was purposely picking a fight with you. If he knows you know than I would think you would have to draw some lines in the sand (very hard I know that) and tell him his AP goes or you you do.

If he doesnt know you know if you have enough evidence you should confront him and lay out your deal breakers and make sure that he understands the consequences.

It sucks that you have to be here.

I wish I could just stop I know another moment will break my heart too many tears too many time too many years I've cried over you

Posts: 633 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: IL
♀ 18522
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 6:42 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First off, I'm sorry that you've found yourself needing to join this website.

I read your other posts, and I'm confused as to why you are not confronting him about his affair. Are you willing to accept a third person into your marriage? Is this really the life you want?

He's going to continue talking to her and sleeping with her until you do something about it. He has his cake and is eating it too.

I don't want to constantly be reminded of our problems because they are all in your head. I keep telling you, just stop and all this goes away.

I would guess that he is suspicious that you know about his affair and is making these sorts of statements in hopes that you will just shut up and accept his choice to have a mistress.

Time to put on the bitch boots and lay down some ultimatums, naf.

In 2010 I divorced the NPD assclown who cheated on me with my best friend.

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson

Posts: 8023 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
♀ 30024
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 7:18 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Re posting what I posted on your other thread.
Start the 180. Use this link to read about it.
Confront him and tell him you know all about her and that you will not tolerate three in a marriage. Go see a lawyer. That maybe the wake up call he needs. Maybe not.
I guess what I really want to know here is what is his end game?

I would imagine he is a cake eater. Wants his marriage and his side piece, too.
Will this affair piss itself out?
Maybe, maybe not. We have some members here who's spouse had 25 year affairs, same AP.
Will he leave me for her?
IDK. But, why leave it up to him? This is your life and you are letting him make all these decisions for you. You do have choices.
Have you read the 180 like I suggested? What do you think of doing the 180? What both you and your WH seem to want to do is some extreme conflict avoidance going on here. Which usually leads to rugsweeping. You are going to have to take a stand one way or the other, needadvicefast.

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 7:19 PM, April 10th (Thursday)]

BW (me) & FWH both over half a century; married several decades; children
d-day 3/10; LTA (7 years?)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak." ~ Homer Simpson

Posts: 13445 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
♀ 32211
Member # 32211
Default  Posted: 7:47 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi there,

I am sorry this is happening to you. I will say that this conversation and any similar to this are his way of deflecting. You said "hope things work out with us". He can't say "Me too..." or "I am trying to figure things out". Because phrases like that would be admitting he is having an A. I read your previous posts that indicate he has not admitted to anything and keeps denying.

What he does instead is get mad at you to throw the heat off of what he is doing. Now you will cower and he has lived to lie/(technically not lie because you didn't ask him any questions, because he was mad and you didn't want to anger him further, possibly, so you turtled and relented just like how he wanted).

He will keep this A going for as long as you let him, and IF you don't confront him, start the 180 even throw his A$$ out then I am afraid this really has no chance of ending the way you want it too. He will eventually leave you because you will have completely become a "whiny, low self-esteemed, resembling nothing of your former self person". That is not attractive to anyone.

So please, please, please, do not let him keep getting away with this. Confront him, call this woman, call her husband if she has one, and get this thing in the open so that your marriage can either start healing, or you can finally have freedom from this prison he is slowly but surely putting you in.

BS: 40
WS: 42
Two boys 13/11
Married 15 years
Dday: too Many to remember. 3 significant OW and many "less"'significant OW. Believe WS has bad boundaries and craves the attention.
In R.

Posts: 1019 | Registered: May 2011
Topic Posts: 5

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