SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So this may not happen, but I was wondering what people thought of this:

As a background, I was the dutiful BS and went along with her decisions on where to live, where to send the kids, and she had veto power over where I worked, for the entire 18yM. I've had job opportunities that I have skipped on because she was uncomfortable with me spending too much time away from home. I figured a way I could work from home almost all the time because she insisted. And well, now the ungrateful sod is a STBXWW.

So now a big company is trying to recruit me for a position. Hard. I chatted up HR for about an hour and she's is beyond excited about me. I explained my situation regarding D (sans the infidelity) and they are going to call me in about a month (hopefully we will have settled most issues by then).

I've never been at a company in a list of best places to work before. The indecision is agony.

I agonize because I am one of the founders of my current place, and we may be on the verge of greatness at my much tinier place of work (though it may end up like so many small things that never become big). Leaving would hurt the place I made, though I'd do my best to leave it in good hands.

A change will likely mean harder work but more focused (i.e. a giant company worth of people helping me concentrate on my job and lots of perks, versus being the cofounder and being expected to do everything), and actually around people. Plus, the health benefits for DS10's special needs will likely be much, much better than at my current place.

There's no longer issue of my W leaving me over working too hard because, well, she's a STBXWW now. So now I get to make my own career choices. But personal choices as well.

I want to continue being a 50/50 dad. This place is 2h away. I want to try moving 30m away so this place is only 1.5h away. However, it may mean me wanting to change the custody agreement so I can move one city over, triggering abandonment issues on STBX and God knows what undesirable behavior. I should be able to hire a babysitter to drive them to school then pick them up, etc.

They won't allow work from home like I have now, which on the other hand is desirable in my situation as I feel very isolated right now, which isn't good for my psyche. Being around people again in an awesome environment.. I could live with the massive overall quality of life improvement.

I want the D to be final, or at least sent to the judge, before I notify everyone and make the move - I don't want to rock the boat with all the balls currently in the air.

My kids are important to me, and I always want to have a relationship with them, even if it's daddy coming home at night and hanging out with them on his days and the every other weekend (I can try to time my days off to days they're with me, etc). Having daddy's incredible career example in the face of difficulty would be a great thing to provide as they grow up. Show them what the GotPlayeds can do in the face of adversity.

BTW - Take your daughter to work day would be awesome for DD8, and would give her something to inspire her I think, and maybe go into daddy's career field so she doesn't have to follow WW's example. I can't afford to take her to theme parks until we separate assets and I know where I stand financially (dang support is expensive when WW was a SAHM so she could live it up with her lover!), but I think DD would dig my new office campus.

I will definitely discuss it with my L, but I was wondering what advice you all have here.

If you wouldn't wind up with a three hour daily commute, I'd be much more excited about this plan.

Is your STBXWW going to have to find a job or are you paying her enough support for her to continue to stay home? Might she be willing to move to the town where your job would be in exchange for more support?

What happens if one of your kids gets sick at school on your 50/50 time and you're two hours away at your job that you might not be able to leave? And even if you can, it will take you two hours to pick your kid up at school. With a three hour commute, it sounds like your kids would spend way more after-school time with a babysitter (before school, presumably, as well as after) than with you.

Will you actually be able to leave at 5 every day to get home? And then, on days you have the kids, you'd get home at 6:30 at the earliest -- what are plans for dinner, homework, etc? It will be really challenging to get home in time to see them play after-school sports, choir concerts, etc.

Not to pile on, but also think of quality of life

Google "commuting unhappiness" or something similar and read a bit. Here's one of the first ones that popped up:

http://www.economist.com/blogs/gulliver/2011/06/perils-commuting

I wish I could be more excited for you because it does sound like a good opportunity! It's just that places like the one you describe (I also work for one of the Best Places to Work For and my two other adult jobs were also on the list at the time I worked there) often require more than 40 hours/week at the job, so adding at least 15 hours/week of commuting time is a huge consideration.

I wish I didn't sound so much like a wet blanket :(

I think you have to make a list, side by side. Positives for the change on one side, negatives on the other. See if one side outweighs the other. The format just helps you be able to "see" it all at once.

Honestly, you sound excited about the possible job. Also, to me, the fact that your health care would be better and you have a SN kid is the world in my book. The fact that you also see that being in a more social environment at the new job and it would be good for you is a plus.

The big downside as you said would be the possible changes to you being able to do 50/50. But, even if you decide that 50/50 wouldn't be totally possible anymore, that doesn't mean your relationship with your kids would suffer. If you love the new job, you would be happier. Happier you, means when you are with your kids, you will make them happier. It's about quality, if you know what I mean.

You need to make the decision that is best for YOU, your kids, and your future. Maybe the short time pain of how it would affect your kids if you can't do the 50/50 would be offset with the pluses a few years down the road when the perks of the new job have set in.

Good luck, with the decision, and with actually getting the job offer!!

