"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

whiteflower99 posted 4/10/2014 19:24 PM

I KNOW NC is best.
But he had been flooding my cell w calls and texts. And for the past two days ... Nothing.

Is it another sign of codependency on my part?
I actually was kind of enjoying the thought of him trying to reach out to me, it was a sick power game.
Now what?

phmh posted 4/10/2014 19:47 PM

Once you NC some more, you will detox from him.

I was there a couple of years ago.

In a way, it gave me perverse pleasure that he was begging me to come back to him. But it really set back my healing, which only truly began when I went NC.

Tons of suggestions to keep you busy -- but you have to do what works for you.

One thing that helps is to challenge yourself using positive reinforcement.

Set a goal (e.g. no contacting him for a day) and then draw a star on a calendar when you succeed.

Give yourself rewards for reachable goals.

For example, if it were me, I might buy my favorite ice cream after 1 day of NC, enough fancy yarn to knit a fabulous scarf after 5 days of NC, and a massage after 10 days of NC.

Make it into a game and reward yourself for success. Pretty soon, the NC works its magic and you start to wonder why you'd ever want to talk to him :)

devistatedmom posted 4/10/2014 19:47 PM

Go for a walk, without your phone.

Call a friend.

Do a puzzle.

Get a treadmill.

Cook some stuff ahead.

Write here instead of to him. Rant. We will listen.

Go down to fun and games and join in on some fun.

Get a dog.

Read a book.

Write a book.

Go to meetup.com and find some hobbies to go do.

Watch all the old episodes of Walking Dead.

In other words...anything that will take your mind off him. You can do it.

Amazonia posted 4/10/2014 19:52 PM

Change his contact name in your phone to something like "Do not answer" or "Ignore". You'd be surprised how much that reminder can help.

tennis26 posted 4/10/2014 20:59 PM

I challenge myself to get his contact as far down in my log as possible. Meaning that if he texts or calls I have to reach out to friends and family with new threads. It actually helps direct my attention to the people that care about me.

And...I have kept in better touch with people. I actually know what's going on in their lives and make plans to see them more. Life is going on all around us. Redirect focus to the world outside your head.

whiteflower99 posted 4/10/2014 21:13 PM

Wow, you all, thanks.
I must confess I did let the kids call him from my phone (I don't have a landline) but didn't talk to him.
I honestly thought this was going to be the easy part.
Guess, I'm my own worst enemy.
Ya'll gave me a lot of good ideas.
He is in the midst of a meltdown because I'm not doing what he wants, when he wants it, how he wants it etc.
You know, he actually believed that when he moved out of state to take on a new position my kids and I would follow? Like we are supposed to uproot our lives to conform to his new version of reality And MOVE to FOLLOW HIM?????
Oh we'd still be divorced, just divorced in another state away from any and all support for ME from my friends and family here.
Because that's what HE needs in order to be physically close to the kiddos.

That would be the same kids he neglected in favor of latest OW's brats several times.
Ummmm no. Nope, negative, not in this lifetime.
He REALLY didn't like hearing that.
The ONLY reason I hadn't filed paperwork is on the advice of my L I was waiting for his income to double. Doesn't look like that's going to happen and now we have to maintain two separate households with less money.
Fortunately I am related to my current landlord so he is cutting kids and me some SERIOUS slack in the housing department.
I am giving him 12 weeks to get it together and I'm filing even with the reduction in income. The good news for me is that since he left and is currently employed something like 12 sates away, and the kids' lives are here I don't think I need to worry about custody battles.

cayc posted 4/10/2014 21:30 PM

One thing that helped me with NC was to know that the ONLY thing I could do to hurt xWH was to ignore him. He wanted so badly for me to absolve him. And I refused to do so.

SBB posted 4/10/2014 22:21 PM

One thing that helped me with NC was to know that the ONLY thing I could do to hurt xWH was to ignore him. He wanted so badly for me to absolve him. And I refused to do so.

This. I also imagined Golum gorging himself on ego kibbles whenever I reacted or responded.

Starve that fucker - starve him good. Block his number if you have to after requesting all comms via email going forward.

It's easier to keep a record of the crazy that way.

StillLivin posted 4/10/2014 22:48 PM

I post here everything I WANT to say to him and hit submit. To him, he usually gets crickets unless it is something I absolutely have to respond to. Lately I have had to deal with him. I had been NC for so long that the first few emails he sent with his pompous lectures on broken promises and how poor widdle him is the victim almost had me breaking and sending a blast back at him.
Usually, after he blames and falsely accuses, I send back the same question I previously sent that in his mad rant to me he neglected to answer.
If you HAVE to deal with him, and at times we do, keep it facts. Everything else ignore.
He will, of course, tell you how rude you are for not responding and further dwell in his martyr role, ignore him.