I'm not a fan of pro/con lists because with my analytical mind I can find a negative for every positive

Everyone else is going to give you all the logistical advice (kids first etc.) and how to decide what you want advice, but I want to address your concern that you'll leave your current company in a lurch if you leave.

My first boss/mentor (who is still a mentor today) had an interesting approach when people quit (it was a non-profit in a niche for-profit industry). He'd allow himself a few minutes of "oh damn" if it was someone we liked/needed and then immediately would say "what a marvelous opportunity to find someone else who might be a better fit!". And invariably we would find someone amazing who by being different, breathed new life into a section or project.

My take away from that experience - besides adopting the same positive attitude to change at work - was to realize *everyone* is replaceable. I don't mean that meanly (as in you/me/the person leaving isn't valuable and great), or in that big companies always screw people kind of way. I mean that someone valuable leaving isn't an automatic death knell so the corollary is that *I* can feel comfortable making choices that work for me. I don't have to feel guilty about leaving.

And as long as you leave with plenty of notice, projects wrapped up, help with a transition plan and all of that honorable stuff, you'll get what you need (the new challenge) without screwing over the place you're leaving.

If indeed leaving is what you decide to do

[This message edited by cayc at 8:55 PM, April 10th, 2014 (Thursday)]

I don't want to be a wet blanket either. And whatever salary/insurance/perks they offer you may make it worth it to you.

But, I only live 16 miles from where I work. It took me an hour and 20 minutes to get to work this morning. There was a bad wreck somewhere ahead of where I was going, which made things worse, but rush hour traffic really adds to the length of a commute.

Just make sure you factor that in. Your "2 hours away" might be much longer during rush hour.

The commute is the big issue here. I live 15 miles from my office - it's 40-45 min in the morning and 45-75 min in the evening - and it sucks. Is the commute workable to you?

Wow what a great opportunity for you.

But... not trying to rain on your parade, the commute is enormous. I don't think you can make up for this time you would be spending travelling to and from and not to mention the expense of fuel and wear and tear on your vehicle. Does the 2 hours include the traffic conditions or just simply distance?

I think you really have to way up if the opportunity is worth the extras such as less time with your children as well. If you are a 50/50 parent what happens to your kids while you are at work say you finish work at 5pm it would be at least 7pm before you would be home from work.

How would you get your children to school or extra curricular activities as well? What about their school friends living so far away might impede on their relationships. My ex lives 20 minutes away (travel time) from our children my oldest who is now 15 refuses to go as it's too far away from his friends and where his life is. Might not be important now when your DD is only 8 but give it 5 years and it will be.

Would the employer consider you working extra hours in your off week with the children vs working less hours the week with the children?

Would it be better for you to live closer to job opportunity and only seeing your kids EOW or perhaps 4 days/14 days or something similar?

A lot to think about for you. Best of luck with your decision.

Thanks everyone, this is a lot of good things to think about.

Commutes in this area are long, no matter what. Tons of people here commute for at least 1h (few can afford to live where the jobs are in a place suitable for children and still have money at the end of the paycheck). Having said that, the commute will be done in one of those Wifi-enabled shuttles provided by the company (if I move, which would be close to where the shuttle leaves from). So I'll be able to start work from there - and I won't be the one driving. I can make sure it counts, etc.

And my current workplace is actually in the same city as the new place. I just go once a week because I telecommute. If I stay, as the company grows, this may likely change as well, except without all the perks (though I'd probably be able to design my own perks being one of the founders). Definitely no cash for special benefits for my son though.

More than the commute I'm worried about losing time with my children. I trust WW being an ok mom but my DD8 is already talking back - because she and MIL talk back to each other like that all the time, and now not having me there (and of course the pressure being what it is over there), there's nobody to stop them. I've been able to gently put a lid on her talking back, reminding her than in dad's house we simply don't treat each other like that (I'm very mellow). I'm worried than any less than 50/50 and my positive influence with my kid will wane. That makes me more nervous than the extracurriculars.

I guess I'm nervous about the future in general. My world was shaken. Time to do some shaking of my own, so at least I feel I control my future a little bit. Why shouldn't I pursue something positive for myself?

I wish I could ask someone I know and trust. But the only person who mattered when I needed to make these decisions stabbed me in the heart and cannot be trusted. And I don't want to feel manipulated by her anymore. Too much of that went on for these many years.

I feel this needs to be my decision alone.

I have a month to think about it. It's going to be a slow month.

I can speak a bit to a long commute, I did it for a year before I was married and until I separated from my wife. It was 1:15 on a good day, usually around 1:30, bad days with a bit of snow in winter 2:00, and on crappy winter days up to 4:30 hours (yes that happened a few times, and when my boss wouldn't let me work from home I just used sick time). It can be really bad if you let it. There will be times you get road rage, there will be times when it is great. I learned to cope by listening to NPR for a lot of it, or lots and lots of audio books. It is definitely doable but does add a bit of stress. I did it for around 3 years.

I didn't have to do it with the added 'burden' of a 50/50 parenting split though. (Not that kids are a burden mind you, but just planning out the logistics would be the burden).